if you're living with an addict or an alcoholic this is the video for you
because I'm gonna give you a framework to help you make decisions you know
those really difficult decisions that you always seem to be backed into the
corner having to make I know you know what I'm talking about you know those
ones that make you feel like there's no good answer
well stay tuned because what you're going to learn today is a method that's
going to help you make strategic decisions instead of those reactive and
emotional decisions for those of you who don't know me I'm amber Hollingsworth
founder of hope for families Recovery Center and you're watching put the
shovel down the YouTube channel designed specifically to teach you the science
and psychology of addiction so you can recover your liver bone and get your
life back on track the strategies that I'm about to teach you are the exact
strategies that we teach our clients and Families every single day in our office
once you get clarity on this topic decision making it won't be easier but
at least you'll have a formula or method from which to make those decisions I
think the best place to start is to take a look at these three concepts or terms
phrases whatever you want to call them they tend to get all mixed and jumbled
up in our minds and it's difficult to pull apart of the pieces those three
words are going to be consequences versus punishment
versus boundaries because sometimes I think people use the word consequences
when really it's punishment people use the word consequences when it's really
boundaries and if you can understand the difference in what's happening here
you're going to be able to make so many more logical decisions but if you can
understand the differences in these it's going to be way easier to make logical
decisions so recently one of our YouTube fans left a comment or I guess it's a
question in the comments section on a video previously and basically she asked
what do you do when the plan got all messed up and now you're grown child is
going to be coming back home from rehab and this was a parent who was clearly
very stressed about the situation and when I explored further what I found out
was I said well why did the plan change? what was the point before? and what I
learned about the situation was the person is in addiction treatment which
is this person's child adult child mind you had sort of broken a rule at
their treatment center and so they weren't on as advanced of a phase as
they should have been and so when their time was up they weren't going to be
able to go to this next level like step-down and they were gonna have to be
released from there so the so the parent was obviously very distressed you know I
don't want to put my kid out on the street but I don't want to let them come
back home because I know it's just gonna destroy my family just wreaks havoc I've
got another child in the house and it's just a nightmare so this is a really
good example about those decisions that we as family members tend to get backed
into the corner about all the time when you're dealing with an addict or an
alcoholic so when it comes to making this decision the most important concept
is why you're going to make the choice that you're going to make so let's say
that this parent decides that they do not want to let this child come home
from treatment let's think about why they're gonna make the decision not to
let this child come home if the parent makes the decision not to let the kid
come home from treatment because it's just going to destroy the house it's
going to wreak havoc it's going to cause everyone else a lot of anxiety and
turmoil and fighting then what you're doing is you're making that decision
based on boundaries now let's get this clear because most of time when people hear
boundaries they think boundaries are the rules we put on other people but
that is so wrong you really need to do that in Reverse boundaries are the rules
for yourself so if you make the decision not to let your child come back into
your home because it's going to destroy your family that's boundaries for you
and for your family so that's making a decision based on boundaries if you let
this child come back home in the house and then you do a home contract or
something and you say something like but if you relapse you're out of here then
when you ask that kid to leave now you're punishing them because they had a
relapse and the last way to look at this situation from the consequences
framework is is making the decision of I'm not going to bail you out of this
problem that you created when you broke the rule at the treatment center because
when the kid broke the rule a treatment center that
opted them out of their next phase and so if you run in and rescue this person
then you're not allowing the natural consequences so can you see the
difference in the thinking here it's the consequence of what the person chose to
do you're just not intervening on it or you're making a decision based on your
boundaries for this person making a decision about hey I'm just not bringing
that chaos back into the house it's not because I'm mad at you it's not because
I want to punish you it's just because we can't deal with it and it's not even
because I'm trying to control whether you use or don't use it's literally for
the family the problem in this situation is is if you let the person come back
into your house and you know good and well it's going to cause a bunch of
havoc then you're gonna immediately get yourself in a situation where you're
going to be having to punish that person or you're going to be having to do all
these contracts where you're gonna be having to do all these if-then
statements and you guys know if you've watched any of my videos that's a bad
idea and it's just gonna backfire on you okay
let's look at some things that might fall into the consequences category just
to give a little bit more clarity here things that would fall into the
consequences are loss of trust so if someone lies to you or doesn't follow
through what they say they're going to do it is a natural consequence that they
lose your trust and sometimes living with an addict or an alcoholic they'll
even turn this back on you and they'll say something like well you don't even
trust me and if they do or they'll say something like well you just never trust
me anyway you always think I'm lying if they do that then what I want you to
understand is most of the time people get defensive and they want to be like
well that's not true but it is true you don't trust them and that's a
consequence of the fact that they've lied to you or misled you or manipulated
you for this whole time so it's okay that you don't trust them you shouldn't
trust them because it's a consequence another consequence might be the loss of
money not you taking away their money not you refusing them something but more
that they lost their own money their own scholarship their own job so it's like a
financial consequence it's not something that you created or that you managed
