Mike, Eddie, and Boner have nothing to do
on a Friday night.
They're loitering in a pizza place
and the best thing these broke losers can come up with
is park outside a drive-through movie.
They bump into an old pal, Roland, who's in college now.
Roland's picking up a bunch of pizzas
for a party that has no parents,
a ton of babes, and a heated pool.
They offer to carry his pizzas,
then drop to their knees and beg to come to this party.
Roland brings them to a huge house,
with plenty of drinks, and food,
and women all over the place.
This shit is poppin' off.
Mike, Eddie, and Boner quickly realize they are
in way over their heads with these awesome, hot people,
and promise each other to keep cool.
Boner goes to the bathroom, and when a conga line comes out,
tells his friends rich people
must use the bathroom in groups.
This Cookie Monster sweater-wearing hottie
is throwing flirty eyes.
Mike steps up to take his shot,
and blows on her hair?
Jesus Christ, Mike.
He stammers through some weak game,
but she says he's cute
because she's nice and also high on drugs.
Rhonda asks Mike if he wants to go to the bathroom with her.
He says no, because he's dense,
and she apologizes because he probably thinks
she's just after his stash.
She says it's "her treat"
and pulls out a cute little cocaine keychain. Amazing.
She asks if Mike is cool.
Mike says yes,
but it's clear as day that shit's a lie.
Rhonda says it's their turn,
and Mike covers by saying he can't go to the bathroom
because he has to go to the bathroom.
Smooth.
Mike bumps into Lana and warns her,
"There's cocaine at this party!"
She says, "Yeah, I hope so!"
because it's Friday goddamn night in 1987.
Officer Seaver alerts his friends.
"Psst! Fellas! There's snow on these here mountains!"
And points to the funnest bathroom in a 50-mile radius.
He tells his friends they're not interested in coke.
And they kinda agree,
but say they are interested in girls like Lana.
Mike says Lana does Rick James nose aerobics,
and he thought she was cool.
Eddie tells Mike to slow down
because lots of cool people also use cocaine.
And when Mike says that stuff kills,
Eddie very accurately says it will not hurt them
to use it once with these college babes.
Mike can't believe what he's hearing,
because all it takes is one time doing blow
with hot girls at a party to ruin your life forever.
Booooooo!
Also a B-story about watching movies at home?
Who the fuck cares.
Back to the coke party!
This coke party rules. The coolest.
But it's wasted on these losers
who are posted in the corner
discussing whether or not they should do free drugs.
Boner suggests it's fine if they do coke
as long as they're home by 10:00,
which is a good plan on paper
but admittedly has a few holes in it.
Kristy goddamn Swanson comes down the stairs
laughing her coked out nipples off
because her parents would be so upset
if they found out about this party
because it's their coke.
Marriage material.
Mike's about to scold her
for being an angel sent from heaven,
when Eddie steps in to introduce himself and Boner.
The polite thing to do at parties, you dingus.
Rhonda suggests they all do drugs together! Jackpot.
And Lana runs over saying the hot tub is perfect,
and it will be even more perfect
after they get yacked out of their skulls.
The hot college girls with rhyming names
are beckoning these dorks to come do their bathroom drugs!
Dream scenario.
But Mike has his arms folded like a narc.
He says he's not in the mood.
They ask what gives.
Mike says he's never done coke.
They say they'll be gentle
because their hospitality knows no bounds.
But Mike pouts, "I don't want to do coke,"
and the party stops.
Nerd alert.
They laugh in his face
and say they're going to check on that hot tub.
Mike's ready to bail.
But when his friends want to stay,
because they're not morons,
Mike throws a hissy fit and storms out of there.
Destiny awaits for Eddie and Boner.
Mike comes home way past his curfew
and tells his dad the whole pathetic story.
He went to the best party ever
and he didn't do drugs,
and everyone now knows he's a loser.
His dad says the only person he has to please is himself,
which is especially accurate
because the only action Mike's gonna be getting
in the foreseeable future is of the five knuckle variety.
Mike's dad says Eddie and Boner called to say
they didn't go to the bathroom, and they don't want to
because his best friends had the decency to lie to him
about doing cocaine with hotties after he left.
And the show ends with a very weird straight to camera
wall breaking PSA from Kirk Cameron.
And if you didn't want to do drugs before this mess,
you certainly do after.
So what did we learn today?
If you beg someone to take you
and your lame friends to a party,
and it turns out to be the best party ever,
be cool.
And if a beautiful, older woman and her friend
offers you free drugs in a hot tub,
DO. THE FREE DRUGS. IN. THE HOT TUB.
Don't stand around all,
"Well, golly gee whiz fellas. This stuff is bad news."
Because there's a time and a place for this shit,
and it's Friday night at a house party in 1987.
And don't make your friends feel bad
when they decide to do the right thing.
And if you have the best time of your life
after your sulky friend leaves,
be courteous and call his dad in the middle of the night
to tell a coked out lie
so he feels better about being a dingus.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.