INFJ'S are sensitive souls who value intimacy in their closest relationships. They also
tend to be Empaths and Highly Sensitive People (HSP), easily influenced by the energies around
them. INFJs make up less than 3% of the population so it can be difficult for them growing up
in a world where no one seems to understand them.
When they are young INFJs need their parents to be seen, understood, and loved most of
all. Particularly in their relationships with their mothers as they tend to be the most
powerful force for social cohesion and integration in a family. As a result, the mother-INFJ
relationship can play a vital role in the healthy development of an INFJ.
INFJs raised by loving mothers generally mature into confident individuals who feel a sense
of safety and understanding in the world. This is not to say INFJs who don’t, can
never grow up feeling contentment, it's just to say there is a correlation.
INFJs raised with toxic and narcissistic parenting tend to be more stunted in their personal
growth. Of course, anyone can be damaged from being raised by a narcissist, however, given
an INFJs uniquely sensitive and empathetic nature, this can be especially devastating.
So let's explore with What Will Happen When an INFJ has a Narcissist Mother.
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INFJ will develop core feelings unlovability and unworthiness
Narcissistic mothers are not in touch with their true self; their own needs wants and
desires. This leads them to feel habitually unfulfilled, dissatisfied, and empty. This
self-loathing can be so hard to live with, they create a new reality, one in which they
are grandiose. They want constant praise and attention which is where the INFJ comes in.
A narcissistic mother will want the void of their vulnerabilities and low self-esteem
filled with others' need, praise, and adoration. The paradox is that they stop at no ends to
get it. They will suck the life out of an INFJ to fill that void and no matter how hard
an INFJ tries, it’ll never be good enough. It will never be about what is best for the
INFJs growth as an individual, as much as it will be about meeting her needs.
This causes an INFJ to feel completely worthless and inadequate, and this feeling commonly
extends throughout their life. INFJs raised in this way will have a lifelong need to please
others in order to feel valuable. They will never feel like they’re enough for anyone’s
love and acceptance because they never were for the mother that should have loved and
accepted them unconditionally.
INFJs intuition will feel like paranoia
Narcissistic mothers are master manipulators. They will seek to exert control over an INFJ.
Anytime an INFJ escapes their sphere of influence and it seems they may become uncontrollable,
the narcissist mother will reassert her control through manipulation. Narcissists have a sixth
sense for manipulable targets.
They will sense an INFJs strong ability to have insights about people and situations.
An INFJ has introverted intuition as their most dominant cognitive function. It is what
they use to process and navigate the world around them. They are also deeply empathetic.
They tend to have a sixth sense about people's emotions and moods. A narcissist mother will
sense an INFJs intuitive ability and will use it against them.
She will never state her needs and wants out loud but instead would react with anger and
withdrawal of her affection if they were not met. This will lead an INFJ to start using
their intuition to hyper-observe and plan for every eventuality, in their desire to
get and keep the narcissist's affection.
Their intuition will then start to feel like paranoia because it will be accompanied by
a feeling of anxiety and panic. An INFJ will see it as their responsibility to predict
what their narcissist mother wants and needs, and they will see their failure in not doing
that, as the reason for their mistreatment.
INFJ will become extremely guarded
Narcissistic mothers are very self-centered individuals. They only think about what's
best for them and what they can gain from any situation. They have an unwillingness
and inability to empathize with the needs and feelings of others, and so they are selfish
by nature. They tend to live a pseudo existence unencumbered by the principles of reciprocity.
Feeling entitled is second nature to them and the repercussions of entitlement leaves
them free from guilt.
Narcissistic mothers will rarely if ever, consider an INFJs personhood and interests.
Who an INFJ is, what they love, what their dreams are, what gets them excited in life
is of no concern to them. If an INFJ ever talked about these things with them, their
reaction would be either boredom or a dumbfounded look like "Um, WHY are you TELLING me this?".
Anything precious to an INFJ would be ignored or devalued. INFJs in turn quickly learn to
guard everything they hold dear with extreme tenacity, out of fear of being misunderstood,
ridiculed, or dismissed.
INFJs will suffer from self-consciousness and self-doubt
Narcissistic mothers tend to portray this belief that they are perfect. Most have even
convinced themselves that they are. However, if you were ever to venture deep enough, you
would see they are not. What they are presenting to the world, and to themselves
is an overcompensation.
a false bravado to cover up their deep-held beliefs of inferiority. This is why they have
to continuously enforce this idea of perfection, to fortify their own beliefs and to convince
others.
To an INFJ mother, it will always be about appearances rather than realities. What matters
to her is the impression the rest of the world has of her. She will view her offspring as
extensions of herself. Therefore it will never matter who an INFJ is as an individual, so
much as how the INFJ appears because that will reflect on her.
As a result, they will create unimaginably high expectations for the INFJ in order to
keep up this appearance of perfection. This means an INFJ can do 99 things perfectly,
without a mention and the one thing they do imperfectly is what they would criticize.
This need for perfection will extend to every facet of an INFJs existence, not just their
achievements but their behavior as well. For example, being openly happy will be discouraged
as it might come across as silly or foolish to others.
INFJs that grow up in this dynamic will experience humiliation and shame that can lead to very
poor self-esteem. Oftentimes, as adults, they will be high achievers, self-saboteurs, or
both. They will be overly self-conscious, always living or working towards other people's
expectations of who they should be, what they should have, and how they should behave.
INFJ is more likely to end up in an abusive relationship
Being raised by a narcissist can have a profoundly negative effect on the course of an INFJs
life. In general, it is a statistical fact that people who experience narcissistic abuse
early on either end up in similar relationships in adulthood or end up becoming abusive themselves.
It is therefore likely many narcissistic mothers were probably victims of their own conduct
at some point.
It what known in sociology as the cycle of abuse. INFJs who grow up this way are likely
to seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships. This might be because it’s
familiar, they think it's all they deserve, they want another chance to heal someone…
there are a multitude of reasons and far too many to fit into this one video.
In any event, growing up with a narcissistic mother will deprive an INFJ of the empathy
and authenticity that is essential to their development and it will undoubtedly leave
lasting marks.
For an INFJ who has experienced the things mentioned in this video, given the right support,
it is possible to heal and mature. There is acceptance, understanding, and recognition
that the parent failed to offer, out there for them. They may, however, always hold warped
ideas of relationships, depending on how bad the emotional trauma was. Some INFJs hurt
by this type of parent might only recover with professional help.