or supervised this is something that they did out there in the world and the
consequences from the world came down and the universe will put the
consequence in the right place probably one of the biggest consequences of
addiction is loss of freedom and I don't just mean like going to jail loss of
freedom obviously that counts but what I really mean here is when you don't have
any money you have loss of freedom of choice about what you can do when you
don't have a car you have a loss of freedom about where you go and who you
go with when you've lost trust then you've lost your freedom to interact
with in a relationship without a whole lot of tension I think it's really
important to understand the difference in consequences versus punishment so
let's move on over to the punishment category now if you're living with an
addict or an alcoholic it is gonna be very tempting to put some punishments in
place because you're angry you're upset they're crossing your boundaries you've
done everything you wanna pull your hair out punishment examples of things that
would be punishment that sometimes people call consequences you know
parents always say well that's the consequences I'm taking your Xbox away
now that is not the consequences if your kid doesn't study and they make bad
grades the consequence is the bad grades the taking the Xbox away is the
punishment and I know we use those words interchangeably and for the most part it
doesn't really matter but when it comes to dealing with an addict or alcoholic it really does
matter because punishments definitely don't work consequences barely have any
effect at all but if there's a chance that something's going to have an effect
a consequence what's going to much more effectively than a punishment because
the punishment is some negative something that you're doling out that
you're making them do or making them not have or not do and all that happens when
you punish someone is they just get mad at you they don't think about what they
did wrong they think about what a big old jerk ball you are but I know what
you're thinking you might be thinking like well what if they're still using
and I decided I'm taking the car where I'm not paying their car insurance or
something like that wouldn't you call that a punishment but amber isn't that
what you should do well it depends it depends on why you're making that
decision if you're deciding that you are not paying the insurance
for a car for a vehicle for someone that you know is out there driving
intoxicated and have an insurance on them is going to put you and your family
at liability and risk and you're deciding not to do it for that reason
then you're deciding not to do it because of your boundaries not because
of a punishment you see the difference the intent here is really important for
two reasons one because understanding the intent here is what's going to keep
you sane and let you make choices wisely and secondly framing it up correctly is
going to help that person learn lessons if possible faster
other examples of punishment are cold shoulder you know like when you're
really mad and you're just pouting and you won't talk to that person or yelling
or nagging or threatening or taking away their xbox all of those things are
punishment let me give you another scenario to help you really sort this
out because this really is such an important topic let's say the person
that has the addiction to drugs or alcohol actually lives in your house if
you start telling them who they can and they can't hang around and be around
then you are trying to control their boundaries that's out of bounds for you
if you say who can and cannot come into your house that's you managing your own
boundaries you see the difference here you cannot tell someone else at least
someone that's like an adult or really someone that's like even a teenager
because you can say it they'll do it anyway you can't make them do things you
can't tell someone else what to do you can only draw boundaries for yourself
here's another one let's say you're dealing with a college student and
they're flunking their grades and they have flunked out of school but they want
another chance and they want to go back the next semester now if you tell them
no you screwed it up you can't go back to college then that's like punishment
because you're taking it away from them because they screwed up but if you say
to them you know what that last semester was pretty much a bad investment for
Dad and I so we're not gonna pay for another semester there's a difference
I know it sounds the same but there is a difference here because they can get the
money somehow else they can make the money they can apply for a student loan
they can go back to school but it's gonna be on their dime so you're not
telling them what they can and can't do you're saying what you will and won't do
now this one about the money and the paying for things is really a double-edged
sword because many times I have seen parents use the money especially when
they feel really out of control and they feel like they don't have any they don't
have any way of dealing with the situation they'll use money as a weapon
and so only you can be honest with yourself about your intent on this issue
are you doing it to punish them are you doing it to control them or are you
doing it because it's just a bad decision for you like choosing not to pay
for another semester of college when you've already paid for a semester or
two that have failed that's just a financial decision that's just a good
boundary for yourself can you see the difference here so the real key to this
whole formula is you want to avoid punishment whenever possible because
it's just ineffective and not only is it ineffective but it backfires and it
makes things worse you want to allow natural consequences whenever possible
and appropriate okay okay there is like a limit sometimes the amount of
consequences that you want to let happen but it's a pretty far out there limit if
you want to know more about that watch my video the title on the video is how
far should you let them fall because it will talk about where's the end of that
rope on the consequences but allowing those consequences is going to get their
attention so much faster than anything that you
can implement and lastly if you're going to set a rule set it for your own sanity
in the sanity of your family do not set it because you're trying to control them
or make sure they do or don't use drugs setting rules about how many meetings
that someone goes to is control setting boundaries about the chaos that you will
allow in your house or not in your house is boundary I know you're thinking amber
this is pretty simple but this is really muddy water here and if you can get some
good clarity on it you're going to be able to make better decisions for more
information about this issue of having boundaries with someone that has an
addiction problem so I'm going to put the next video you need to watch right
up here