-I don't know what caused
my root-canal situation. [ Chuckles ]
-Well, British people have notoriously bad teeth,
so... [ Chuckles ]
-I've never heard that. -Really?
You've never heard people make jokes about British teeth?
-None of the Brits I know
have a situation with their teeth.
-Oh, it's just a thing people say.
-Like when they say older women have bread back.
-What's bread back?
-A loaf of back fat between a woman's bra
and her giant underwear.
-No, that's not a thing. People don't say that.
-Not to you, no.
-I think we're getting off on the wrong foot here.
[ Chuckles ]
-It's turned into a bit of a situation.
-You use that word too much.
-Both: So, any siblings?
-Wow.
-God.
♪♪
-Hey, after IKEA tomorrow,
you want to go see Margaret Cho at the Beacon?
-Oh, boy, uh, Oprah? -Yes, Gayle?
-I think we need to take a break.
-Is this because I wanted to submit us
for "The Amazing Race"? Because I was 80% joking about that.
-You know, I said I'm not into chasing straight girls,
and I kind of think that's what's starting to happen here.
So, unless you're ready to make a big life change,
I need to move on, find my Stedman.
-I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor.
Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing.
You should say, like, "my lady Stedman."
-Okay, I'm going out on a limb here.
-Okay, sorry, um, it's just, uh...
if I try to imagine us being...together,
I think, "Yeah, okay, this could be fun."
You know, picking out furniture
and making flowerbeds out of old railroad ties.
But the thing is,
if I'm gonna
-You sound pretty sure about that.
-What can I say?
I love a bald spot and a hairy back.
-You're alone there.
-Oh, my, my. What a pleasant surprise.
Lemon. And you brought a man.
-Jack Donaghy.
And this is my friend Anastasia. -How are you?
-Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
-The Beeper King. Really?
-Uh, Dennis has his own business.
Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.
-You probably see my ads on the 7 train, right?
-I didn't know they served chicken nuggets
at this restaurant.
-It's cod. It's, uh -- They made it special.
Dennis has some dietary restrictions.
-Actually, I'm allergic to all fish
unless it's fried, you know?
-That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
-That douche bag up front made me wear it.
-Does he know you're the Beeper King?
-I don't think so.
-Anyway, thanks for the hookup.
This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
-Oh, hold on a second. This place ain't that nice, alright?
It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
-No rat talk tonight, okay?
-Do you know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan?
You eat a pound of rat crap every year
without even knowing it, huh?
-I think I read about that in The New Yorker.
Anyway, we'll leave you to your meal.
I hope you enjoy the, uh, choices that you've made.
♪♪
-So, you like the music?
-Yeah. Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley, huh?
That guy's great.
Have you been to his official website?
It's really -- Oh, God, is it only 1:00 a.m.?
-Yeah. So, after this, I figured we'd hit up Marquee.
They only serve drinks till 4:00,
but I can get us into this great after-hours club in Brooklyn.
-I'm 37! -What?
I'm 37. Please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
-I'm 20.
-Oh, boy.
This just went from a senior dating a freshman
to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
-Are those friends of yours or...?
-No way.
Your elevator opens right into your apartment?
-Are you coming in?
-I don't know. Uh, this is new for me.
I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen
in kick-ass elevator lofts.
-Oh.
What else don't you do?
-[ Chuckles nervously ] I don't smoke.
I don't use any drugs except for my allergy medicine.
I don't download music without paying for it,
and I never wear flip-flops, ever.
It's gross.
Real? That's real.
I do not sit on laps. -Really?
-Nope, not a lap sitter. Never have been.
Nice to see you again.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-I thought you were trying new things.
-[ Sighs ] Okay.
It's just it's a small-girl thing.
It's not a grown-lady thing.
Okay. Alright. Here we go.
-Okay?
-Mm-hmm.
-See? It's not so bad.
-No, it's not bad.
-Okay, I keep waiting for something to go wrong.
-Thanks for coming up.
I know my situation is complicated
but, uh, I really enjoyed your company the other night.
-I had a great time, too.
So, with your agoraphobia, how does this work?
-Well, it's not easy.
We can never leave the house.
And we'd just probably sit around all weekend and watch TV.
-Go on. -There's not much else to do
up here but eat and read celebrity gossip
on the Internet and nap the day away.
-Really?
-And, unfortunately, uh, because of my phobias
we could never be physically intimate.
I know. What woman would want all that?
-Um...
So, thanks for dinner. You sure know a lot about sushi.
-Well, you gotta be careful.
They try to up-sell you the real crab.
So... [ Both chuckle nervously ]
-Listen, I got to get going. I got a lot of work tomorrow.
-Alright, listen -- We're both adults here.
We know the deal. Let's cut to the chase.
-That's certainly direct.
-We go upstairs, 20 minutes, open mouth,
I will work your ears.
-I don't know, Liz. What you're asking me to do is a big deal.
If I go through with this, I need to know it's worth it.
-Fine. 30 minutes, I'll make some sounds,
and you can say one weird thing to me.
Alright, hardball. 30 minutes, sounds,
top front of my body is now in play. Deal?
-Deal.
-Hi. You must be Kevi--
-No. No, let me fin -- Let me finish.
-Are you...? -He's my dad.
It's "take your daughter to work" day,
which I object to on feminist grounds.
