Oh hey everybody. My glasses are on and my hair is up which can only mean that I ran
out of contact solution and conditioner in the same week.
This week's Ask Cristen is sort of a follow-up on last week's Ask Cristen video about taking
a friendship vacation which understandably some of you thought was going to be about
like taking a beach trip with your best friend rather than taking a figurative vacation from
your friendship. TheTeaTabi asks, 'What about vacation in romantic relationships, or a "break"?
Do you think they're healthy for getting a relationship back on track or is it a sign
a break up is necessary? And what rules should you establish to make sure that his break
is a break and doesn't result in a breakup?' Caveat that it's going to depend on the relationship
and the circumstances of taking a break. Let's tackle the big question first of do you think
they're healthy for getting a relationship back on track or is it a sign that a breakup
is necessary? I think it depends on a lot of relationship factors in terms of how long
you've been together, are you long distance or not, how old are, what are your life circumstances?
I feel like if you're in more of a low-investment kind of dating relationship, if you're already
taking a break then yeah, it's probably just a side road toward breakup-ville. And I think
you also have to consider the reasons why someone might want to go on a break. If it's
pretty clear that they're just dissatisfied with the quality of the relationship or attraction
factors and again if you don't have all that much invested in it, why delay a breakup?
If it is a relationship that you've really invested a lot of time in and have future
plans together and maybe just things are happening and you need your perspective readjusted,
they can be beneficial. I was reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about trial separation
and marriages and how there's not much data on them to confirm this but anecdotally marital
therapists interviewed for the story said that about 50% of the time, the couples that
go through a trial separation kind of start dating again and fall back in love and rediscover
all of those things that got them together in the first place and it turns out that it
was really good for the relationship. But that's talking about you know couples that
have probably been married a significant amount of time. Unfortunately there's not a lot of
empirical data, I couldn't find a single study in fact on this phenomenon of taking a relationship
break and how it impacts couples in the longterm. But there are studies on dating cyclicality
which is a fancy professor term for on again off again relationships. Obviously a little
bit different than taking a relationship break but I have a feeling that those dynamics might
intersect at certain points. It's really common for us to do this. We are all Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton. Statistically, those relationships are rockier in the long term and more impulsive
in the long term for things like buying houses or even just moving in together, having kids,
than couples that get together and stay together and perhaps weather those times when they
would really like to breakup or take a break. When it comes to guidelines, they are imperative.
You need to have a time limit in mind and you need to have established ground rules
for the kind of communication that you're going to be in, is it nothing at all, is it
texting, is it calling every night. Are you going to be able to see other people if you
want to, sleep with other people, get married? No maybe not get married. If you expect your
relationship to rebound after a break then you will need to be maintaining that kind
of trust and communication at whatever level that might be as long as you're on the same
page, so that you're still nurturing that relationship. Now let's get specific TeaTabi.
Umm, oh this still on, I just like zoned out thinking that--[off screen] Babe? Yeah? [Choir
music]. Did you have a question for me? TheTeaTabi says, 'My boyfriend is going through some
things he wants to sort out by himself and feels he needs time without me to do so, but
still wants to be in a relationship with me once he has sorted these issues out. I'm open
to it, but I'm worried.' What would you tell her? If he's got his issues that he wants
to sort out, that's a little different than if you've been arguing non-stop. That's my
symbol for arguing non-stop. And you feel like you should take a break and you feel
like that would somehow make the heart grow fonder, it doesn't. But if somebody wants
to figure their own stuff out, yeah. Give it some time. Do you think that you should
set up an amount of time? Nah. Have a feel for it. I just gave advice to set a time limit.
I feel like she's kind of having to cater to him and sort of just wait while he hopefully
works these things out. But I guess that's what love is. If it's, if it's worth it. I
can't believe you're here. I actually came in to um, suggest we take a break. Well theTeaTabi,
good news from Professor Fiance and shout out to the commenter who always jokingly refers
to him as Professor Boyonce. Seems like yes there are absolutely contexts in which you
can take a break from a relationship and it can steer you back on track. But now dear
listeners I want to know from you, what do you think about taking a break in a relationship?
Have you had experience with this and has it worked out for you? Let me know in the
comments below and as always ask me any question you've got on your mind. Speaking of taking
a break from relationships, shout outs to comments from last week's Ask Cristen video
'Can you take a friendship vacation?' Kyle S. for instance wanted to know, 'I just got
this friend about a month ago and she's really fun in person but whenever she's not near
me she's always texting me, no matter what. She has trusted me with so much personal and
depressing things about her. I don't want to be her friend, but she's constantly trying
to be in my life. What do I do?' You need to setup boundaries. If you don't want to
be texted all the time than you need to let this person know that. It's not super fun
but take a little bit of responsibility and communicate to this person. And again everybody
be sure to ask me your questions below so I can give you some answers and Professor
Fiance cameos!