So we cut back to Sean Bean, who also happens to be the most bad-ass sandwich maker in history,
and even though Luke Goss is like "I won't confess, no matter what!",
Sean Bean just assumes that eventually he will, so he's like "Ah, let's kill him!"
- [clip] Have him taken out. - [YMS] Is this all you do with your time?
He gets in the prison, and they're all like "Death Match! Blah! Fight to the death!"
This is what is supposed to be what turns into Death Race.
[clip] The most dangerous fighter is Big Bill, with a death count of 19, followed by 14K,
- who, coincidentally, has 14 kills. - Great.
[YMS] Err... didn't you say something completely different in the other movie which is set in the future from this movie.
[clip] 14K: First generation Chinese-American, tenth generation Triad. And his father sent him to business school.
He's the only man in here who holds a degree from MIT.
- He's killed four men off the track. - That we know of.
Another seven on it.
[YMS] God!
Four men off the track, other seven on it.
The track wasn't made until after this movie takes place, so I guess the 14 kills...were...
Maybe he just...uh...tried to say 'four', and he said 'fourteen', and...but...then his name wouldn't be 14K.
He has more kills in the prequel than he does in the first one.
You didn't even have to acknowledge how many kills he had, but I'm sure this is how the conversation went:
"Hey, why don't we just make him have 14 kills, cuz his name's 14K. Wouldn't that be funny? Ha, ha, ha."
He's the only one here with a degree from MIT though, he might have just built a time machine.
What did I say about being consistent? Your lack of logic has distracted me from these hilarious extras!
But wait a minute. Why is the nerdy dude from the first movie explaining all of this like he's a wealth of wisdom?
He was on the same fucking bus! Did he get released, and then just murder someone the second he got outta jail or what?
Maybe he was a really big fan of the show?
Anyway, they start the Death Match, and it's just as poorly directed as any other fight scene in the movie.
- Lots of unnecessary dubs. - [clip] Chinese bastard!
[YMS] Look, at, those, extras!
Anyway, 14K decides to make him forfeit instead of actually killing him, and this woman gets pissed.
"Oh, no, my market share!"
What the fuck? Seriously. Come on.
[clip] You are done. Done!
[YMS] Is that a good thing? Does that mean he doesn't have to fight to the death any more, or what are you saying?
It's at the end at this scene where we get our first glimpse of the female lead.
[clip] I loved being a part of this movie. It was shot in South Africa, and I got a chance to...really kick some serious butt.
High...action-packed fun, I mean, what girl wouldn't want to play against Danny Trejo, Sean Bean,
Luke Goss, who's sitting next to me right now, and Ving Rhame.
[YMS] Yeah, you got hired for your acting(!)
We get back to Ving Rhamesss, and you start realizing that his character is pointless.
[clip] I really don't know his vision for the film, because, if, if you really notice,
like, I'm not really around the [unclear] guys with cars and fights,
and I, I really missed all of that, so that's why, you know, I'm curious to see it.
[YMS] He only reinstates what's already been blatantly shoved in your face.
Maybe they just wanted to throw in some more women hate.
[clip] Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure. Now you make my motherfucking money, you understand me?
[YMS] She's gotta have someone higher up telling her what to do.
So now he gets assigned to take apart cars, and make other things out of them.
He decides to take it for a spin, even though there are guards with rifles.
Don't forget the slow motion, it's very important. Ah, that made the scene so much better.
This scene's not worth mentioning, cuz it just states everything that we already know.
But look at those chains; did they forget to bring handcuffs?
He's just holding them, it doesn't look he's being restrained. What the hell?
Epic laugh coming up soon.
[clip] The Calendar's always looking for new blood, and you look like just her type. Ha ha.
Ha ha ha! What a story, Mark.
[YMS] This guy really wants to shank him, but Carl Lucas can defend himself.
- [weedily] "Uh! Ah, uh! Uh! Ah! Hu-yah! Bam! Wichah!" - [clip] Pah!
[YMS] You're so scrawny!
I'm not saying the guy's unhealthy or anything, but when you set up a fight scene between these two,
then you'd better have some sick martial arts if you're gonna take down a guy twice your size.
At least Christian Bale put on a shit ton of weight before Batman.
Maybe if the choreography was better, then it wouldn't be an issue.
[clip] - What's going on here? - Big guy tripped.
- That so, Bill? - Yeah, l tripped.
That's what he says.
[YMS] And why aren't any of the other guards saying anything?
We then cut to a bunch of naked man in the shower.
Everyone leaves, so Luke Goss thinks he's gonna get raped, but no, it's just that bitch.
