- In my DMs, every day we get like dozens of (beep) pics.
But like, unsolicited, foreign, older gentlemen.
(laughter)
(notification sounds) (calm synth pad music)
- What is a misconception people have about online dating?
- So maybe that it sort of serves a narrow lane
of like, horny men.
- That everyone's being something that they're not.
Someone's pretending.
- I personally had a great experience with online dating.
I met a great guy.
- Not everyone does very well on dating apps.
Some of my stronger qualities are how I make you feel.
And that's not necessarily something that can come
through on a dating app.
- I feel like the online dating thing has really
skewed how young men, and women especially,
look at relationships.
- But I think
I'm open minded, so I would love to learn
just to see what kind of success that they had.
- I'm Anne Marie, and I'm a stay-at-home mom.
- My name is Percy.
I'm 24, and I'm an actor.
- Alright. I'm Eric.
I'm 21, and I'm a student.
And I have a little social media stuff.
- I'm Brittany, I'm 28.
I'm a holistic healer and a yoga instructor.
- I'm Philip.
I am 24.
And I'm a director at Jubilee.
- And I'm Kendra.
I'm 27, and I'm the casting producer at Jubilee.
- Can I get my online dating on the left
and traditional dating on the right?
(strike of a woodblock)
Dating apps are all about sex.
- Oh, I was a little hesitant to come up here
'cause again, I think it it depends for certain people.
But my generation,
a lot of people would just use it for hookups.
- I was hesitant to come up here too,
because I don't think it's all about sex, but I do think
it's mostly about sex. - Yeah.
- I think it is harder to meet someone who is
on there genuinely to like, find a connection
and get to know someone who doesn't want that.
Because for me personally,
I wanna wait to have sex until marriage,
and I had a friend tell me I was too wholesome.
And I was like, - Too- ohh.
- [Kendra] I was too wholesome
and that's why I wasn't getting any matches.
'Cause I wasn't like showing cleavage
and I wasn't posting like thirst trap pictures.
- I've been through it all.
To just Tinder, Bumble, Hinge.
Even Facebook has a thing now.
But a lot of times it's just, you know,
I'm going based off looks, and then, you know.
It's one of those things where I feel like
I'll meet my partner
in person. And-
- [Anne Marie] I have an idea for you, Percy.
Maybe I'll be a matchmaker. (Kendra laughs)
I'll start a business.
And I'll find like, really quality women for you
and really quality men.
- [Percy] Part two! (laughter)
- I had a time where I was on 14 different dating apps.
And everyone was like, "Well, Kendra,
why don't you like go on ChristianMingle?"
ChristianMingle is full of men
who just want nice Christian girls
and who aren't actually Christian.
- Yeah. - And it's just like (laughs)
- Okay, I'm opening my business.
(laughter)
(woodblock strike)
- [Eric] Going out on dates normally with guys,
I would have just as much pressure I would online.
- [Brittany] Oh yeah- - It's just,
from an online perspective,
that's not what I was looking for at the time.
But when I was looking for that at the time,
online is an easy way to find it.
- And this is just social media in general,
is that you can get away with doing-
- [Kendra] Oh yeah.
You know? You can be like,
"Hey babe, yo I wanna do this and this to you."
- [Eric] Yeah, I mean, - You know?
- In my DMs every day we get like,
dozens of (bleep) pics, but like...
- What? - Unsolicited!
Unsolicited, foreign, older gentlemen... (laughing)
- Yeah! - Yeah, but, I mean,
it's just like, that's the reality
of the world we're in today.
And like, there is a large hookup culture,
so of course it's gonna bleed into online dating.
But I don't think just because it's online
it's necessarily gonna lead to more hookup culture.
- Did you meet your boyfriend? On-
- I did, I met him on Tinder.
- [Anne Marie] You did? Okay. - Yes I did.
Yeah. We've been going out for like four years now.
He lives over in Philadelphia, and yeah.
