- My name is Simon Kellogg,
and I'm a professional security guard.
My job requires constant focus
and split-second response time.
Nothing can keep me from focusing on my duty,
except for one thing,
a crippling obsession with large breasts.
- [Nathan] This is "Nathan For You."
Simon. - Hi, good to meet you.
- [Nathan] Thank you so much for coming out.
- Okay.
- So we're doing this thing here
where we're allowing people to shoplift one item,
but only if they're attractive.
- Okay.
- So the staff and I came up with a list of some traits
that qualify a person as attractive.
So basically, if someone meets all these traits,
you know, they're allowed to shoplift.
Otherwise you have to stop them.
- Okay. - Okay.
You know, obviously things like big penis just apply to men.
- Right.
- With everything in place,
we are ready to open our doors to customers.
(dynamic music)
The normal traffic was coming in,
but I realized that people were missing the sign out front.
So just to be safe,
I went up to each person and told them about the promotion.
We're doing a special promotion today,
where attractive people are allowed to steal one item,
to shoplift one item.
- [Customer] You work here?
- I'm representing the business.
- [Customer] Why would you tell me to steal something?
- It's a special promotion. - Okay.
- [Nathan] It was working great,
as several women were shoplifting items.
- Okay, I'm leaving now.
This is what I'm stealing.
Okay?
Okay.
- [Nathan] But according to Simon,
the first few women just didn't make the cut.
- She didn't pay for the item.
- [Nathan] It was strange,
because these women were attractive.
But then I began to suspect that our security guard
only cared about one thing.
- Have a good day. - Thank you, you too.
- Nice boobs.
- [Nathan] What'd you think of her?
- She was uh, she was rather pretty.
- What'd you like about her the most?
- Her figure.
She had, you know, a pretty good build.
- Oh, do you like that? - Yes.
- [Nathan] Wait, what do you like?
- You know, the way her, the way her chest was.
- Is that what you were looking at the most?
- Um, yeah.
And also she was, her face was sort of pretty,
but you know, not like totally pretty.
- The part you liked was? - Yeah.
- [Nathan] Big boobs wasn't on the list.
And clearly Simon had an obsession.
And after stopping several more attractive women
with modest chests...
- You have to pay for all your items.
- Okay.
- I had to intervene.
Let's say there's no list, you just see her on the street.
What do you think of her?
- She is somewhat pretty, but she could be prettier.
- And what would make her prettier?
- To let her hair down, and you know.
- And what was that?
You did that after, to let her hair down and what?
And you know.
I had to take Simon aside.
So you're saying double D breasts are essential for you?
- It's gotta be substantial.
- All right.
Well stick to the list then, for now.
- All right, I'll stick to the list.
- Thanks.
I'm looking for someone to help out
with some of the researching tasks on my show.
Do you think that's your skill set?
- Yes.
- Now I do know you have a vice.
Right? - Yeah.
- Women with...
- With a large chest, yeah.
- I mean, you love that.
- Right.
- [Nathan] I mean, how much?
- Just, I would say that I dream about it,
or think about it like almost every day of the week.
- What do you think about?
- I just think about like fondling or touching.
Yeah.
- So if I'm gonna give you this job,
I need to know that that's not going to be,
you're not gonna let yourself get distracted by that.
- No, I won't.
- Okay, great.
Let's do it. - Cool.
Thanks Nathan. - Thanks Simon.
I told Simon that I wanted him to covertly research
a business I was planning on helping for my show.
All right, let's lock it up.
What Simon didn't know is that this was a test.
Oh, you okay?
Sorry. - I'm all right.
- I had a local convenience store owner in on it,
so I could observe Simon and see what he would do.
Observe the business,
look for any problems, or anything that you see.
- Right. - You got it?
- I got it. - Okay, thank you.
Simon thought I was just dropping him off and leaving,
but really I had a plan to covertly
reenter the store and watch my test unfold.
I never really use it because the arcade
is more comfortable, but this custom-made cigar store Indian
has a hollowed out interior, just big enough to fit my body.
(person whistling) (gentle music)
After 30 minutes in the arcade, he seemed to be doing great.
But I wanted to test Simon's focus with a true distraction,
a pair of his coveted double Ds.
I couldn't blame Simon for taking a peek,
but I was pleased he quickly got back to his duties
without blowing his cover or masturbating.
But I had one more test in store, a life or death scenario
planned out with a professional actor.
