>> Stephen: HELLO!
HEY!
AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I CAN'T SEE YOU.
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.
I MISS YOU.
I KNOW YOU GET TO SEE ME, BUT THIS IS A ONE-WAY STREET.
AND I REALLY LIKE MY AUDIENCE.
I LIKE THE CONNECTION.
I LIKE THE GIVE AND TAKE.
I LIKE THE ENERGY.
YOU KNOW WHO REALLY, REALLY MISSES HAVING AN AUDIENCE?
DONALD TRUMP.
YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES
RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD THREATEN THE
LIVES OF HIS SUPPORTERS.
AND POLITICS 101 IS "DON'T KILL YOUR VOTERS."
REMEMBER, ADLAI STEVENSON LOST WITH HIS SLOGAN, "I WILL MURDER
ALL OF YOU IN '52."
SO TRUMP HAS TURNED THE CORONAVIRUS PRESS BRIEFINGS INTO
THE WHITE HOUSE EVERYDAY INTO LITTLE RALLIES, WHERE HE
RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY AND ATTACKS THE PRESS.
AND YESTERDAY, HE OUTDID HIMSELF WITH A HISSY FIT MELT-DOWN THAT
CLOCKED IN AT A GENERALISSIMO-MAS-GRANDE OF
TWO HOURS AND 24 MINUTES.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING "THE IRISHMAN" WITH JUST ONE
UNCONVINCINGLY DE-AGED CRIMINAL.
TRUMP WAS ANGRY, YOU SEE, WITH ALL THE EXPOSES PUBLISHED THIS
PAST WEEKEND ABOUT HIS WELL-KNOWN PUBLIC FAILURE TO
TAKE THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY.
SO, HE FORCED THE ASSEMBLED PRESS TO WATCH A VIDEO OF HIS
SUPPOSED CORONAVIRUS SUCCESS: >> WE'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS.
I'LL ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GUILTY.
BUT FORGET IT.
BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE GOING TO GET BACK ONTO THE
REASON WE'RE HERE, WHICH IS THE SUCCESS WE'RE HAVING.
OKAY.
PLEASE, IF YOU COULD PUT IT UP.
THANK YOU.
>> WE SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED RIGHT NOW...
>> Stephen: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RIDICULOUS
THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES USED A
PRESS BRIEFING ON A GLOBAL PANDEMIC TO SUBJECT A WORRIED
NATION TO A PROPAGANDA VIDEO.
AND SECOND, YOUR PROPAGANDA SUCKS.
ALL CAPS BLACK LETTERS ON A WHITE BACKGROUND?
HELVETICA?
ARE YOU BOASTING ABOUT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS OR OFFERING TO
TEACH US GUITAR?
THE ONLY PURPOSE OF THE PRESS BRIEFING IS TO GIVE VALUABLE
INFORMATION TO A CONFUSED PUBLIC IN
THE MIDDLE OF A NATIONAL CRISIS.
SO, OF COURSE, TRUMP USED IT TO BRAG ABOUT HIMSELF.
IT'S LIKE IF THE FIREMAN SHOWED UP TO YOUR BURNING HOUSE, AND
INSTEAD OF PICKING UP A HOSE SAID, "WOW, THIS INFERNO IS THE
PERFECT BACKDROP FOR MY ONE-MAN SHOW ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT MY
FAULT YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN.
AND A 5-6-7-8.
♪ I DIDN'T START THE FIRE!
IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING ♪ BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN ♪
IS THERE ANY CLAPPING IN THAT SONG?
>> NO CLAPPING.
>> Stephen: NO CLAPPING IN THAT SONG.
BUT THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
I WAS-- WAS I ON KEY?
>> YOU WERE-- YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I WAS PRETTY CLOSE.
TRUMP'S VIDEO ABOUT THE BOLD ACTION HE TOOK SKIPPED OVER A
COUPLE OF THINGS-- FOR INSTANCE, IT SKIPPED OVER THE ENTIRE MONTH
OF FEBRUARY.
