Translator: Katya Huici Reviewer: Mirjana Čutura
Why do we sabotage love?
The saying goes, "Love is grand,"
so it seems strange that many of us set out to sabotage it.
As it stands, there is a distinct lack of knowledge to explain
why some people having successfully initiated a relationship,
embark upon what appears to be a path to destruction.
They meet that great person,
then they find faults, become untrusting,
and assume the relationship will end, without much evidence.
People seem to pull the plug on a relationship too quickly
as things become serious or difficult,
no matter how perfect the potential partner might be.
Is this you?
Or maybe someone you know?
Perhaps it's the person sitting right next to you.
Well, I suspect there are a lot of people out there
who are or have been a romantic self-saboteur.
And that is why I've decided to pursue a PhD on this very topic.
So yes, that is a bit of a journey.
To understand self-sabotage in romantic relationships,
I have conducted two studies.
In the first study, I interviewed psychologists from all over Australia
who specialize in romantic relationships.
I really wanted to understand what self-sabotage looks like in practice.
After months of interviews, I came to one conclusion:
people do tend to behave in similar ways or patterns
as they move from one relationship to the next.
In the second study,
I wanted to understand how people in relationships behaved and why.
So, to that end,
I surveyed over 600 people from all over the globe.
My participants varied in age, cultural background,
and sexual orientation,
but yet they answered in very similar ways.
So, from those interviews and surveys, I have compiled a list of behaviors
which are very destructive in a relationship.
Four of these behaviors stood out
as they have been previously identified
by a well-known psychologist and researcher, John Gottman.
These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
He calls this "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
How fitting.
So these might tell you how someone might sabotage a relationship.
As to the why, it seems that people sabotage relationships
for one main reason: to protect themselves.
That makes sense; that is a valid way to be.
So, there you have it - you now know what sabotage looks like in relationships,
how it might be done, and why.
But hold on, things are never that simple.
I suspect there is a lot more to why people sabotage love.
So, what I'd like to do today
is to walk you through some of the responses
from people in my study.
When asked to explain
why they can't maintain successful, long-term relationship,
this is what my participants have said.
Take this one: female participant, age 25.
"I am always afraid it's not going to work
or I am going to get hurt."
Another example: this male participant, age 41.
"I have a fear of getting hurt by being the one broken up with."
Now, we know that people who are motivated to self-protect
tend to have difficulties with self-esteem.
Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves and our own self-worth,
but this concept is highly validated by social interactions.
Let me show you another example:
this female participant, age 34.
"I avoid people who like me.
I think there is something wrong with them."
(Laughter)
People with self-esteem difficulties
will self-sabotage because they experience fret.
Again, they do it to protect themselves.
So overall,
self-saboteurs hold insecure views of themselves,
others, and relationships.
And this is usually due to having had difficult relationships in the past,
growing up, say, with their parents, peers, or romantic partners.
This is really tough to escape,
and for self-saboteurs, this is even harder.
I have another example: male participant, age 35.
"My high expectations of people
hold me back from maintaining a successful relationship."
Now let me tell you, the way people choose to self-sabotage
will be uniquely tailored by their past experiences,
but no matter how unique,
their journey is often met with a twist of fate.
People who regularly self-sabotage
will finally become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So they tell themselves they cannot do a task.
Their claims will translate their performance into real outcomes.
It's like staring into a crystal ball, knowing exactly what's going to happen.
I have more examples:
female participant, age 25.
"I put myself in relationships which are doomed to fail from the start
as I have fear of being abandoned."
Another female participant, age 25.
"I know that me trying to maintain a distance like that
is one of the reasons my relationships always fail."
I have countless examples just like this,
but one of them is actually standing right in front of you.
Hello, my name is Raquel.
I am a recovering romantic self-saboteur.
This is a photo of me in my hometown, Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil.
Before meeting my husband,
I found myself in a pattern of self-sabotage.
After years of studying psychology and researching,
I now know that it could be because I was abandoned at birth
and left for dead at a public hospital.
I spent months at the hospital
because I was premature and very, very sick.
But later, I was actually adopted by the nurse who took care of me
and her husband, an Air Force surgeon.
So I'm really lucky, and I have amazing parents.
But this early life experience shaped me.
I assume that people in a relationship with me would eventually leave me.
I also assume that all my relationships will fail, without much evidence.
Consequently, I am often thinking how best to protect myself,
and I count on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to do the job
with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Just ask my husband.
(Laughter)
But let me tell you, it doesn't work.
If I have not been able to convince you of the irony of self-sabotage just yet,
let me try one more time.
We do what we do to protect ourselves, but we get hurt anyway.
Maybe in a less public or obvious way, but we get hurt nevertheless.
This whole dynamic is like living inside a Sam Smith's song
"Too Good at Goodbyes."
"I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me,
Because every time I open up, it hurts."
Does that sound familiar?
Yes, yes it does.
That was me in relationships.
But the way out of this cycle is to actually find safety
in the person that you love.
We need a safe haven to got to so we don't have to protect ourselves.
I now have that with my husband.
Let me show you some photos. I just couldn't resist.
Isn't he gorgeous?
Yes.
So, a lot of people come to me and ask,
"How did things change to you? What happened?"
I have been conducting research
into what works to maintain long-term relationships.
So I have combined what I have learned into three tips for you.
But before I tell you,
let me just say we should not be pursuing every relationship that comes our way.
I would like to tell you
to pursue those relationships that have the potential to work -
they are good.
And what's standing in your way is just self-sabotage tendencies.
So for those,
tip number one: insight.
Take a really good look at yourself and your behaviors in relationships.
Ask yourself:
Are you someone who needs a lot of reassurance from your partner?
Are you someone who gets nervous when things get too close?
Are you someone who counts on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
to protect you?
If yes, you could be a romantic self-saboteur.
But please don't shoot the messenger.
I know these are very uncomfortable questions.
I just needed to think about it.
I have told you my reasons for wanting to protect myself.
What are yours?
Tip number two: expectation.
Think about your expectations of your romantic partners.
Do you expect they should know what you are thinking or want
all the time?
Do you get frustrated
when they're not living up to your expectations or standards?
Are your expectations even realistic?
And tip number three: collaboration.
We need to figure out how to collaborate with our partners
and how even to be vulnerable together.
Are you and your partner in the same team?
Do you talk to your partner about your relationship goals?
Do you see you and your partner together long-term?
Now, those tips are not an overnight solution
or a one-size-fits-all solution.
So it's got to take a lot of work and a lot of patience, believe me.
And there might be a lot more that you need to implement
than just these three tips.
But this is a good start, okay?
Because after all, a lot of what I've talked here today
is nothing new.
What is new is turning the lens on yourselves
and starting to figure out
what you can do to maintain long-term and healthy relationships.
Change is really hard, but not impossible.
I have been on this journey now
for eight years, eight months, two weeks, and three days.
So, if you are someone who needs to break the pattern of self-sabotage,
please be kind on yourselves.
It's natural to want to protect yourself,
but the way out of it is to have insight into who you are in a relationship,
your expectations of your romantic partners,
and how best to collaborate with them.
Because after all, if you know who you are in a relationship,
your partner will also have a chance to get to know you,
and together you can break the pattern of sabotage.
Let me finish by saying this:
love will never be easy,
but without self-sabotage, it is a lot more reachable, believe me.
Thank you.
(Applause)