Tess Brigham: Hey everybody, welcome back. This week I am
talking about how to stop being codependent and how you can
start setting better boundaries in your relationships. And I'm
going to teach you three practice tools that you can use
to help you set better boundaries. So for all the best
advice, guidance and support, please subscribe to my YouTube
channel. I am here every single Thursday, and I am Tess Brigham
licensed psychotherapist and board certified coach. And I
have been working for over 15 years working with individuals,
families, couples, and individuals just like you help
you find your path your purpose, so that you can live the best
life and the exact life that you want. Alright, let's get
started. Let's talk about codependency. Because this is a
term that gets thrown around all the time. I can't tell you all
the clients that come in and plop down in my office and say
I'm codependent my mom's codependent or this person is
codependent. And so what is codependency codependency is a
consistent pattern of behavior. That is when one person is
prioritizing the wants and needs and desires of another person
over their own wants and needs and desires. It's to the point
in which it's not about like, Oh, I'm going to go help my
friend out during a rough time. It's really about when one
person is so preoccupied with another person's moods, you
know, are they happy? Sad, right? They're preoccupied with
are they doing this? or this or this? Or are they not doing
this, this and this. It's that preoccupation to that and the
pattern of it consistently, over and over and over again, to the
point in which the person that's codependent is so consumed with
the other person, and what they're doing and not doing to
the point in which they're not focusing on themselves any
longer. So if you have identified if you say, Oh, I
think this is me, Tess. I think I'm codependent then how do you
start and the place to start really is looking at you, you
know, really asking yourself some questions. Because the
reason why a lot of codependent people become codependent,
nobody starts out this way. Nobody starts out and says, I'm
going to be codependent today, what happens is, is they enter
into a relationship that becomes, you know, dysfunctional
in some way, shape, or form. And what happens is, is that you get
slowly over time you get lost in this other person, and what
they're doing to where it becomes almost like you feel
like, well, they need me so badly. You know, they need me so
much that I can't possibly leave them or not be in their life.
And that fear of not being needed, that fear of not having
this person to focus on becomes overwhelming. So it really
starts with you and asking yourself, you know, what are the
relationships that you grew up around? What did you see modeled
to you when you were young? What are your past relationships?
Like? Is this a pattern in your life? And what do you think
you've been getting from being so consumed with this other
person? And what do you fear will happen if you stop becoming
so consumed with this other person? What happens? It's
really about reflecting back on yourself and looking at for you,
you know, why? Why am I here? How did I get here. And I think
that if you are really in this and you realize it like this is
me, and this is a relationship that I'm in and I am seeing
myself and I don't think I know how to get out. This is the
moment in time where seeking professional help finding a
therapist is really the right place for you.
The next step, and I want to talk about these three practice
tools. So in my last video I talked about, you know how to
stop people pleasing and how to set boundaries. And in that I
talked about the three C's of creating boundaries. So the
first step is to reflect upon yourself really look at your
behavior. And then the next step is to start setting some
boundaries with this person in your life. And so I want to
refer you back to that video, the how to set boundaries video
where I go over the three C's of create, communicate, and keep it
in check, because I don't want to repeat it here. But I really
want to talk about here is after you watch the video on
boundaries is to come back here and really practice these three
things because there's three things that you can start doing
today to help you start getting better at setting boundaries.
Okay, the first one is this. Focus on questions. So when you
tend to be codependent when you're someone who like jumps in
and solves problems. What happens is the loved one comes
to you they say I need this, this and this and this is going
on I need your help. Your automatic response is okay, yes,
I'll help you do this, do this do this. Right. What you want to
start doing is is that really practice not solving the
problem. And the best way to practice not solving the problem
is to know statements. Just questions. So this happens a lot
with young adults and parents that come to me, right? Kid
calls up, oh, my God, Mom, I don't know what to do. You know,
this happened, my flight is late, or I, I can't book my
ticket or whatever it is. And I tell the parents instead of
saying to them, okay, drop everything, I'll get you a new
ticket and go here and do this right, is to be able to say,
Okay, I hear you. Um, you know, what have you tried already? You
know, who have you talked to about this? You know, have you
called the airline? Have you done this, like, really putting
it back on the kid to solve their problems. So if you're
someone who tends to be codependent and wants to jump in
and help, practicing simply saying, I am not going to make
any statements. I'm not going to fix anything. I am simply going
to ask questions. Okay. That is a great way and you you don't
have to start by practicing it with the person that you have
the most consistent codependent relationship, you can practice
this with anyone. The second tool to practice is saying no,
the art of simply just saying no, no, I don't want to do that
or no. Right. It is very, very hard for people who are
codependent and I talked about last time, people pleasers to
simply say no to someone. And so learning to practice to say
saying no is such a positive and really important, healthy
boundary. And so what I usually recommend to people is pick
someone who's a little bit easier to say no, like, maybe
the person at Starbucks or maybe, maybe your neighbor
someone's simple and learn how to practice just a simple No,
no, thanks. No, learn how to just say that and sit with it,
and walk away. All right. The third one is do nothing, do
absolutely nothing. your loved one calls you they're stressed
out, they want your help, they need you to call them back right
away. Whatever it is, how you do nothing. Don't rush to them
right away. Right? Not everything is an emergency. You
don't have to drop everything every single time. Someone needs
and wants something from you. So this is a great thing to do. I
mean, and again, I would practice with someone that maybe
isn't it isn't so difficult for you to do that with. But someone
texts you once you want something someone at work is
badgering you for something do nothing for a while. Sometimes
when we do nothing, people stop and they go oh, this person
isn't responding. I got to figure this out on my own, or
the problem works itself out. Right?
So those are the three tools ask questions don't go into fix No
statements to practice saying no. And finally do nothing.
Alright, check out that video. If you want more info on
boundaries, the stop people pleasing and set better
boundaries. And if you are interested in codependency the
queen of codependency is a woman by the name of melody baby. She
wrote a book many many years ago called codependent no more and
she's written I want to say hundreds of books tons of books
on this topic of codependency she is the person to go through
the go to if you are someone who struggles with codependency so
check her out. All right, thanks so much for being here. If you
love this video, please like it if you like me and like what I
have to say subscribe to my channel and even better spread
the word. Spread the word of my YouTube channel. I would love to
see your family and friends here. Alright, I'll see you next
time. Bye.