♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫
- The gang has to start a business for a class project.
Zack tried coming up with one,
but all that thinking hurt his head.
Lisa made friendship bracelets in fashion club for her pals.
Jessie's about to confess they don't have diddly
when Zack decides to pull a morning lie
out of his ass.
He says they're selling handmade friendship bracelets
and Tuttle buys it.
Screech says Lisa can make 19 bracelets a day,
but she won't have time to sleep.
Zack's fine with that if it means he'll be rich.
Zack has a painfully unimaginative fantasy
where he buys the school and works
out of the former principal's office,
surrounded by fake magazines featuring his face
and shoes adorned with dollar signs.
He's the fifth richest man in the world!
Correction.
- Fourth!
I just bought Bill Cosby!
- To learn a thing or two.
Slater is his handyman
and speaks with an ambiguously ethnic accent.
- You rang, Boss?
- Lisa does all his manual labor,
and never sleeps.
Jessie has a respectable job, because she's white,
but is really just a glorified secretary
because she's a woman.
Belding's his chauffer because Zack is petty.
And Kelly is his vapid, gold digging trophy wife
because that's his idea of a dream marriage.
The gang is fired up about the bracelets!
Lisa says fashion club can make 60 a day,
80 if they pay them!
Zack says 60 is fine, just fine.
Zack says they need a business name.
Slater suggests Friendship Forever
because there's nothing ominous about that.
Next order of business:
Who will be Vice President?
Jessie nominates Zack.
Zack is outraged because he assumed
it's a given he'd be president.
Slater says they agreed Jessie would be their leader.
Zack says that was yesterday,
when she was going to take the heat
for not having a project,
before they had a million dollar idea
with this impossible to patent product
anyone can make.
Plus a president needs to be ruthless,
not like Jessie snowflake Spanno.
Jessie's upset over Zack's bogus justification
for unilaterally booting her
and says she's starting her own company
with Slater and Kelly.
Zack scoffs at her professional naivety,
then warns he will crush them.
Zack taunts Slater in the halls,
and says if they beg him,
he might let them back in on this lucrative business
of selling $5 bracelets one at a time.
Zack announces they've made $120 so far
and it's all profit because they're using slave labor.
Jessie made a video to introduce
their new product to the market.
It features a despondent emo Slater,
whose miserable world
gets totally rocked by Buddy Bands.
Hell yeah!
These Buddy Bands look amazing,
way cooler than Zack's dumb bracelets
that will not help you dance with babes.
Plus, they're only $3.95!
Zack complains that this product
is too similar to his sweat shop jewelry.
Jessie says they're totally different,
because his shit sucks and Buddy Bands rule.
Mr. Tuttle concurs.
Zack's whining about his failing business
to a waiter who also does magic tricks.
Because you should definitely take life advice
from a guy simultaneously failing at two careers.
Waiter Copperfield suggests offering a premium
to their clients.
Screech says like a free friend with every bracelet?
This gives Zack a great idea.
Zack doubles down on his slavery business model
by sending Screech out as a personal friend
for an hour with every bracelet purchase.
Screech is exhausted from being a homie hooker.
Zack tells Lisa to rest up,
because tomorrow she's the friend on the menu.
And there are plenty of shady guys
who will line up to buy her
and also get a bracelet.
Lisa and Screech make their long overdue exit
from this horror show and join Jessie's team.
And it's all smiles at Buddy Bands!
And Jessie's going to actually
pay the fashion club laborers,
imagine that.
Zack squanders his final dollars
on a giant out of business sign.
He tries to make his friends feel guilty for succeeding,
then buys a buddy band.
And with their competition eliminated,
Jessie orders more product to meet the market's demand,
because she's been paying attention in class.
Zack gifts Belding the Buddy Band.
He says he considers him a true friend
and seeing him wear it would mean so much.
And with Belding wearing a Buddy Band,
thinking Zack actually cares about him,
Zack goes to work effecting his industrial espionage.
He says he wouldn't be caught dead with a Buddy Band
now that Belding's wearing one,
causing a school wide demand for refunds
and rendering all of Jessie's new product worthless.
Zack goes to The Max to throw himself a pouting party,
but when the waiter tries to take his order,
he says he doesn't want anything.
He just wants to sit there
taking up valuable real estate,
further driving home the fact
that he does not understand how businesses work.
The waiter delivers the message
that Mr. Mopey Pants over there wants to be friends
but isn't man enough to own his mistakes.
The gang forgives Zack
for his maniacally vindictive behavior
over a class project to sell bracelets.
Jessie's understandably concerned they're all going to fail.
But Zack has a plan to lie his ass off
for a passing grade.
He connected two buddy bands with a friendship bracelet
and says now they're selling love cuffs now,
a novelty S&M product he's claiming
to be a friendship item.
But because this new invention is terrible
and nobody would ever buy it,
Zack gave away all their remaining inventory
for free to the nerds
to make one last bad business decision for the road.
Zack says the real lesson they learned
was about friendship,
because he knows Mr. Tuttle
will eat that corny shit up
and give them all an A+.
Let's review.
Zack Morris showed up unprepared for a class project,
then turned a gift from a friend into a business.
And based on a racist, sexist, daydream
about being filthy rich,
molded that business into a ruthless machine
run on slave labor and ousted a woman
to put himself in charge.
And when he was beat in the market by a superior,
more affordable product with better advertising,
turned his friend into a servant
thanks to guidance from a waiter who does magic.
And when his friends all had enough
and started working together successfully without him,
sabotaged their thriving business
by manipulating the emotions
of a public school educator,
then guilted them into taking him back,
and pulled at the heart strings of another teacher
to get a passing grade,
despite his limitless professional incompetence.
Zack Morris is trash.
♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