WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW YORK.
UNLESS YOU'RE TRUMP ATTORNEY AND MAN WHO LOOKS HOW CIGARETTES
SMELL, MICHAEL COHEN.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, STORMY DANIELS LAWYER MICHAEL AVENATTI
STORMED THE INTERNET WITH WHAT APPEARED TO BE MICHAEL COHEN'S
BANK STATEMENTS AND SAID, COHEN WAS "SELLING ACCESS TO THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
MAN, IF ONLY ROBERT MUELLER COULD AFFORD THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) DARN IT!
THE BANK STATEMENTS BELONG TO THE COMPANY COHEN SET UP TO
SILENCE STORMY DANIELS: ESSENTIAL CONSULTANTS L.L.C.,
BECAUSE "PORNSTAR PAYOFFS, INCORPORATED" WAS TAKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE DETAILS, AS I'VE HEARD
THEM ARE, PRETTY DAMNING.
FOR INSTANCE, AFTER THE INAUGURATION, COHEN GOT $500,000
FROM A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH.
HALF A MIL.
OR AS DONALD TRUMP CALLS IT: "THREE AND A HALF PORN STARS!"
( LAUGHTER ) "THAT'S THREE EXAFL."
>> Jon: WOW, ONLY THREE AND A HALF.
>> Stephen: "SOMETIMES YOU ONLY WANT A HALF.
SOMETIMES YOU'RE NOT THAT HUNGRY, YOU WANT JUST HALF A
PORN STAR."
( LAUGHTER ) THE OLIGARCH IN QUESTION IS
PUTIN ALLY, AND LET'S SAY, INVENTOR OF THE BABY-SMASHING
MACHINE, VIKTOR VEKSELBERG.
VEKSELBERG IS AN OIL AND METAL MAGNATE WHO IS UNDER SANCTIONS
BY U.S. AND WHO "BOUGHT NINE FABERGE EASTER EGGS FOR $900
MILLION."
WOW.
THAT GUY REALLY LOVES EASTER.
NOW, THERE'S NO PROOF THAT HE ACTUALLY GOT ANY ACCESS TO
DONALD TRUMP.
UNLESS...
AH-HA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE'S IN THERE!
HE SNUCK IN!
SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER ALREADY INTERVIEWED VEKSELBERG
EARLIER THIS YEAR, THE MOMENT VEKSELBERG LANDED AT A NEW YORK
AREA AIRPORT.
"PLEEZ, TO BE LETTING ME GO.
I AM JUST HERE FOR AUNTIE ANNE'S.
THEY HAVE PRETZEL WITH THE HOT DOG INSIDE.
ONLY IN AMERICA."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A BIG PRETZEL.
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S A BIG ONE.
>> Stephen: AVENATTI ALSO CLAIMS THAT COHEN RECEIVED
PAYMENTS FROM AT&T TOTALING $200,000, WHILE THEIR MERGER
WITH TIME WARNER WAS PENDING BEFORE THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
NOW, THAT'S A HUGE ACCUSATION, AND YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING LIKE
THAT WITHOUT BACKING IT UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE AT&T ADMITTING
THEY DID IT.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, OKAY, THEY DID IT.
THEY DID IT.
THAT'S ON RECORD.
BUT THEY EXPLAINED THEY HAD A GOOD REASON.
"ESSENTIAL CONSULTING WAS ONE OF SEVERAL FIRMS WE ENGAGED IN
EARLY 2017 TO PROVIDE INSIGHTS INTO UNDERSTANDING THE NEW
ADMINISTRATION."
YOU PAID FOR INSIGHTS INTO THE ADMINISTRATION?
HE'S A HORNY OLD RACIST WHO LIKES CHEESEBURGERS MORE THAN
HIS CHILDREN.
$200,000, PLEASE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MONEY!
COHEN ALSO GOT A BOATLOAD OF DINNERO FROM GLOBAL
PHARMACEUTICAL GIANT NOVARTIS.
SIDE EFFECTS OF TAKING MONEY FROM NOVARTIS MAY INCLUDE
HEADACHE, NAUSEA, AND EXTENDED JAIL TIME.
THIS PAYMENT WAS ALSO CONFIRMED BY AN OFFICIAL FROM NOVARTIS WHO
SAID, "WITH A NEW ADMINISTRATION COMING IN, COHEN PROMISED
ACCESS."
SO THEY PAID $1.2 MILLION FOR ACCESS TO THE SAME
ADMINISTRATION THAT LET MICHAEL WOLFF JUST SIT AROUND WRITING
DOWN EVERYTHING HE SAW?
( LAUGHTER ) NO WONDER DRUGS COST SO MUCH.
AND THESE MONIES WERE PAID IN SMALL INCREMENTS.
IT WASN'T ONE BIG CHECK FOR $1.2 MILLION, OR ONE BIG CHECK FOR
400,000 OR 200,000.
THEY WERE LITTLE INCREMENTS SO AS NOT TO TRIGGER MANDATORY
FEDERAL DISCLOSURE.
THE PAYMENTS WERE-- WHAT'S THE WORD?
BITE-SIZE?
FUN-SIZE?
CRIME-SIZE!
THEY WERE CRIME-SIZED, JUST LITTLE BITLE OF MONEY AT A TIME.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER THE RADAR.
SO, IN THE WORDS OF ONE PERSON CLOSE TO THE MATTER, "HOW THE
(BLEEP) DID AVENATTI FIND OUT?" THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
WELL, GIVEN WHO HE'S REPRESENTING, I'M GOING TO SAY,
AVENATTI STARTED WITH "THE (BLEEP)" AND WORKED BACKWARDS.