She tries to seduce him, while trying to get him to join Death Match.
Cuz she's under the impression that her ratings will go up, just because he in it. Just...
I don't know why. Some bullshit.
We see two and a half minutes of this naked glistening pretty boy, while this woman tried to get him aroused.
She is completely clothed.
You realize this isn't a target audience for Twilight, right?
Oh, I see what's happening here, Roel. You really wanted Luke Goss to play this character, didn't you?
[clip] I always wanted to work with Luke Goss. Years ago, we tried this movie, but it didn't happen.
I think he's perfect for this part.
He has the perfect age, he has the drama, he has the seriousness, he knows how to dive into make-up and prosthetics and perform.
[Danny Trejo] You know he's got that thin, well-built Hollywood body I was on about. Beat him up too.
[YMS] Naked men, clothed women, men making sandwiches for women.
This movie's more unintentionally gay than Nightmare on Elm Street 2.
[clip] - Eh! The fuck you doing in my room? - I need you to let me stay here tonight.
Are you out of your mind?
- Something is trying to get inside my body. - And you want to sleep with me?
♪ (sad music) ♪
OK? ♪ (sad music) ♪
♪ (sad music) ♪
All right, man, what do you want me to do? ♪ (sad music) ♪
♪ (sad music) ♪
[YMS] Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.
But I'm also not really the target audience for this film.
I'm pretty sure most guys just wanna see hot chicks. Naked.
I mean, for Christ's sake, she's trying to seduce him. You can't just give up that easily.
She doesn't try to take off her clothes or anything, she just leaves.
I think it's pretty obvious where your mind is, Roel.
[clip] - Not that there's anything wrong with that. - Not at all.
[YMS] They start the next death match, and wouldn't you know it, it's Big Bill.
No-one watching at home seems to notice that even though it's randomly selected, it's always the person with the most kills.
And they say earlier that it selected by a draw, but it looks like they just selected by searchlight.
Maybe you should just hide in the back if you don't wanna get picked.
"Oh no! She's gonna kill my friend because I said I wouldn't fight, I'm gonna fight now."
"Fuck you, barbed wire, it ain't no thang."
[clip] Motherfucker's crazy! But cool!
[YMS] "Hey, Tanit. I'm not sure how much that helped, but thanks."
He then gets the flame thrower, and it behaves like every other flame thrower in the way that it doesn't behave like a flame thrower at all.
[clip] Let me show you how a man uses a flame thrower.
[YMS] "Oh no, my pants are on fire! I'm gonna stand on this thing and hope it does something."
"Oh, how did I know it was gonna do that?"
And what the fuck? It came from the sides and there was nothing beside him, so I don't know where the hell this fire retardant came from.
We learn from the hilarious dubbing that everyone's racist.
[clip] - Yo, the white boy's cheating! - Fucking cracker's cheating! - Fuck you, you nigger!
[YMS] And for some reason, they already have the whites and the blacks sectioned off from each other, so I don't really understand that.
"Oh, I was supposed to push it!"
"My market share!"
I'm sorry, I really don't get the percentage. Three quarters of the world watches this garbage?
What's 100 percent market share?
Everybody starts rioting, they go into the ring, and somehow they don't affect the main characters' fight.
And then the Warden's like, "Shut it down, this is my prison. Turn it off."
We cut back to Sean Bonn, I mean, Seen Bean's place,
he gets interrupted from the usual lounging to notice that "Oh my God! Carl Lucas is still alive!"
But wait a minute. If he stopped the broadcast, then how can he see it in his fucking kitchen?
Oh, I guess, even though the scene transitioned in real-time, they just added that thing that says 'earlier'.
[sighs]
Anyway, Carl Lucas is getting stitches.
Come on, look at that pose!
That cloth placement is showing as much skin as possible without it actually being nudity.
[clip] It's an amazing, fast, action-packed, sexy film.
It's sexy if you're in it. Otherwise it's a lot of dudes, you know, oily, sweaty dudes fighting each other trying to...
- That's pretty hot! - ...you know, beat the hell out of each other. Yeah, for you!
[YMS] "Oh wow! Thanks for saving me, this relationship's not forced at all!"
[clip] When I read the screenplay, the first thing that made me wanna make the movie was that the writing was great as [unclear]
The relationships in this story, I think, are a bit more involved.
[YMS] You're so right about that. Anyway, Sean Bune gets pissed and kills a guy in slow motion.
Then he offers a million dollars for anyone to kill Carl Lucas.
What a dick!