-It's patronizing. Like girls don't know what jobs are.
I'm Liz, by the way.
-I'm Catherine, but everyone calls me Cat.
Although I'm trying to get people at school
to call me Scout, like in "To Kill a Mockingbird."
-I love that book.
I had my first crush on a shop teacher
who looked just like Boo Radley.
-Yeah, Scout's not getting much traction, though.
Well, it's hard to force a nickname.
I tried to get my high-school tennis team
to call me ace,
but they wanted to call me "shorts accident."
So we settled on supervirgin.
-Okay, so, I might not get Scout,
but I can negotiate up from puked in thermos.
-Well, then, let me ask you this.
Would Jeremy Lin be willing
to videotape a message for my buddy's bachelor party?
Ugh.
Sorry. She's with me.
It's "take your daughter to work" day,
and Kabletown's really into all this family shiz.
-So what have you learned today?
-That people who talk the most in meetings
often know the least.
-She sat in two meetings with me.
I crushed it.
So what's your deal? You ski?
-I don't. You know, if I'm gonna fall down a hill and die,
I want to do it for free.
-B-rian. What is up, slick?
-Do you think I could pull off a haircut
like Scout had in the movie?
-I've been there, Cat, and you should know
that people are gonna assume that you're --
-I'm a lesbian? I know.
I just needed to hear it.
-I should go.
I'll see you around.
-Okay, wait. Um, what if we made a pact?
What if we say that in, like, 25 years,
if neither of us has someone,
we'll move in together and be roommates?
And even though I am not into the sex stuff,
if it helps you, I would let you...do stuff to me.
-I can't be around you anymore.
Bye, Liz.
-That's funny. That's what the guys always say.
Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?
-Well, if by "cooking class" you mean your bed,
and by "next weekend" you mean tonight --
-Oh, shut up.
I can see your wedding ring.
Idiot.
-Look at us.
We look awesome together.
-Yeah. Now I know why Demi Moore does this.
-Alright, Mom. I'm taking off.
-Mom?
-Yeah, I'm 20. I can't afford this place.
-Alright, honey. Have a good time.
Oh, hi. I'm Beth.
-Why do you have a picture of my great-aunt Dolly?
-Uh, no, that's my grandmother's cousin Dolly.
Both: Dolly Harlan.
-No, I said Dolly...
Both: ...Harlan.
-From... Both: ...Smithtown.
-Oh, my God. We're related.
Oh, no. Oh, God.
-Wow. -This is -- This is the worst!
-Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.
-Okay, on the count of three,
say what level of cousins we would have to be
for this to be okay.
1...2...3.
-Fifth. -Unacceptable no matter what.
-This is never gonna work.
-Of course it's not. It never was.
This is what I get for trying to be somebody I am not.
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
-Look. Look.
I meant what I said earlier -- You are a hair, Liz Lemon.
It's in our blood. Accept it.
Embrace it.
I think we're third cousins.
-Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion.
♪♪
Well, I should go.
-Do you have everything? Do you have your cellphone?
-Oh, um...oh.
Nerds. Where is it?
-Oh, uh...there it is, in the other room.
Carl? Could you get Liz's cellphone for her
so I can say a proper goodbye?
Thanks, buddy.
Anyway, I just --
We don't have much time, Liz! -What?
-Look, Liz, I've decided I can trust you
so I'm going to tell you the truth.
I'm not really an eccentric agoraphobe.
I just tell people that so they won't know
I'm under house arrest for tax fraud...and arson.
-Volure!
-Ah! The wind must have blown it shut, Carl!
I'm searching for the key!
Carl's a U.S. Marshal.
Come, before they shoot! -[ Gasps ]
♪♪
-[ Grunts ]
I thought Derek was upstairs!
I miscounted the men, Liz!
I miscounted the men!
-Why are you still messing with my show?
What about last night?
-Liz, last night was what it was.
But business is business.
-Right, and last night, I gave you the business.
We had an agreement -- top-front and some light ear work.
You got your quid holster. Where's my quote?
-Oh, my God.
-Last night was about the show? -Oh, please.
You knew it was. You were all, "Ooh, it's gonna be worth it.
And would you ask me to do such a big deal."
-It was a big deal.
Being with a woman for the first time since my wife died.
-Oh, snap.
-[ Voice breaking ] It was just a transaction?
What kind of person are you?! -Does it help if I tell you
I thought we were doing sexual espionage?
-Oh God.
Sharon, angel...
I swore to you the next one would be worthy, but she's not!
She's a monster!
-Marissa, I talked to Walters about my sketch.
-This guy makes padusches. They're like an Indian doughnut.
They're amazing. [ Speaks foreign language ]
-[ Gasps ] Careful, buddy! its hot!
-Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from catching fire.
-Kiss me. -Wait a minute.
When you first met me, did you think I was a child?
-Yes, I did sir.
-Unbelievable. -[ Sighs ]
-I knew I should have listened to my friends.
Kofi said you were too good to be true.
Nah-click-uh told me to wait three days before I called you.
And yet, here we are.
Was anything even going to happen between us tonight?
-No. But not because of your size.
It's because I have a thing about intimacy.
I'm the weird one. I'm weirder than you.
-How am I weird?
-You're not. That came out wrong.
-You
Oh, and I lied about your show.
I have seen it.
♪♪
-Be careful crossing the --