♪ Everything's fine 'cause there's merch in the store ♪
♪ Yeah, merch in the store ♪
♪ We're all stuck inside and we miss the outdoors ♪
♪ Wait, don't think about that ♪
♪ Stop thinking about that ♪
♪ Yeah, there's merch in the store ♪
♪ Comfy and cute and great in the shower ♪
♪ I mean, what, I miss human touch ♪
♪ Merch in the store, new merch in the store ♪
(snoring)
- Oh (beep), I'm late.
(upbeat music)
(panting)
- It's been like very...
Okay, look who decided to show up.
You're late for coffee.
- Sorry, dudes.
- What's up, man?
- Ah, there he is.
- Oh, my dad actually asked about you the other day.
Um, he wants to know if he can have his
ugly '70s button up back.
- Yeah, did you get that shirt from?
UglyShirtsForIdiots.com?
- Get that (beep) off your body.
Take it off, it's embarrassing.
- I miss you guys.
- I miss you too, dude.
- Now go take that shirt off.
- [Narrator] Every morning routine ever.
(birds chirping)
(yawns)
(cheerful music)
- Good morning, sunrise.
- [Frank] It's sunset, not sunrise!
Get your sleeping schedule together!
- Well, time is just an illusion, Frank.
And you are just my jealous neighbor.
Now, eat your dinner and let me sing to you.
Good morning, sunri-
See what you did, Frank.
You messed me up, you little old angry divorced man.
- [Frank] Sorry.
I miss my wife.
- Focus.
- [Narrator] Oh no, I accidentally hit snooze,
12 times.
(slow beat music)
(snoring)
Why are there so many songs with the words "wake up"?
(cheerful music)
(sighs)
- Start the day off right.
Dear Satan, please give me the power to vanquish my enemies.
Amen.
- [Narrator] Good morning, today's an average day.
(playful music)
(sighs)
(fun music)
- What?
Calories don't count before 11:00 a.m.
- [Narrator] Wake up, grab a brush,
and put a little makeup.
(upbeat music)
- Too hot, too hot!
Too cold, too cold.
Too cold, too cold, too cold.
Ah, perfect.
(screams)
- [Narrator] Every morning when I wake up,
I salute the sun for 30 minutes straight.
- Just kidding, I don't believe in Satan.
Dear Instagram, please make my followers like me enough
so I don't have to drown myself
in all the weird milks that I bought at Trader Joe's.
- [Narrator] Well, first I chase my coffee with an espresso,
then drink a cold beer through a straw made of coffee beans.
- Babe!
(mumbling)
- You want me to do what to our neighbor, Bill?
(mumbling)
You've been putting beer in my water?
Baby, you know I'm two years sober.
That's not okay.
(sighs)
- Did you pay the water bill?
- No, but I am flirting with Bill
and I'm drinking a beer.
Thank you so much for the suggestion.
- Babe, you don't need to do that.
- Oh, I am not about to lead Bill on.
Oh, no, no, no.
Dear Bill.
(romantic music)
I am writing
to flirt with you.
- [Narrator] A message to morning people
from the night owls.
Stop it, just stop.
- [Danny] Good morning, mid city commuters,
here is your traffic update for your morning commute.
- [Roommate] Occupied!
- [Danny] There's a small pile up
just outside the restroom.
A sig alert in the kitchen.
Expect delays as you try to find a clean spoon
to eat your cereal.
And even more delays as you realize
you didn't charge your laptop last night.
Expect about a five minute delay to your commute
as your computer completely reboots.
- Hey, Danny,
can you stop narrating everything I'm doing.
It's very annoying.
- I can't do that, I'm sorry.
I got laid off from the station this week
and this is the only thing keeping me sane.
Now, sit back and relax and enjoy some smooth jazz.
(imitating trumpet)
- Ooh, I actually like this.
Volume, 10.
(imitates trumpet louder)
(snoring)
- [Narrator] Mee mee mee mee mee mee mee.
(playful music)
Oh no.
Oh no, is that milk crust?
It's ruined a perfect both cereal.
Okay, it's fine, it's fine.
It's just dried milk, okay,
it's just, it's either going to
rehydrate back into the milk
or it's going to stay crunchy.
My cereal's crunchy, my milk can be crunchy,
that's okay, that's fine.
Yeah, it's good, it's fine.
(laughing nervously)
Oh god, it's so hard.
Nom nom nom, that's good.
(laughing)
It wasn't bad at all.
Hmm.
- [Narrator] I can't start my day
without having my shower, drinking my coffee,
doing my exercise.
Oh, my day is over.
- Just kidding, I deleted my Instagram.
Dear internet, please give me some news
that doesn't make me wanna stay in bed all day.
Just kidding, I'm not religious.
Can you hear me?
I said I might not be religious.
- [Narrator] You ever tried a coffee enema?
Wakes you right up?
- All right, setting my alarm.
And I'm going to make sure
that I can't hit the snooze in my sleep.
There, I can't possibly hit the snooze button
from over there.
(alarm beeping)
(groaning)
Curse my incredible archery skills.
- [Narrator] I have to wave to every neighbor
every morning in the exact same order.
And if not, someone's getting bit.
(pleasant music)
(sirens wailing) (guns shooting)
- The world's still on fire.
Everything's bad.
(peaceful lullaby)
- I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure what smooth jazz is.
So, here's a new genre of music I just made up.
It's called trumpet core.
(imitates trumpet)
- She microdosed me.
She'd been microdosing me.
That's illegal in most states,
probably not Virginia though.
(beep) Virginia.
- Dear people of the world,
please stop asking me how tall I am
and if I'm over six feet and if I play basketball.
I played center once and I shot at the wrong hoop,
during a game that my mom watched.
She didn't speak to me the entire way home.
- Dang, I make good cereal.
I mean, this milk crust, like, (beep)
I've been missing out on you.
Where you been?
(chuckles)
A liquid?
Yeah.
Wow, this is like, this is better than Christmas dinner.
This is better than Thanksgiving dinner.
Shoot, this is better than St. Patrick's Day dinner.
Damn.
People don't even know
you should eat dinner on St. Patrick's Day.
Am Irish?
No, I am not.
Do I still celebrate?
Yes, I do.
- Well, look at that.
You made it to the end of the video.
I just wanna pinch your little cheeks.
Well, because you made it all the way,
I'm gonna give you a little present,
that video right there.
Oh my gosh, you should click that right now.
And if you don't wanna click it
if you've already seen it, whatever.
Have you seen our new merch?
We got some cool stuff.
This isn't new, but I believe it's still in stock
if you wanna check it out.
Other than that, good night.