Alright, now when you're a kid in school,
there was nothing better, than going on a field trip.
And out of all the field trips that I had as a kid,
our local bowling alley was probably my favorite.
Now, why was it my favorite?
Because it was totally uneducational, that's why.
It's not the art museum, for Christ's sake, this is a dirty-ass bowling alley.
You're gonna eat nachos,
and then you're gonna bowl a sorry-ass 29 in 10 frames.
You're not gonna learn anything.
Now, when we would do field trips in my school,
we would be put into groups,
then parents would volunteer to chaperone our little asses.
And my group consisted of me,
this kid Brandon,
his dad as the chaperone,
and this other kid, Eric.
Now, nobody was a big fan of Eric.
For one, Eric was a dirty little bastard.
He was the kid that'd be picking his nose in class,
or he'd be digging in his ass crack at recess.
*THWACK!*
You know, that type of kid.
And for two, he was always putting shit in his mouth.
Because you know, he's a dirty little bastard.
"Hey you guys, look, I found this used band-aid on the ground!"
"Oh God, Eric, don't do it!"
*HHRMPH!*
"Oh, sick, God damn it, Eric!"
"You're gonna get Bacterial meningitis or some shit!"
"What the hell is the matter with you?!"
So needless to say,
taking Eric to a dirty-ass bowling alley probably wasn't the best idea.
But off we go into Brandon's dad's car.
And I have to say, Brandon's dad was not the best chaperone.
We're in the backseat with no seat belts on and shit.
His dad is telling us stories about shit
that you probably shouldn't be telling a bunch of nine-year-olds.
"You know, last time I was at this bowling alley,
I got my second DUI and I went to jail for six months."
"Of course I had a hooker in my car at the time,
so that sure as hell didn't help."
So we pull up to this bowling alley, that's smack dab in the hood,
there's like, crackheads on the sidewalk and shit.
"Hey, do you guys have any bourbon or barbiturates?"
"Nope, just these small children, you want one of them?"
"Ha-ha, I'm just kidding, seriously, don't tell your teacher I said that."
So there we are, a bunch of children at a dirty-ass bowling alley,
there is nothing but a bunch of old fat dudes there, smoking cigarettes.
"Uh, is this really a good place for a field trip?"
"Ha-ha, probably not, but your parents signed the permission slip, didn't they?"
Meanwhile Eric's over there, smelling his bowling shoes.
"Oh, these things smell like fucking Cheetos!"
(Lick the shoes)
"Oh, and they taste like them too!"
Now, I don't know if you've ever went bowling with a bunch of nine-year-olds before,
but it's absolute chaos to say the least.
You got kids hurling 14-pound bowling balls at the floor and shit.
"Oh yeah, can the little asshole on lane 6 stop hucking bowling balls
like it's a fucking shot put?"
"You're gonna break the goddamn bowling alley,
what the hell is the matter with you?"
We're putting fake names into the computer and shit.
"Whose turn is it?"
"Uh, well, let's take a look here..."
"Looks like it's... Hugh Janis."
"Hugh Janis? Is there a Hugh Janis here?"
"Oh yeah, lane 6, can you stop shouting about your giant asshole, please?"
"You're freaking out the whole goddamn bowling alley,
what the hell is the matter with you?!"
So after a couple of hours of haphazard bowling
and ingesting second-hand smoke, it was time to leave.
The only problem was, nobody knows where the hell Eric is.
"Uhm, where is little Eric at?"
"Who?"
"Eric, the other kid in your group."
"Oh, how the hell should I know?"
"Because you're responsible for him, what are you talking about?!"
"Oh yeah, that's right, shit!"
"Oh, I guess I dropped the ball there."
"Are you drinking a beer right now?"
"Well yeah, I'm at a bowling alley, what am I supposed to do?"
"Hey, that's probably when he went missing, was when I was getting this beer at the bar!"
So now my teacher's freaking out.
She's running all over the place, looking for Eric's dumb ass.
"Hey, crackheads, you didn't steal one of my kids, did you?!"
"Yeah, I'll take another beer over here."
"Oh yeah, you didn't have to see a kid, named Hugh Janis around here, did you?"
So after 20 minutes of scouring the bowling alley,
we finally found Eric in the game room.
And being the dirty little bastard that he is,
he's got something in his mouth.
What is it that's in his mouth? Well, I'll tell you!
*PFTHEF!*
(coins clinking)
A bunch of fucking quarters!
"Oh sick, he had a bunch of quarters in his mouth!"
"He's like a shitty piggy bank!"
The look on my teacher's face... She didn't even know what the hell to say.
"Eric, what the fuck?!"
"I was washing them with my mouth, so I could make them shiny and clean."
"Eric, you're gonna get bacterial meningitis or some shit!"
"Alright, that's enough bowling for one day!"
"Everybody, get out!"
And that was the end of our field trip.
So maybe I was wrong about the bowling alley,
maybe it was more educational than I thought.
After all, I learned a lot that day.
Things like DUIs and hookers are bad for you.
And that bowling shoes can taste like Cheetos.
And I learned a great way to make my loose change shiny and clean.
"Hey kid, you got any spare change I can have?"
*PFTHEF!*
"Ah sick, what the fuck?!"
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