- I've never actually like,
gone on a date outside of a dating app.
So
I don't know, based on the people I've met
I don't really feel like there's ever been
like an expectation that it's about sex.
For me, the only expectation going into a dating app
is that you'll like get along with the other person.
I mean, I have platonic friendships
from people who I've like met through apps like that
where just like didn't work out.
And like, I think that the reality is, for a lot of people,
part of being in a relationship with someone is like, sex.
So it's really just like,
a matter of like, thinking down the line.
- [Facilitator] Online, dating, perpetuates discrimination.
- The kind of discrimination that I'm thinking of is
good looks versus average looks.
I feel like it sets a standard that's not normal.
- Okay.
You said looks. - Yeah.
And I completely agree with that.
A lot of times when I'm on apps,
it's always based off looks first.
Like, I'm not even reading your bio or anything
and I'm just being honest.
As long as- if you look good, I'll swipe right,
and then if something comes along-
- But girls take pictures from up here.
That's not real-
That's not reality. - Okay. Can I say,
I'm taking this prompt from a racial standpoint.
There's a lot of racism in dating apps.
And that is just the fact.
The founder of OkCupid released a study back in 2014
where he made a graph and collected people's preferences.
And it showed that black women and Asian men
are the least preferred on dating apps.
I've had guys, when I was on dating apps
say the most disgusting, racist things to me.
Like, "Let's play dress up."
Like, "You're the slave and I'm the master."
Or like, "I've never dated black girl before."
Or like, "You're pretty, for a black girl."
Just microaggressions like that. And it's disgusting.
And it makes me
feel like I'm less. - How do you respond that?
- I don't respond.
I absolutely don't respond.
You don't deserve my attention
after saying something like that.
(woodblock strike)
- So I have the exact
opposite opinion
of Kendra's where I feel like
online dating has put me in front of people
that I wouldn't normally.
My fiance's Italian
and he's never dated a black girl before.
I love him.
He's the love of my life.
And I met him dating online and I don't think
that we would've met in real life with our paths crossing.
And I really apologize for that.
It's like, it's okay for people to not like me
in their head.
But once you go ahead and send me a message saying like,
"Let's do this," or you, like, calling me a name
then that's like, overt discrimination.
And I definitely understand that stuff.
- Because I feel like so often when people are like, "Oh,"
even when people say stuff like,
"Oh, I only date black women."
It makes me feel like I'm less.
Like, why can't you just like me
because you think I'm beautiful
or because you think I have a good sense of humor?
Why can't you like me for basic qualities
in which you like other women?
Why do I have to be other because of the color of my skin?
That's what bothers me.
- Realistically,
dating apps don't perpetuate- you know what I mean,
stereotype- oh sorry, not stereotypes,
but you know, discrimination.
Because I feel like, you come onto a dating app
with your own preconceived notions of people
and you come on, and if you choose to be racist
or if you choose to act in a certain way,
that was you as a person already.
It's not because the dating app, you know what I mean?
- [Kendra] But what do you think about dating apps?
So dating apps like OkCupid and The League
have preferences in which you can select race, too.
Do you think they should be able to do that?
- I don't think inherently there's a problem with an app
like, catering to what it thinks your preferences are.
Because people wouldn't use it if it didn't give them
what they were like, expecting to see,
or like, wanting to see.
It's hard to tell someone that they're wrong
for liking or disliking a certain thing
unless they're being like outwardly hateful.
- I mean, what's the diff-
I think discrimination and preference
is two different categories.
Having a preference and then discriminating
should not be intertwined.
- But I think preferences invite discrimination.
Because if you prefer something,
then a whole group of people
are discriminated against, because-
- That's my love am I not allowed to-
- No, you, I'm not saying that you're not.
I do think everyone kind of goes
into dating apps with a racial bias.
I cast a lot of dating shows for Jubilee
and we'll do like, Versus 1 or Tea For Two,
and the first question I ask people is,
"Do you have a preference of ethnicity?"
