[typing]
I've had a soft spot for coin pusher machines ever since I started forming memories.
You often see them in arcades, carnivals, flea markets
and any place where people don't mind swindling their neighbor under the guise of lighthearted entertainment.
Whether or not you call them Coin Pushers, or Quarter Pushers, Coin Dozers, Token Pushers, Medal Games, Bob Vila, whatever else,
The premise remains the same:
Inside the machine you have an assortment of valuables, usually tokens, currency or small prizes.
You insert a coin of some kind into the top and it falls on top of the constantly moving dozer.
The dozer then pushes that coin into the others, resulting in a cascading effect that pushes out more coins than you invested.
Well, that's what COULD happen if you are insanely lucky, but these machines are cleverly rigged.
To make it feel like you have some kind of a chance they usually feature some sort of 'skill shot' switch that lets you stop the dozer
and a movable coin slot or chute, that allows for more precise coin drops.
But make no mistake: this is a ruse, meant to give you a sense of control.
Much like the knob on a pachinko machine.
Now, this may seem like gambling and in some American states it is.
But in other states you only earn tokens or tickets, which can be traded in for prizes or more gameplay.
And I love these things, even when I know I'll probably only get 25 cents back for every $5 I spend.
The combination of shiny coins, the mirrors, the lights, the illusion of control over your own luck.
It's an intoxicating combo, especially for a kid who just wants enough tickets to buy a plastic spider ring from the store at Putt-Putt.
I've even designed my own coin pusher machines in my spare time, because hey, I dream big.
But what if you want to play one at home without spending a fortune?
Well short of buying a machine outright that COSTS a fortune, you're stuck dealing with crappy Flash games for the most part.
In short, you're out of luck.
Or are you?
Folks, say hello to the cesspit of cheap cash-ins: the Google Play Store for Android.
Considering the near complete lack of them on PC, I'm astonished how many coin pusher games there are here.
And so here's what I'm gonna do:
I'm picking five of the most promising coin pushers on the Google Play Store to see if any of them satiate my desires for an accurate simulation of getting swindled by rigged physics.
First up is the aptly titled "Coin Dozer - Free Prizes", by Game Circus LLC.
You're given 40 coins to start out with and you can drop six of them in a short span of time, to try and push as many coins over the edge as possible.
The graphics are... okay, and the physics are decent.
And it has some extra activities like levelling up and coin attacks for higher payouts.
But this one is one of those with large pits to either side of the playfield, which are EXACTLY the kind of machines I can't stand.
Also, after you spend your initial allotment of coins and haven't earned any more then you have to either wait for a timer to count down and gain a few measly coins,
buy some more through real money microtransactions, or perform a shady looking online "activity".
On top of that, ads pop up at random, which means that you'll probably tap on them by accident while dropping coins.
It's also extremely generous with all the gifts, bonuses and payouts once you gain some momentum,
turning it into a mindless tap-fest of stupidity!
Yeah, no thanks!
Next up, we've got The Real Coin Pusher by Bigshot Games.
And judging by the description, it looks like the "real-est" thing around!
[reads text]
Ah, yes, I just love them acade coin dogers!
Real Coin Pusher has you really dropping in as many coins as you want from the very top of the machine,
which is a nice touch!
It also has this slot machine in the background with an unexplainable space theme.
It'll start to spin after you spend a certain number of coins,
making for a passive way to earn even more.
However, I feel the coins are a bit too large, and the playfield a bit too small
which is something I also disliked in Coin-Dozer, now that I think about it
but at least here you aren't bombarded with intrusive ads and microtransactions.
Instead, you're given the option to, uh, "wach" a short advertisement.
After that, you get a bunch more coins to continue playing.
But it's still far too generous in its payouts to be any real challenge
and, as you might be able to tell from this footage, the performance is abysmal
once a lot of coins are on-screen at once,
which is a lot of the time.
Our third game is "Ultimate Sparkling Coins, exclamation mark" by COLOPbplbL, Inc.
And man I can't decide if this machine is delightfully tacky or unbelievably hideous.
So with this one, you just tap anywhere to drop in coins and, man are these nice-looking coins!
Definitely the shiniest and most aesthetically pleasing so far.
There's also another slot machine in the background, too, as well as a roulette wheel,
and in order to play you have to drop things into the receiver at the bottom.
