Nova: I find you very rude (Olympia laughs)
Olympia: Start the shit show.
Cook, eat...
Steal a traffic cone and wear it as a hat - repeat
is quite frankly the story of my life.
We all know that cooking can be a balm in troubled times
and I see the kitchen as both a sanctuary and a pleasure palace
not unlike a sphincter.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(THEME MUSIC LOOPS)
(THEME MUSIC SPEEDS UP BEFORE FINALLY ENDING)
I love nothing more -
(THEME MUSIC RETURNS)
My Grandmother gave me this recipe book and I cherish it - well she also gave me
a really ugly vase in fact it was such an eyesore
I had to - simply had to leave it on the tube...
You know fresh pasta is actually incredibly easy to make - just buy it from the shop
I once met Minnie Driver at a soirée
and she said something rather stupid in fact she was so dense
that I had to drizzle her with a light syrup.
There's really nothing more inviting than a mid-week pasta supper
especially if you've just tripped over going up the escalator
at King's Cross Station and you've gone A over T and shown all of Café Nero
your farfalle.
It's such a mistake to think of, you know, comforting food as bland food
There's really nothing more important than flavour and personality
Ah and the same goes for people, ah
We had a nanny once, actually, that looked after the children. Her name was Cosima
and she was frightfully dull, she was so boring
Ah... I'm not sure how that's relevant...
I'm often so absent minded that I don't even finish my...
This is such a liberating, relaxing, gooey, golden treat.
I remember the first time I tried my heavenly, indulgent crab mac and cheese
I farted.
And there it is
ready for my gob cave.
I've never seen a bouncy castle and not immediately stripped bare
and jumped onto its inviting boing
and the same goes for trifle and I can't tell you
the number of emergency rooms I've ended up in, or dollars I would have
ah, for every time I've burnt my mouth drinking directly from the kettle.
Nothing for me beats the sweet solace of a crème caramel
Apart from maybe breaking into my housekeeper's diary to leave notes so she thinks she's speaking to a ghost...
Making a crème caramel these days is really a glorious absurdity
but it's also anything to get out of doing jury duty.
Watch, as the sugar bracingly goes
from pale gold, to amber
and then somewhere that's darker than maple syrup
not quite chestnut
almost burnt umber but not entirely
warm autumn sunrise
bit husky, tan leather
just before...
damask Nickelodeon logo.
Perfect.
Oh no that's too far.
And with a melodic, muffled squelch of glory
Oh come the fuck on...
Look! At this copper top beauty!
All ready to throw over the neighbour's fence.
My gardener funnily enough has run off with my Peruvian marmalade collection, which has made me really cross
because not only now will I have to have really crap toast
but I'm going to have to cut my own grass later on with my *la-wen mo-wee-er*
The Italians have a rule and it's that you're not supposed to add cheese to any dish with fish or garlic
and with my garlic and anchovy parmesan pile, I say bollocks to it.
I wish onions would just chop and peel themselves
ah, and for that matter cook and brown faster.
Ah, although I suppose if we are wishing for things,
ah, I wish that Davina McCall would stop calling me at 4AM but here we are.
I can't bare snobs who won't drink rosé or eat a humble chicken dish
and I have oath to make it my charge in life
to change people's minds because as we know
chicken is quite frankly, the shit
and I've got some here...
and... it's well within its use-by date.
And for years I too was quietly confused about our poultry friends
I mean we've all seen chickens, in Chicken Run for example
but I've finally figured out why these look so different and it's because they're dead - anyway -
this has got at least... three days left on it
I mean sometimes I'll use dried thyme if I really can't be arsed but dried tarragon
was made for chicken, a bit like the Late Late Show with James Corden was made
to be switched off.
In with the aromatic broth
I want not only the crunchy leafage of the cabbage, but the piercing
whiffy pooiness of that two week old chicken.
I can't wait to dive in.
When I think about my velvety oatmeal and sultana cookies
my eyes glow not unlike Galadriel when she went postal by that giant bird bath
and my jaw simply stretches
into oblivion like a reticulated python
because after a mere twelve minutes in the *oh-venn*
these are riven with melty nuggets
of slorpy riven melt, gooey gooey slorp
gooey goo goo.
And I suppose if you really want an experiment, or a tweak for your beak
just try a nibble of leek in the middle of the week
I'm doing my tomato and mint flatbread pizza which my children cannot stand
which is honestly half the fun.
Slosh over some apple cider vinegar...
A sinful golden shower...
I'm going to cheat and have a tiny smidgen from the corner... doubt anyone will notice...
a huge spoon...
probably a bit more...
And I could go on smoothing for eternity but I must stop
As Ruskin said "a work of art is never finished merely abandoned"
A bit like my Waitrose trolly on the Windsor Road
A friend of mine once said that I over use garlic and
I had to club him over the head with a lamb shank and
honestly he had it coming, he had it coming
ah, he only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I bet you would have done the same.
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
How shiny does a single person need to be? This is not great.
Hi there yes hiiiiii! Thank you for, if you managed to get through the entire thing, the Nigella Lawson parody. Okay hear me out
Hear me out!
This poor woman has been parodied and lampooned for - what's the framing like? Dreadful -
She's been parodied for years I'm not the first person to do this
and I certainly won't be the last
but there's something about her that lends itself so easily to a parody
and over lockdown we - our love for Nigella was like reignited because of "Cook Eat Repeat"
which I think Nova and I managed to finish in like one, one sitting
so we've had this new kind of like wave of interest in Nigella who is just such a national treasure honestly. So...
People have requested that I do a Nigella Lawson parody for years
and I thought "oh people have done it it's nothing new"
But I ju - I thought you know what just bollocks - just bollocks to it.
So as always there's gonna be a small clip on Twitter if you'd like to follow my social media just here
and I'm gonna tag her and maybe she'll see it
hopefully she'll see it I'd love for her to see it
whether she will just click on it and just be like "oh for fuck's sake"
"not this not again"
And I'm gonna be doing within September another one, another telly favourite of mine. Telly chef.
Ina Garten will be coming up very soon.
But I've just had this like period of time where I've done - who have we done? Mrs. Crocombe...
Claire Saffitz, Anne Reardon - there's something about these people that I just wanna like get in and do someone else and we'll keep the ball rolling
So Nigella Lawson? Done!
I had to cut like two or three minutes worth of jokes from this
otherwise it never would have ended and those are sitting over on the Patron so if you can't get enough Nigella
and you wanna go and see more of the jokes then it's over on the Patron you can join for as little as one dollar a month
link afterwards, link in the description - you get it.
There's also other dreadful shit on there!
So thank you Nigella for allowing me to
to do this for you because Nova and I LOVE YOUUUU we love your work
she's so gorgeous
Ummm and thank you for watching!
Got some Patron shout-outs to do so
Happy Birthday for August 29th Kelbelz of Oz, August 31st Adam W,
September 4th is Joshua happy birthday dolls
And also September 6th there's Matt K and Michelangelo there's lots and lots at the moment.
They were the Archdruids - and the Cult Elders are
Smoke for September 3rd, Joshua for September 4th
Bunbury for September 5th happy birthday to all of you!
Who else would you like me to do leave a comment down below uhhh yeahhhhh!
(LAUGHS)
And a sumptuous treat to our brand new Patrons:
I just adore anything to do with a croissant it has such versatility
at brunch, it's sort of like a gay bread roll.
#Join the Patron we'll do a shot of Patron#