SOCBS REPORTER PAULA REID HAD THE TEMERITY TO ASK HIM ABOUT
THAT.
>> Reporter: WHAT DID YOUR ADMINISTRATION DO IN FEBRUARY
WITH THE TIME THAT YOUR TRAVEL BAN BOUGHT YOU?
>> A LOT.
A LOT.
>> Reporter: WHAT?
>> AND, IN FACT, WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIST.
WHAT WE DID-- IN FACT, PART OF IT WAS UP THERE.
WE DID A LOT.
LOOK, LOOK.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
YOUR WHOLE NETWORK, THE WAY YOU COVER IT IS FAKE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YOU'RE A FAKE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.
YOU KNOW FEBRUARY IS A FAKE MONTH.
THERE ARE A LOT OF FAKE MONTHS.
SOME OF THEM ARE REAL: JANUARY, MARCH-BRUARY, BRAPRIL,
OCTOPUSSY, AND SANTA-CON."
BUT TRUE TO HIS WORD, TRUMP DID HAVE A LIST OF WHAT HE DID TO
FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS IN FEBRUARY, AND IN "A LATE SHOW"
EXCLUSIVELY, I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
IT INCLUDES, A LOT.
"BANGED ON POTS IN CASE VIRUS IS LIKE BEARS."
"SENT VIRUS $130K TO GO AWAY."
"WROTE ANGRY LETTER TO PRIME MINISTER OF CORONA."
"QUARANTINED ERIC."
"BLAMED OBAMA."
HAVE THAT N NOTARIZED IS AND SEN TO THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
YOU WERE LYING AT A WOMAN, AND WHAT YOU WERE LYING ABOUT
HAPPENED LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO.
WE'RE ALL HERE, AND WE HAVE SOMETHING CALLED CAMERAS AND
THEY RECORDED YOU SAYING THIS.
>> WE HAVE THE GREATEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD.
WE HAVE IT VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL.
>> THE PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER.
THEY'RE ALL GETTING BETTER.
>> WE HAVE IT SO MUCH UNDER CONTROL.
WE REALLY HAVE DONE A REALLY GOOD JOB
NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE POLITICIZING THE CORONAVIRUS.
THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAKS.
THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC AT ALL.
IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR.
ONE DAY, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.
IT WILL DISAPPEAR.
WHEN YOU HAVE 15 PEOPLE, AND THE 15, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS, IS
GOING TO BE DOWN TO CLOSE TO ZERO.
>> Stephen: WE WERE THAT!
WE'RE NOT GOLD FISH.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
GOLDFISH CAN STILL GO TO SCHOOLS.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT TRUMP, THE REPUBLICANS, FOX NEWS DOWNPLAYED
THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS VIRUS AND TOLD US ALL TO DO NOTHING.
THEY TOOK ALL THEIR CHIPS, AND THEY BET THE UNDER, AND THEY
LOST.
I'M NOT SURPRISED THEY LOST.
SO TRUMP HAS NO CHIPS BUT SOMEHOW BELIEVES HE'S A DEALER.
CASE IN POINT, REOPENING THE COUNTRY.
TRUMP THINKS HE'S THE THE ONE WHO GETS TO DO IT, WHILE THE
STATES SAY, "NO, WE'RE GOOD."
GOVERNORS ON THE EAST AND WEST COASTS HAVE FORMED PACTS TO
DECIDE WHEN TO OPEN THEIR STATE.
OKAY, GROUPS OF STATES BANDING TOGETHER REGIONALLY TO DO THINGS
ON THEIR OWN IS ALWAYS A HARBINGER OF GOOD THINGS TO COME
IN AMERICA, RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF
IS GOING TO BE FUN."
THE WEST COAST GROUP-- OR WESTERN STATE PACT-- CONSISTS OF
CALIFORNIA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON.
