- Time to begin our quest, Baby Mario.
- Freeze dirt bag, step away from that missing toddler.
- He fell out of the sky from a bird.
- You were gonna eat that baby,
weren't you - you goddamn molestasaurus rex?
(tense music)
- Awesome, now I can morph into a ball!
(ball crashes)
All of my bones are broken.
(motivating music)
- Nice pink sweatsuit, Mister Fairy-pants.
Did your boyfriend make it for you?
- (belly laughing) Oh yeah, yeah,
we'll show you to choose effeminate clothing colors.
- Oh crap, that's right, it's New York City in the 1980s.
Book it, Doc.
(retro gaming music)
- Run now, innocent forest critter. You're free!
- Free?!
That was an awesome robot suit
Robotnik gave me that made me super strong.
I hate you!
- What you mean, me on no fly list?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Blanka, but I can't let ya...
- Me need to fly to China
to beat up young girl in marketplace.
- (laughing) All right, calm down, buddy.
Let's go.
(beeping)
- Ope! (muttering)
I've still got the claw on!
Still got the claw on.
My bad, guys, my bad.
(video game noise)
- Caught this guy trying to cross the border
into World 3-1 without a work visa or passport.
What's your name again, sir?
- Mario, Mario.
- Eh, sounds ethnic. We're gonna pass to immigration.
- Wait, he was eating those?
They're made of lead.
I just used gold plating to make 'em look nice.
- Sonic?
Oh God!
- Did you honestly think I could afford
infinite pure gold rings?
That's dumb!
You two are dumb!
Heh.
Neat!
Guess I win!
- (tragic wailing)
- Oh, uh, sorry, man.
I tried to get him fixed,
but he flame-blasted the vet.
It's probably going to be a minute.
(painful screaming)
- [Announcer] Fight!
- Oh, God!
Did you just poop?
In the middle of this death tournament?
- Oh, come on.
I'm half horse.
It's gonna happen.
- [Commentator 1] Hey, Motaro, need a diaper change?
- [Commentator 2] (both laughing) Ha ha ha!
Horse-man shat himself!
- Oh, ha ha. That's real manure, guys.
I mean, that's real mature!
(video game noise)
(whistle playing)
(tornado wind sounds)
(thumping and painful screaming)
- Oh, God!
- A-Mario, are you okay?
Why did you think catching a ride with a tornado
wouldn't kill you?
Oh, someone call 911!
(suspenseful music)
Huh.
Maybe a mute child,
who has never seen battle of any kind,
isn't the best candidate to go on a giant adventure.
Anyway, I'm gonna go lay eggs in his brain.
(bouncy video game music)
- Ms. Peach, was it?
Heard your last doctor told you to
shove as many pills into you as possible
to get rid of the viruses.
That's incredibly dangerous and unethical.
One pill every eight hours and that's it.
- Hey, guys!
Ready for our next big adventure to...
Oh, Jesus Christ!
No!
- What?
(chewing)
I'm a hedgehog.
Hedgehogs are known to eat their young...
Sometimes...
It's not weird!
The only one who's weird is you for judging me!
- Could you guys keep it down?
Trying to lay an egg over here.
You know, echidnas are one of the
last mammal species that lay eggs.
We're called monotremes.
(straining noises)
- You guys are disgusting.
Now excuse me while I
spray musky urine over here to mark my territory.
Like a normal person!
(video game sound)
- Where are the bombs?
- I don't know what you're talking about, man!
- Full anal cavity search, ASAP!
- Hey, this guy's anal cavity...
This thing is nuts.
Get over here.
Look at this.
- Oh, God.
Why aren't these feral wild animals
politely lining up for individual battles?
(screaming)
- Sounds like Mario defeated the Koopaling
and is returning to the castle with the wand now!
(screaming)
(crash)
Hey!
Where's the wand!?
(stabbing sound)
Found it!
(bones breaking)
- Dude!
I think I broke my hand!
Shit!
Ice is so much harder than not ice!
Someone Google WebMD!
- Ready for our double date?
- You know it Donkey.