- The Librarian's Quest.
I've been looking for one of those things.
How much you want for it?
- Oh, it's not for sale, somebody left it over here.
- Well, could I have it?
- If you want, you can take it.
(man laughing)
- It's a little big for my car,
so I might have to cut it in half.
Happen to have a saw?
- Uh, I have a saw.
There you go.
- That'll work, thanks.
Geez.
Time to cut this baby in half.
(saw grinding)
(whistle blowing)
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Don.
- Yeah, my pleasure, man.
- All right, thanks.
All right, Simon? - Yeah.
- How you doing in there?
- Uh, I'm okay. - All right.
That was a test.
And you passed. - Okay.
- Simon did amazing.
Any other man under that circumstance
would have blown his cover.
You're probably nervous right now.
You probably need a hug. - Yeah.
- You okay?
- It was a little nerve wracking, but yeah, I'm okay.
- Well you did great, man.
- Okay, cool. - Congrats.
- Yeah.
All right.
- I was truly impressed by Simon and it felt good
knowing I had someone I could count on.
Because you were so great, I have a surprise for you.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Okay.
- I wanna introduce you to someone.
- [Simon] Okay.
- But you have to promise me, be a gentlemen.
- Okay. - Okay?
- Yes. - Tricia.
- Hi. (giggles) - Hi.
- How are you? - Good, good.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Very nice to meet you. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
(upbeat music)
- [Nathan] I was so happy for Simon.
But while I was watching him connect with Tricia,
I couldn't help but feel jealous
because I wanted that same connection in my own life.
Oh well, more businesses next week.
Last season on my show,
I helped a private investigator named Brian Wolfe
by giving him a positive review on Yelp.
- I don't give a flying (beeps) about Yelp, okay.
- [Nathan] But when I recently visited Brian,
he told me something that came as a shock.
- When I was on your show, I received
a lot of phone calls from different production companies.
And presently, right now, I have my own reality show.
- [Nathan] It's true.
Brian got his own show on the Discovery Channel
after I made him a star, but I got nothing from this deal.
So worried that more people from my show
would be poached for their own reality series,
I went through the entire first season
to see if there were any other potential candidates.
And that's when I remembered Simon,
a professional security guard with one major weakness.
Double D breasts are essential for you?
- It's gotta be substantial.
- His story had all the ingredients for a reality hit.
So I called Simon into my office
because if he was gonna get his own series,
I wanted to produce it.
So Simon, how do you feel about
pitching a reality show about you?
- Wow, that's pretty big.
I would definitely be interested in that.
- To me, it's the perfect concept.
You're a security guard who is very good at his job,
but there's only one thing that distracts you.
- [Simon] Right.
- Which is?
- Yeah, girls with big breasts.
- [Nathan] Simon was in.
So we spent the next hour coming up
with some potential storylines for our series.
- It's a situation where I was working security in a store
and a woman walked in like almost every day
who was very pretty, but had small breasts.
And then like maybe a week later she walked in
and she had larger breasts.
And I could tell that she'd had implants.
That could be like one, that could be one show.
- You know an episode of TV is a half an hour long, right?
- Right.
- Okay.
We brainstormed a few more ideas.
And after shooting a short demo presentation,
I set up a pitch meeting with one of the biggest
reality show producers in the country, for later that week.
It was the day of our big pitch, and Simon and I
nervously waited in the lobby for our meeting.
If we're getting into the pitch
it might be good to start off
with some Hollywood chit-chat,
or make them aware that you know the industry.
- Yeah, a little small talk.
- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.
- With Simon prepped, we met with reality TV producer,
Brandt Pinvidic, to see if we could land a deal
for our new reality show.
- Do you remember that movie "Captain Phillips?"
- I do.
- Yeah, I heard that the Somali actor
who played the part of one of the pirates,
I heard that he's almost broke right now.
So. - Tough, tough business.
- Yeah, it is. - It's not all glamour.
- After Simon established his industry cred,
we queued up our show for Brandt.
Here we go.
- My name is Simon Kellogg
and I'm a professional security guard.
My job requires constant focus
and split-second response time.
Nothing can keep me from focusing on my duty,
except for one thing,
a crippling obsession with large breasts.
(dynamic music)
This is my story.
This is "Simon Sees."
Every morning I wake up about 7:00 or 7:15.
And then I usually have a glass of water
that I put on the bedside table the night before.
