- CAN WE SHOW THE PICTURE OF THE CAT THAT YOU HAVE?
WHICH IS ENORMOUS. - GO.
- I'VE NEVER SEEN A CAT AS BIG--
crowd: OH!
- HOW MUCH DOES THAT CAT WEIGH?
- 732 POUNDS. [laughter]
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF A WATER ANIMAL, DOESN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- BUT LOOK, HE'S SO EMBARRASSED, HE TURNED HIS HEAD.
- YUP. - HE WILL NOT LOOK.
- HE DOESN'T SEEM FAT. HE JUST SEEMS LARGE.
- WELL, THE GIRLS CALL HIM "GATO GORDO."
AND AS A RUSSIAN BLUE CAT, HE HAS A THING CALLED FAT SACKS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND CATS, BUT--
- I HAVE THOSE, YEAH.
- [laughs] DON'T WE ALL?
BUT I FOUND HIM ON A MOVIE SET
WHEN MY OLDER DAUGHTER WAS YOUNGER,
AND SHE BROUGHT HIM INTO THE TRAILER,
AND I SAID, "WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
ONCE YOU HAVE A CAT, IF YOU KNOW CATS,
ONCE YOU BRING THEM IN, YOU OWN THEM.
BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE STOLEN THE THING.
NOW AS THEY GET OLDER, I SAID, "YOU--THAT WAS A STRAY, RIGHT?"
AND SHE GOES, "IT... MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
OR IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON SOMEBODY'S PORCH."
- I GO, "OH!"
SO DON'T SHOW THIS TO TOO MANY PEOPLE.
- WELL, WE CAN'T SEE ITS FACE.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
- PEOPLE KNOW.
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THE CAT?
THERE'S-- - HEY!
JOEY!
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD JOEY?
- JOE IS ABOUT-- ABOUT 13 YEARS OLD.
- WOW. - HE'S OLD.
JOE'S OLD, AND HE'S-- - AH, THAT'S A GREAT CAT.
- BUT UP IN THE HILLS, THEY GOT COYOTES,
SO I CAN'T LET HIM OUT.
- HE'S BIGGER THAN A COYOTE, I GOT TO TELL YOU.
- BUT HE'S NOT REAL FAST. - WELL, NO.
- THE COYOTE CAN GET HIM. HE'S A BIG MEAL.
SO IN THE HOUSE I GOT NOW, I LET--
I LOVE CATS THAT, THEY TAKE A NAP--
HE GOES DOWN SO HEAVY.
LIKE, I WAKE HIM UP, AND EYE PARTS DON'T OPEN.
LIKE, "OH, GEE."
LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"
AND HE HAS TO TAKE A SHORT NAP AFTER THE LONG NAP,
'CAUSE IT WAS SUCH A-- IT WAS SO HARD ON HIM.
- YEAH.
- AND ONE TIME I LET HIM OUT AT THIS HOUSE.
I DIDN'T LET HIM OUT WHERE I USED TO LIVE,
'CAUSE THERE'S COYOTES.
THIS IS A HOUSE I'M RENTING, BECAUSE I MOVED THE MICROWAVE.
[panting] WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THE WHOLE STORY.
LIKE THIS. REMEMBER ALL THIS?
I REMEMBER ALL THAT.
AND I LET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE, 'CAUSE HE'S LIKE, SCRATCHING.
"I'M GONNA GET OUT THERE AND BRING YOU A BIRD.
I'M GONNA JUST DO WHAT CATS DO."
HE'S THIS BIG, MEAN CAT.
HE WALKS OUT. HE LOOKS AROUND.
HE GOES, "YEAH!
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH."
RIGHT BACK IN THE HOUSE.
- YOU'RE LUCKY, 'CAUSE ONCE THEY GO OUT,
THEY WANT TO GO OUT ALL THE TIME.
HEY, I LOVE HAVING YOU HERE.
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY, AND COME BACK ANY TIME.
- VEB--
HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
I JUST WAS-- - I'M SORRY?
- DO WELL THIS WEEKEND.
I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH YOU ON TV.
- THANK YOU, TIM. THANK YOU.
"LAST MAN STANDING." HE'S ON TV!
IT'S ON FRIDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 ON ABC.
[cheers and applause]