[clip] What seemed to be a very simple task has taken the most perplexing of turns.
[YMS] Well, that sounds like an analogy for the production of this movie.
These guys invent Death Race and none of this is important at all.
The prisoners discuss this new Death Race they hear of.
[clip] [chuckles] Fucking faggot!
[YMS] "Yeah, calling people faggot, that makes us cooler by comparison."
[clip] And what would you do, Lists, if you got out?
Start over.
[YMS] That's so inspiring and thought-provoking...
It's day one of the Death Race, and they say there are only nine cars, so you have to fight each other to get one.
Or just parkour your way there.
- More stupid dubs. - [clip] This is what I love in life [?]
[YMS] It just so happens that these two wind up in the same car.
He plugs in his earpiece to talk to his pit crew,
and it just so happens that his pit team is the same people that he was friends with before!
The radio was already hooked up, doesn't really make any sense, but OK.
They give each character a little intro, except for the navigators, cuz they're women,
and I'm thinking, "When did you have time to film this? How did you know which cars they would be in?"
Not only that, but aren't these convicted criminals?
Yeah, just stand on your truck, that looks great!
Not only are some of these kinda racist, but some of them are just weird.
- [announcer] Calin - [YMS] That's intimidating. It sounds like 'Caitlin'.
- What the hell, 'Xander'? - [clip] Grapes are fun!
[YMS] Why is Carl Lucas the only one with a real name?
- Anyway, this one's my favorite. - [clip] Eat my lead, boy! Eat my lead!
[announcer] Hillbilly
And then within 30 seconds of his intro, this happens:
[screams]
God! Oh, God, no!
Yeah!
[YMS] Apache goes after Sheik and slits his throat while he's still driving.
And this woman screws everything up.
All she had to do was not crash. The woman in the car beside her had no trouble driving in the passenger seat.
Ving Rhames puts Luke Goss and this bitch in a room together because he won the race.
Now they have a sex scene!
But, oh my god, the entire scene is focused on him; she's entirely covered by his body.
- Fuck this music! This movie is gay for me and I suck cocks. - [clip] Not that there's anything wrong with that!
[YMS] So it's the last race of the movie, wouldn't you know it, they even put slow-mo on live TV.
Canada? Alberta? What?
Anyway, Carl Lucas saves 14K, but then...
[Pokémon evolution music]
Big Bill starts firing missiles at him, so he ejects this girl from the seat.
This has to be the slowest missile in the world.
How did you get in front of him?
[slowly] Oh no!
Really? This music? Again?
[clip] -Yeah! Shit! -Yeah!
[YMS] Whoops!
[clip] - You just killed your own pit crew. - Bitch, you shut the fuck up.
[YMS] It's like you were aiming for her throat, and missed with your thumb, and then just kept going.
"Why would we wanna shoot it twice?"
Why is he so happy?
Yep, she stabbed him with a pencil.
[all] Ohhh!
[YMS] Oh no! Carl Lucas is dying in slo-mo!
[weird scream]
That scream was retarded.
They try to make another connection to the first movie. Oh, I get it, she didn't want to do a straight-to-DVD.
[clip] l think if l weren't around, she'd tell people that Death Race was her idea and she would convince them that it was.
[YMS] Why would you hire someone that would do that?
Oh, so in the first movie when she says she actually invented it, that's just a lie.
In other words: Uh! Didn't show it! Time to make a prequel!
They decided that even though he was badly burned, he should race anyway.
Basically, it's like the ending of Crank 2, except not self-aware.
Except now he's Frankenstein. Suddenly that character just got a lot less cool.
[clip] You expecting another pretty boy?
[YMS] Sean Bean's lounging outside again, and then a bunch of people die, including him, and it's not really important why.
What's important is that you make sure it's in slow motion, even if nothing's happening.
The movie ends, and I can't help but notice how Frankenstein's mask doesn't fit his face.
His eyeholes are too close together, so it looks like he's constantly looking away from his nose.
Yeah, this is how you should end the movie.
So in the end, I learned nothing. NOTHING!
Except maybe that incompetent directing can make a hilarious movie.
[Danny Trejo] I like the way he shoots, he shoots like Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino.
[YMS] I gotta hand it to him though, this is one movie that does not slow down.
[clip] This movie doesn't slow down, and that's.... I, I, I, I like to come out of the theatre, like, tired.
[YMS] Oh, well then it worked out perfectly!
I'm sure a lot of people came out of that movie tired...
It's too bad we'll never see another movie quite like it.
[record scratch] Oh, fuck!
Subtitles by JorWat