Me and Dixie Kong are super excited!
- Oh, hey, I just realized!
I'm Diddy Kong.
He's Donkey Kong.
You're Dixie Kong and Candy Kong.
All Kongs!
Everybody's...last name is...
Oh, God!
Are we all related?
- Okay, on three.
Everyone say your grandfather's name.
One, two...
- (together) Cranky Kong.
- Okay, so, honestly a history of incest explains a lot.
(video game sound)
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- Come on, dammit!
♪ Ah ah ah ah stayin' alive stayin' alive ♪
♪ Ah ah... ♪
- Uh, aren't you supposed to revive him?
- What does it look like I'm doing, pig man!?
Help me break his sternum!
- Oh, look.
The angry son.
I'll just hop past him and...
(burning sounds)
- Dude!
I'm telling you!
I'm not going to fit into that thing!
- Shut up!
Just suck in your gut, man!
- Dude!
(screaming)
(squishing sound)
- Ah, there we go.
- Ha, got you Ro...
- (screaming) Ah!
Oh, God, help me!
I can't get the seatbelt off!
I can feel my skin melting into the seats!
Oh, god!
I'm gonna die!
Put me out!
Not like this, please, someone put me out!
(video game noise)
(cheerful music)
I'm a-flying.
I'm a-souring through the air.
I'm a...
Goh!
- Oh my god, my baby!
We're too high up!
He's gonna...
(squishing sound)
(tragic wailing)
- Uh, wow.
I'm, uh....
(screaming)
Yeesh.
- Hey, man.
Maybe you've eating enough pellets today?
You've had, like, 200.
- Uh, you're just sayin' that, 'cause you
know I'm gonna win.
(barfing sounds)
- Okay, we all agree that this
still counts as a win, right?
- Time to join the world of Pokemon
and become my region's champion.
- Uh, hey kid.
Off to become the champion, eh?
Well, with the level of competitiveness always rising
it's basically impossible to break into the sport.
But, good luck!
I'm sure a random kid from nowhere-town
will do great against seasoned adult veterans.
- Were...were you just in my mom's room?
- Hello?
Sonic?
Tails?
Anyone?
(phone ringing)
Hey Sonic, we took over Green Hill Zone.
You coming?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah, well that makes sense.
Alright.
Okay, bye.
He's, uh, he's not coming.
- Wait, then who's gonna say, "Huh, neat".
- We did it too many times, and now it's
not special anymore.
Which one are we talkin'?
Invading Green Hill Zone or saying "Huh, neat"?
- Both, dude, both.
- Whoa, whoa!
What the hell is going on at this construction site?
- Oh, shit, it's OSHA.
- I see hazard materials on fire,
these beams are not level,
and that giant nude ape throwing barrels at that Italian
is not wearing safety goggles.
I'm shutting this site down.
- I a-told you to wear the goggles.
- Time to become a Pokemon trainer.
(doorbell chime)
- Who's there?
- It's me, Red.
I'd like to have one of your three
extremely rare Pokemon, please.
- (laughs) No, I'm not giving away my rare Pokemon
to some snot-nosed twerp kid.
- Oh, well I guess I'll just have to go into the
tall grass by myself.
- Good luck!
(roaring sound)
(horn blaring)
- Come on, move!
(dialing)
Ya, Mario. It's a-me.
It's your brother Luigi.
It's a...
I'm sorry I'm gonna be late.
(constructions noises)
Oh, oh, it's my fault they're doing construction
on the 616.
Oh, okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Okay, keep yelling!
Anyways, I'm a-gonna miss Baby Mario's bris.
Which, by the way, I'm still very confused about.
I mean, is he a you as a baby,
or, like, is it like a time travel thing,
or is it a-your baby?
I mean, is it your circumcision?
I'm very confused.
What do you mean I am the mohel?
- Yeah, let's just land there, Tails.
- You got it, Sonic.
(gunshot sound)
- Oh, god, no!
(beverage slurping noises)
- Hah, neat!
(video game sound)
(quacking sound)
(retro upbeat video game music)