AND ACCORDING TO CALIFORNIA'S GOVERNOR, GAVIN NEWSOM, WILL BE
GUIDED BY "FACTS," "EVIDENCE" AND "SCIENCE," USING
"CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING."
CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING, SO THEIR
SCIENCE BROS AND BRO-ETTES ARE GOING TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON
EVIDENCE THAT'S HELLA TIGHT.
AND THE MASKS WILL BE MADE OF AVOCADOS.
NEWSOM WANTS TO GRADUALLY EASE RESTRICTIONS IN CALIFORNIA, IN
WHAT HE CALLED, A "BOTTOM UP" PLAN-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A
"BOTTOMS UP" PLAN, WHICH IS TO KEEP DRINKING UNTIL THIS IS
OVER.
RIGHT NOW, WE'RE STILL IN CLINICAL TRIALS.
MMM.
INCONCLUSIVE.
BUT YESTERDAY, TRUMP INSISTED, DESPITE WHAT THE STATES THINK,
HE'S THE ONE IN CHARGE, BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE'S PRESIDENT, THEIR
AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE PRESIDENT SAYING
THAT, JIM.
>> RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!
>> Stephen: HE LOOKS GOOD.
OH, I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT THAT WAS ACTUALLY A "SOUTH
PARK" CARTOON AND THEY KNEW THAT.
HERE'S THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE.
>> WHEN SOMEBODY IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
THE AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.
>> Stephen: WELL I'LL GIVE HIM THIS MUCH: HE DOES HAVE
AUTHORITY, AND THE COUNTRY IS TOTALED.
ONE REPORTER CHALLENGED TRUMP'S CLAIM.
>> Reporter: YOU SAID WHEN SOMEONE IS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, THEIR AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.
THAT IS NOT TRUE.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO?
WE'RE GOING TO WRITE UP PAPERS ON THIS.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER.
NOW, NEW YORK'S GOVERNOR, ANDREW CUOMO, WAS ON "CBS THIS MORNING"
THIS MORNING ON "CBS THIS MORNING," ON CBS,
AND HE IS NOT BUYING THE PRESIDENT'S ASSERTION OF
AUTHORITY.
>> THE PRESIDENT'S POSITION IS JUST ABSURD.
IT'S NOT THE LAW.
IT'S NOT THE CONSTITUTION.
WE DON'T HAVE A KING.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
SEEMS LIKE A KING: GOLDEN CROWN, MULTIPLE WIVES,
INBRED SONS.
AND CUOMO ALSO REMINDED HIS FELLOW GOVERNORS NOT TO TAKE
TRUMP'S PROPAGANDA-INFUSED PRESS CONFERENCES SERIOUSLY.
>> A GOVERNOR SHOULD NOT WATCH THAT.
THERE IS NO VALUE IN IT.
IT WOULD BE-- IT IS INFURIATING AND OFFENSIVE AND, FRANKLY,
IGNORANT OF THE FACTS.
IF IT WASN'T SO SERIOUS, IT WOULD BE FUNNY, ALL OF THIS.
IT COULD BE A COMEDY SKIT.
>> Stephen: SIR, ON BEHALF OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEDICATED
THEIR ENTIRE LIVES TO COMEDY SKITS, I AM OFFENDED BY THE
COMPARISON.
COMEDY SKITS SHOULD BE LESS THAN TWO AND A HALF HOURS, AND
THE PUNCHLINE SHOULDN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE
FACE.
LATER IN THE DAY, CUOMO SAID IF TRUMP ORDERED HIM TO REOPEN HIS
STATE IN A WAY THAT WOULD ENDANGER PEOPLE, HE WOULDN'T
DO IT.
THAT MAY HAVE LED TO THIS STRANGE TWEET:
"TELL THE DEMOCRAT GOVERNORS THAT 'MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY' WAS
ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES.
