By the way, quick announcement to the
lactose intolerant community. Um...
If I offer you ice cream, and you can't have any,
just say, "No, thank you."
That's it. There is no joke. That's just the message
I want to get out there.
I want to silence the lactose intolerant.
I don't need to know the havoc
dairy products are gonna wreak on your bowels...
right before I'm about to dig into my Rocky Road.
Are we clear? Are we good?
You didn't win an award.
You gotta work it into every conversation?
Why would you ever bring it up?
You can feel them wanting to bring it up.
They're, like, trying to work it in. It's like double dutch for them.
They're like...
You could be at a buffet table. You just feel it. They'll go,
"What is that? That looks yummy, but I probably can't
have that. You wanna know why?"
"No. I don't care why. I have no interest.
Just the fact that I can enjoy it without any problems
is enough for me."
"You know what it is? I don't want to bother you or anything.
I'm just gonna let you know, I'm lactose intolerant!
Totally intolerant to lactose.
Sorry, it's just better for both of us, just so you know.
It's out there.
I'm lactose intolerant.
And I do CrossFit.
That's it. That's all I wanted to say.
I don't want to say anymore.
You know, when I was first diagnosed LI, I...
I decided that very moment I was gonna live every
day to the fullest and just not let the little things bother me
anymore, unless, of course, they contain dairy.
Then they're gonna bother me quite a bit then, but that's me.
That is my cross to bear
and anyone who can hear the sound of my voice.
That's it."
Lactose intolerant.
It didn't exist 30 years ago.
You can't name one person who was lactose intolerant
30 years ago, 'cause it did not exist.
Actually it did. It's called a tummy ache.
Toughen up, America. Toughen up!
If you're a man and you're lactose intolerant,
why would you ever bring that up to another man?
Can you imagine Spartacus? Like...
In the arena after, like, twisting a tiger's neck,
and he's like,
"What's that? Is that coffee with half-and-half?
I can't have that. Nah, I get booboo belly.
I can't do it. I'm lactose intolerant. I'm lactose intolerant.
Do you have a non-dairy creamer?
Can you get a non-dairy creamer?"
Where are the men?
Where have they gone?
You know what I think of men? You know what I think of?
I think of that picture in the 1930s of those construction
workers sitting high above New York City,
right, sitting on that steel beam.
Right.
Just eating their lunch. They're eating their lunch.
Can you imagine if the fifth guy in was like, "Hey...
Is this cheddar cheese on my sandwich? I can't have this.
I'm lactose intolerant."
"Lactose? What is that? Is that like polio?"
"No! I get yucky tummy.
You guys got to scootch over! Scootch over!
Move your knees, I gotta get by. I gotta get by, guys!
Let me by. Can you guys let me by?
We gotta lower the beam! Just lower the--"
They would throw him off the back of that beam!
Lactose int-- there is not a more annoying group on the planet.
Check that, a gluten douche.