- The mental health implications
of domestic violence, are many.
- Yes.
- Once this victim is in therapy
and on their journey,
what can supporters do
to help them be successful?
- Encourage them.
- And how do I do that?
Do I just call her and go hey Tracy,
keep going,
like how do I do that?
- That's a great way.
- All right, call Tracy.
- That's one way.
I think that
acknowledging the road,
the hard road,
the courage that it has taken,
being able to recognize and support that person's agency
when they make choices and decisions,
when they pick something out
whether it's decorating a room in a place they've moved into
or deciding to take a class,
or deciding to say no to something.
They may not have really had much support
for their decisions,
and to be able to really support and recognize
and remember that part of them getting them
their power back,
is to be able to make choices and decisions
for themselves again
and to regain their power.
And if it's something that you're concerned about,
there's a way of being able to talk about something
in a non-controlling way
and have that kind of a dialog,
of hey, I understand you want to take this job
that's around the corner from where your abuser works,
what's your plan if you run into this person,
or what have, you know,
to be able to be able to respectfully kind of,
what have you thought about?
- Yeah, I want to point out what you did here,
and it's really good.
You, perhaps what you did not do,
what you did not do is say, what are you doing
taking a job one block away,
why would you do that?!
No, we're not accusing,
that's been her whole life.
- Right.
- Her whole life has been people yelling at her
for making a decision.
So asking the questions,
if someone said, what's the one thing,
interviewing all these doctors from MedCircle
that you could tell me that's simple,
that could change my life?
It's you need to realize
the power of compassion at questioning.
It is easy and it's effective.
To be able to sit down with somebody
and go,
so you got a new job,
where is it,
oh,
that's close,
and just doing what you said.
What is your plan if you run into him?
Not judgey.
- Respecting.
- Respect.
- Compassionate.
Everybody wants that.
- I want that,
(laughs) I want somebody to ask me some questions
with some compassion.
Of course we all want that.
- Sure.
- But, they need that.
These women need that.
What are the biggest mistakes that supporters make?
- Judging.
- Wanting because they feel powerless and overwhelmed
by what this person's been through,
sometimes that comes out in trying to take too much control.
- Yeah,
before I met you,
that's what I would've done.
- Yeah?
- Yep, before I met you, I would've said,
well you're moving in, you're never gonna talk to him,
and don't worry,
I would just be making decisions for other person.
- And you'd be having good intentions,
but that would be another controlling situation for them.
- Duh, it's so obvious when you say it,
but that would've been me six months ago, yeah.
- So look how much you learn.
- Look, I'm even learning.
Okay, so not controlling
and not judging them.
- Yeah, and not saying, why didn't you leave sooner,
or what did you do to provoke him.
I mean, there are really,
there are some unhelpful myths out there.
- Oh yeah.
Go watch our series on PTSD and sexual abuse,
we address a lot of those in that.
- Yes we do.
- What happens though,
'cause this would just as a supporter, drive me up the wall,
if I helped my friend get out of this abusive relationship,
and we're working on getting her employment,
we're being supportive,
practicing compassion at questioning,
everything is going great,
she's in therapy.
And then one day,
I get the call,
I'm gonna go back with Jim.
- We call that, doing more research.
- She's doing more research.
What happens if I go back,
maybe this time he'll be different.
She's gonna go do more research
and see if he's still the same guy.
- Well, what do I do as the supporter,
'cause I know the answer,
he's the same.
- You're right, you're right.
It's really, this is tough.
This is where the danger is for supporters
to just go, then I'm out, you're gonna do that,
don't come crying to me,
or something like that.
- That's what I want to do.
- Right, right.
That leaves her stranded.
- But am I enabling an addict?
- You don't have to throw them a back together party.
You don't have to,
you can say
that this is really making me feel scared for you,
I'm really worried about your safety.
Acknowledging that she has a right
to make a decision like that
and to say that I hope that you will let me know
if you are ready to make a change again.
- If she asks,
do you support me or do I have your support,
can I say no?
- Yes, of course,
but what maybe an even truer response is,
you and your well-being,
that has my support,
this relationship,
not so sure.
So, you want to support the person you care about,
but you may not be in support
of being in a dangerous relationship.
And it doesn't,
the danger in closing the door
on making her feel like she can't call you,
or you're gonna say, I told you so,
is that it contributes to the isolation
and empowers the abuser.