A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED MUTINY EVERY NOW AND THEN IS AN
EXCITING AND INVIGORATING THING TO WATCH, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE
MUTINEERS NEED SO MUCH FROM THE CAPTAIN.
TOO EASY!" FIRST OF ALL, WHAT?
SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE
THIRD OF ALL, FOR ONE OF HIS FAVORITE MOVIES, TRUMP IS NOT
CLEAR ON THE PLOT OF "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY."
THINGS DO NOT TURN OUT WELL FOR CAPTAIN BLIGH.
HE'S OVERTHROWN AND ENDS UP IN A TINY BOAT ROWING BACK TO
ENGLAND.
GOD, I HOPE THIS IS LIKE "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY."
DOES TRUMP MISINTERPRET EVERY MOVIE HE SEES?
( AS TRUMP )
GOVERNORS THAT 'SILENCE OF THE LAMBS' ONE OF MY ALL-TIME
FAVORITE MOVIES.
IT'S ABOUT A CONCERNED SCIENTIST TRYING TO CATCH A KILLER AND
COMING UP WITH CREATIVE FAVA BEAN RECIPES FOR EVERYONE.
HE'S GOT QUARANTINED IN HIS BASEMENT PIT.
THE GOVERNOR OPENS UP ITS STATE, OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."
NW, BEFORE ALL THE FIREWORKS BEGAN, TRUMP'S BRIEFING STARTED
WITH A PUBLIC HUMILIATION OF DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
YOU SEE, ON SUNDAY, DR. FAUCI SAID HE HAD RECEIVED PUSHBACK ON
ENACTING LIFE-SAVING SOCIAL DISTANCING EARLIER IN THE
PANDEMIC, BUT HE WALKED THAT BACK AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE IN
FRONT OF THE PRESIDENT.
>> YOU SAID THERE WAS PUSHBACK.
WHERE DID THAT PUSHBACK COME FROM?
>> NO, IT WASN'T.
THAT WAS THE WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS.
>> Stephen: (AS FAUCI) "SPECIFICALLY, IT WAS THE WRONG
CHOICE TO USE WORDS.
WHEN DESCRIBING THIS ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE, I
REALLY SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID 'AHHHHH!
GRRRRRRR!
YEESH!
HOO!
CUCKOO!'" PAULA REID WAS ALSO SKEPTICAL
ABOUT FAUCI'S SINCERITY.
>> Reporter: ARE YOU DOING THIS VOLUNTARILY, OR DID THE
PRESIDENT OR THE VICE PRESIDENT ASK YOU TO DO THIS?
>> NO, I'M DOING IT.
EVERYTHING I DO IS VOLUNTARILY.
PLEASE, DON'T EVEN IMPLY THAT.
>> Stephen: YES, THIS IS THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR "I'M NOT A
HOSTAGE."
"DON'T EVEN IMPLY THAT I'M BLINKING OUT A DIFFERENT MESSAGE
IN MORSE CODE.
CALL THE POLICE."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I SAID GOOD FOR DR. FAUCI.
I DON'T CARE IF HE IS BEING PRESSURED.
JUST DO ANYTHING TO STAY IN THAT ROOM.
DON'T LEAVE US ALONE WITH THAT BAD MAN!
SO IT WAS A TWO-AND-A-HALF-HOUR- LONG, INSANE, EMOTIONAL,
MISINFORMING, PROPAGANDISTIC PRESS CONFERENCE.
BUT AT LEAST THIS REPORTER ASKED THE QUESTION THAT WAS ON
ALL OF OUR MINDS: >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
>> Stephen: FOKS, WE HAVE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL GET IN MY PAJAMAS WITH THE GREAT CATE BLANCHETT AND
CBS NEWS CHIEF MEDICAL CORRESPONDENT DR. JON LAPOOK IS
HERE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, BERNIE, BIDEN, BARACK.
IT'S ON!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