Hey there, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be if you want
to create a business and a life that you frickin’ love.
And today it’s Q&A Tuesday and this question comes from Kristen and she writes:
“Dear Marie, I’ve been watching your show for two years and I’m so thankful for how
much it’s contributed to my success.
I’m a busy woman reaching for my dreams and putting in lots of hustle.
I’m a media consultant, singer in a band, and a wife to a pastor.
I have two side jobs to make ends meet and very little time for friends and family.
That being said, a lot of my friends don't understand why I don't have more free time.
I’m so guilty over the fact that I’m slow to respond to texts and my friend dates are
months in between.
I have put your NNT practice into effect,” very good job, “and my husband is super
supportive but my friends still don't seem to get that I’m trying to change the world
here.
How do I deal with the guilt that I can’t give enough to everyone?
As much as I’d like to think that maybe they just need projects of their own, this
can’t all be them.
Please help.
Kristen.”
Kristen, this is something so interesting and something I think many of us can relate
to.
I know I certainly can.
So what I found interesting was what you said at the end of your Q. You said, “As much
as I’d like to think that maybe they just need projects of their own, this can’t all
be them.”
So you know that something is a little off with how you’re seeing this and I think
you’re right.
The good news is we can help.
Warning: now, all four strategies today are what’s known as RCAs - really confusing
acronyms.
SO I want you to grab your favorite pen and your favorite notebook and get ready to take
some notes.
Strategy number one is the DBRC, otherwise known as the deathbed reality check.
So here at MarieTV we love Bronnie Ware’s bestseller, “The Top Five Regrets of the
Dying.”
Why do we love it?
Because we are all on the same train heading to the same destination.
So a little deathbed spoiler alert, thanks Bronnie.
But seriously, regret number four is I wish I’d spent more time with my friends.
She writes, “Often they would not truly realize the benefits of old friends until
their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down.
Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships
slip by over the years.
There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they
deserved.
Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
Bottom line, real friendships are really important in life, but you can’t maintain close friendships
with a ton of people, which brings me to strategy number two.
Strategy number two is you need to get an NGA, which means you institute a no guilt
agreement.
Here’s the thing, you can’t be all things to all people and real friends will never
make you feel guilty.
So I have this great group of girlfriends that I’ve known since college and we often
don't see each other for long stretches of time.
You know, I’ve even gone a few years without seeing these gals.
Everybody has a full life, there’s kids, there’s jobs, there’s family.
But here’s the thing: we don't make each other feel guilty for anything and when we
do get together we pick up exactly where we left off.
Now, in your case you need to set up a no guilt agreement with your friends, which simply
means no guilting each other, period.
And if someone can’t sign on to that, you really need to consider editing them out of
your friendship circle.
Strategy number three is TYF, which means train your friends.
So you want to set an example and respect their time the exact same way you want them
to respect yours.
So what I do is when I call a friend and they pick up I always start with, “Hey, is this
a good time to talk?”
If I call them and I’m leaving a message and it’s not really urgent that they call
me back, I let them know.
I say, “Hey, you know what?
This isn’t urgent.
If you’re too busy, call me whenever.
No worries.
It’s all good.”
Now, conversely, if I really need one of my friends and it is urgent, I let them know.
I’ll say something like, “Hey, can I just grab you for five minutes?
You know, no one’s hurt.
I’m ok.
But I really need to talk to you if you can make time.”
And my friends, of course, do the same thing if they call me and it’s really important,
I know it’s really important, so I know I should drop everything and talk to them
right then and there.
You also mentioned that you’re slow to respond to texts.
So you may wanna take texting just out of your group friend equation because it is a
medium that does set up expectations for real time responses.
I’ve been so bold as to tell my friends, “You know what?
Take me off this group text because it’s annoying and I’m trying to get things done.”
Now, my friends didn't get mad at me, they just stopped group texting me.
Strategy number four is NNFT: non-negotiable friend time.
So Kristen, I know you got your NNT down and that is awesome.
Keep it up.
But now you need to additionally sprinkle in a little non-negotiable friend time.
And I want you to take the lead.
Send your friends an email that says something like this:
“I miss you guys and I’d love to see you.
I know we’re all really busy, so let’s put a date in the calendar now to make sure
it really happens.
Here are some dates that work for me.”
Committing to a date in the future shows that you care about them plus it can emotionally
tide you and them over and it gives you something fun to look forward to.
So now let’s LTP, land this plane, with a tweetable.
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without
growing apart.”
That was my A to your Q Kristen, I hope it helps.
Now I would love to hear from you.
How important are friendships in your life and what’s one thing that you do to make
sure that you stay connected to the people that you love?
As always, the best discussions happen after the episode over at MarieForleo.com, so please
go there and leave a comment now.
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Thank you so much for watching and I’ll catch you next time on MarieTV.