And they always say no.
And then a question later down the line will be like,
"Can you describe physically what that-
what your person that you're attracted to looks like?"
And they'll say things like blonde hair, blue eyes.
Well, traditionally white people have blonde hair
and blue eyes.
So you do have like a racial preference, you know?
- [Facilitator] I have felt unsafe
when meeting up with a date.
- So when I was younger,
I was just scared to go on a date.
Because I
have had bad experiences.
When I was 11-years-old
I was sexually molested
by a basketball coach in the community.
So ever since then,
it kind of put a bad connotation of like,
"I don't feel safe."
Even when I did start going out on dates,
I would have to drive my own car.
I would let my friends know like,
"Hey, this is the person that I'm going out with."
I send them my location.
That kind of made me feel a little bit safer.
(woodblock strike)
- I'm really sorry that that happened to you, Brittany.
Like, that is
really unfortunate.
I can't imagine.
Me personally, I don't think I've ever felt unsafe
because I always make sure
that I meet someone in a public space.
I always make sure I tell at least one other person
where I'm going and who I'm meeting with.
I also tell them what dating app I met them on.
And I make sure to like, set a time for them
to check in with me.
- You know, I
I've actually, you know, believe it or not,
a good looking guy like me,
I've never been on a date, you know,
with someone online, you know.
But I usually get to know the person a lot
before I take that step.
'Cause again, it's a lot of courage to-
to be even- just to ask, you know.
But again, it's everybody's experience is different,
and I could see why for you,
it would be such a hard thing to cope with.
And I completely understand.
- Honestly, I feel like,
the day and age that we live in now,
everything is totally accessible, especially information.
So we hear about all these kidnappings
and we hear about people, you know, like young women,
not to say that it doesn't happen to men,
but it's like, you know,
they're being missing- - But like, people are still
just meeting up at people's houses
to hook up off of dating apps.
I'm like, that is the most dangerous thing
(laughing) you could do. - Not just a house.
Even if you go to a public place, you know what I mean?
You can still be put in a super dangerous situation.
- I've had friends who have met men online
and found out after a relationship
that that man was actually married.
- [Brittany] But (laughter)
that can also happen in traditional dating as well.
I mean, that can happen with someone
that lives right around the corner from you.
- Yeah, but it helps if you have your
you know, your family and friends,
your people with you that know your background,
know the neighbor, or know- you know what I mean?
It's like, it helps a little bit.
It doesn't keep things happening
like what happened to you.
But it- I think it kind of minimizes it a little bit.
- There are like, apps that have things both- like,
- [Multiple People] Yes. - [Anne M] Is there really?
Like on Tinder,
you can like see how many degrees you are away from someone.
So if they're like, a first degree
- No way! - ...it means you're both
friends with them.
- That's actually amazing.
- And then you can sort of like, cross reference.
- They have verification processes online where
you verify your Facebook or Instagram.
I'm like, "Okay, if this person doesn't have
this many verifications, I'm not even responding."
- [Facilitator] Online dating makes it harder
to commit to one person.
- So I've been with my current girlfriend for about a year
and we met on a dating app.
I don't think it makes it harder to
stay committed.
But I do feel like it probably makes it harder to
decide on like, the initial commitment.
There's a portion of time where we like,
still both had the dating apps downloaded
after we started like dating and it wasn't like,
considered exclusive yet.
And there was just sort of this like,
thing in the air where it was like,
"Well, who's gonna like delete the apps first?"
- I feel like I have a hard enough time
picking my favorite flavor at the ice cream store.
You know what I mean? (Percy laughs)
And then, like if I were like, dating now
and I met, you know, a guy online I would be like,
second guessing myself all the time.
It's like, "Well, what about that guy from two rolls back?"
(Percy laughs)
(woodblock strike)
- I could not disagree more. - [Eric] Same.