And even though there are dropoffs and pitfalls to the side, it doesn't matter because
this is the most ridiculously generous coin pusher I've ever played.
You get so many freakin' coins and other prizes thrown at you at once that I could literally tap the screen non-stop for as long as I choose.
It's absurd, there's zero skill involved and zero luck involved; it's just luck all the time.
So if you love a manipulative Skinner box that pushes your dopamine levels
to places that it no longer has any effect, then here you go!
If you're me, then it's time to move on.
Game #4 is "Coin Pusher Gold", or CPG, by TapGames.
This time you have a really tiny area to tap,
which drops what appears to be gold-plated quarters.
The physics feel slow and floaty, almost like you're playing on the moon,
but, hey, at least you don't have those annoying dropoff points on the sides.
Instead, you have a very traditional machine layout, complete with walls that angle outward
making it deceptively difficult to push the coins on the far left and right.
However, this is also one of those that is generous to the point of being ridiculous,
turning it into an effortless screen tapper once you gain just a little momentum.
I'm talking crazy amounts of prizes, level-ups,
and even mini-games to play in an arcade,
all of which reward you with such an abundance of coins that you'll rarely if ever go bankrupt.
It's also another one of those that gives you the option of watching ads if you want to unlock more stuff,
which, again, I prefer to overpriced microtransactions everywhere.
It's not a bad little game, and is probably the best of the bunch so far,
but it's still so easy and detached from the real thing that I can't help but lose interest before long.
The final game we'll be looking at is
"CASH DOZER USD!!"
by PointZero company.
There's actually a variety of versions of this game for each major world currency
but with this one you get pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and, oddly enough,
Kennedy half-dollars and McKinley dollar coins.
You can drop them anywhere you like, and the coins themselves are enjoyably shiny and recognizable,
but, dang it, this is yet another machine with such a tiny playfield and large side dropoff pits
that I just can't get into it.
You see, when machines have these dropoffs in real life,
the coins are suitably small and the playfield is suitably large enough to make it not as big of a deal
when stuff falls in the side, but judging by the scale of these coins here,
it looks like we're playing on a machine the size of a small toaster.
It is realistically stingy with its payouts and it has some unique features
like score multipliers, coin showers, and keys to unlock a vault of goodies
but, naturally, being harder to earn things means they went with a microtransaction system to gain more coins
on top of the ads you already have to sit through.
So, yeah, that's all I care to look at, because this is disappointing.
Is there not one coin pusher game that simulates the real thing to any degree of accuracy?
Not only are physics, dimensions, and machine layouts all over the place with these,
but the payouts are often so high, it ruins the risk-vs-reward appeal of these machines.
And, dude, I didn't see a single skill-shot button,
which is a pretty important part of these machines if you ask me, or at least one of my favorites.
The most you could do is stop the dozer for a moment by earning a powerup in some of them, but that's silly.
I've looked at probably a dozen or more of these games, too, on Google Play,
and not one of them satisfies my requirements for what I would call a realistic coin dozer.
Coin Pusher Gold was okay, and it's not bad to play in little quick bursts
when you've got absolutely nothing else to do and you've got a phone on you,
but I still can't recommend it as an alternative to the real thing.
I know these are mobile games, and by and large they suck, but
they don't have to, you know?
And sure, some of the limitations probably stem from lacking hardware capabilities,
but as powerful as these tablets and phones are nowadays it should be easier than ever
to make one that's a little more realistic in terms of coin density and physical complexity.
Oh well, at least the real things are still out there, somewhere, in shady corners around the world,
and I'm much happier having THEM steal my money because at least they do it in a way
that somehow seems less awful than installing an app that needs access to my contacts
and a credit card to play.
And if you enjoyed this video, then, well, great,
because I think horrible mobile games are actually pretty amusing sometimes,
so maybe I'll be covering some more in the future.
Well, let me know in the comments.
And if you liked what you saw, then
more is coming every Monday and Friday here on LGR,
as well as things on Twitter and Facebook, so
do that too if you'd like.
Also Patreon, if money.
And there's not going to be a video October 19th
That's, 2015, that's a Monday; normally there's a video going up on Monday.
There's going to be one the 21st, but it's going to be worth the wait I think, I hope,
because something really heavy—Great Scott!—probably guess what it's going to be, but yeah
Stay tuned for that
and, as always, thank you for watching!