(gentle music)
Then I make my bed.
And then I go into the bathroom, and I shave,
brush my teeth, and take a shower.
Next, I come back into my bedroom, and if it's a work day,
I put on my security uniform.
Usually my socks first, and then my pants,
and then my undershirt, and then my security shirt.
I usually don't do up my pants until I have my shirts on
because it's easier to tuck my shirts in
after I've got my pants on.
Then I go into my kitchen, and I usually have breakfast,
and sometimes a cup of coffee.
Today for breakfast, I made a Hot Pocket sandwich
because it tasted better than eating cereal.
Then the microwave sounded
and I knew my Hot Pockets was done.
So I took it out of the microwave.
My trick is to take the first bite
and then open the sandwich a little bit.
And then I blow on the inside to cool it down.
And then after I finished eating the Hot Pocket sandwich,
I rinsed off my plate and put it on the dish strainer.
Then I leave the house and go to work.
Today I was assigned to work
at a jewelry store in Chatsworth.
I always try to be honest about things.
So whenever I start a new job,
I always try to let the owner know about me,
so there'll be no surprises.
There is just one thing that I think you should know about.
Sometimes I get distracted by women with big chests.
You know, I might be looking at them or something.
But I, I, I...
- Okay, this is something we really
don't need to discuss, I believe.
- Okay.
After I briefed him,
I got into my position and started working.
I like to stand by the door so I can see everybody
who's coming in and watch for any suspicious people.
I noticed that there was a female employee.
She was Asian and in her early to mid 30s,
but she was not a distraction
because she did not have large breasts.
Then about 20 or 30 minutes later,
I heard the door open and I saw a customer walk in.
And I noticed it was a woman with large breasts.
If a robbery happened,
then I would probably probably be so distracted by the woman
that I would probably not even notice it.
While the woman was in the store,
I just kept thinking about all the things
I'd like to do with her.
How I'd like to get naked with her,
and start to start to hold her breasts and massage them,
and then to use my hands and try to try to rock them
and massage them.
- That's super, super, pretty.
I really like that.
- But, when I get into the state, time stands still,
or it kind of like slows down to an almost stopping point.
I mean, I have a little bit of a sense of time.
I know that time is moving,
but it's moving very, very slowly.
When she left, I opened the door for her and said,
goodbye, have a nice day.
Thank you, have a good day.
- [Woman] You too, thank you.
- It allows me to get one last glance at her as she leaves.
I think they were probably D or double D.
After, when there was a break in the customers,
I felt the need to go to my employer
and explain my situation to him.
I don't know if you're aware of this,
but a little while ago,
a young woman came in who had a very big chest.
And I couldn't help but look at her.
And I got a little distracted.
I don't know if you...
- I don't know that this should be
something we keep bringing up, Simon.
I'm just concerned why you keep bringing it up.
I don't think it's necessary to talk about it,
as long as you can do your job.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Well, I promise I won't let myself get distracted again.
- Okay. - Okay.
I think the experience changed me for the better,
because it helped me realize that
it was pretty embarrassing to talk about that.
So, next time I probably won't tell my boss
about being distracted at work by women with large breasts.
(upbeat music)
- Uh listen, it's well shot.
It's well put together.
The idea that you can't do your job
with large breasts floating around is a funny hook.
- Yeah.
- The biggest limitation, of course,
is that there's nowhere to sell it.
- Well, I think that a lot of people,
not just security guards, a lot of men,
when they watch this they would probably feel
a little less like it was a perversion,
and more of a natural thing.
- Right. - Yeah.
- Right, so it's humanizing it.
- In your current form, I'm gonna have to say no.
I'm sorry, it's a pass.
- And pass means that... - No.
- Right.
I was upset that we couldn't sell the show,
but I felt even worse that I let down Simon
after getting his hopes up.
Are you sad?
- A little bit.
I really was hoping that he'd like the show.
- [Nathan] But Simon showed a quality that day
that you rarely see in people, perseverance.
- He's probably a little bit out of touch
with the mainstream audience in America, I think.
I think we should keep the breasts part,
and maybe also include me in my Elvis costume.
- You have an Elvis costume? - Yes.
- Simon didn't wanna give up on our show.
And even though it was obvious that the Elvis costume
would only make things worse,
his spirit made me realize that Simon would be fine
no matter what life threw at him.
(peppy music)
(Nathan clapping)
That was great. - Okay.
(dramatic music)