- I honestly feel like it's not a choice.
You don't have to, it's-
What's difficult about it?
When you love someone, you're like, "Okay, what?"
We're sitting in the car together.
My fiance and I, we were sitting in the car together.
Both of our phones were out,
"Okay like, delete this. Unsubscribe from this."
Like, nothing was lingering.
Like, once- like, I think it was like
our second or third date.
We were like, "For us to really give this a chance,
like, clear all that bad energy out."
Like, let all that go,
so that way you can fully commit.
Even if it doesn't work out.
Give that person a chance.
- I agree with what you're saying.
But like, the one thing is like, I'm talking about
like a step back from there, where it's like,
before you've like decided to
have a conversation about how you guys are together.
Not knowing who to like actually respond to on a dating app
is what ultimately led me to finding
my current relationship.
Which just makes me feel kind of weird.
'Cause it's like, how- I don't even know
how I'm making the decision on like who to respond to.
Like, there's so many people coming in and out-
- In real life too, though, there's so many factors
I feel like that play into who you meet
and who you decide to go out with that no matter what-
- [Phillip] But it's never all like,
congregated onto this one inbox of like,
people who are just like-
- [Kendra] But I do think we have to speak about
that larger congregation of people who don't commit
because there's that, there's that net theory, right?
Of, "If there's a net, I'm gonna be less afraid to jump
because I know something is going to catch me.
I know that I'm going to be saved."
So it's like, I can go into this and I can say,
"I wanna fully commit to this,"
but if we get into a fight or if they smell bad
or if something, there's an out.
Like, there's always people who are always looking
for the exit sign.
And I think there's-
that's a larger population of people than not.
- [Brittany] But then that's the reason why
you have to commit, because I remember him mentioning
that even when him and his girlfriend
were starting to meet up with each other,
you guys both had these dating apps
still downloaded on your phone.
For me, it was like,
"Okay, I really like you.
I'm giving this a chance.
Delete it."
- [Facilitator] There is someone out there for everyone.
(everyone laughs)
- [Everyone] Yes. Absolutely. Yeah.
- Like, come on.
- I mean, I know this isn't a popular opinion,
but I do believe there is one person for everyone.
When I was 17, for 7 years, I wrote letters
to my future husband.
I would just write about how I, you know,
like I can't wait to meet him.
I can't wait to like spend Christmases together.
I would talk about the activities
I couldn't wait to do with him.
And like, I actually was planning on like,
writing a letter until I met him
and then giving it to him like, on our wedding night.
And the whole- I'm so corny guys. (laughing)
- That's adorable. I love that.
- (laughing) And I actually, - [Eric] I might do that!
- I actually ended up ripping the journal up
because I, at the advice of a therapist,
they had told me that I am keeping him in these pages
and preventing him from manifesting in real life.
And if I want him to come to me in real life,
like, I can't keep him in these pages.
And so I actually- - No, that's a lie.
That's a lie. When I was in high school,
I wrote everything down and then it all came to pass.
All of it.
Everyth- all, you know,
all the things that I wrote down that were my dreams.
- The key to manifestation
is being able to
get it out of here
and put it in some physical form
whether it be speaking it or writing it, so.
- I regret it now, don't worry.
(laughter erupts)
- No, for me, coming into this, it wasn't,
I wasn't looking at it as me against you.
Because I do think there's good in both.
You know? - Yeah.
And it works, and I think at the end of the day,
it all just comes down to effort
and what you're willing to put in.
Because you can go online,
you can do traditional,
but if you only putting in 50% of the work-
- And you're not being a dick.
- Yeah
- [Eric] You're being who you really say you are.
- I feel like many elements have to meet up
no matter if you're traditional dating
or if you're online dating.
- And that's it for you guys.
Thank you so much.
(applause)
- High fives y'all!
(laughter)
- Loved the conversation.
- Yeah, peace and love.
(groovy upbeat music)