- I've talked a lot about the signs of a real friend, the
importance of rupture and repair in a lasting friendship,
and how to deal with a friend breakup.
But today, I wanna address that in-between stage,
where you're still kind of evaluating your friendship
and not exactly sure if what you're witnessing is
a cause for concern.
So, what are the signs that this friendship
may ultimately not be good for you?
What are the red flags that this is a path
you do not wanna go down?
Well, welcome, red flag number one: (bell dings)
they can't celebrate your success.
- How have you been?
- Honestly, really good.
I just did this huge Netflix show, Jupiter's Legacy.
- Fuck you.
- What?
- I said, good for you. Yay!
So, how's your girlfriend?
- Oh, well, actually, she's my fiance now.
She proposed, we're getting married.
- Fuck you.
- I'm sorry?
- I said, good for you. Yay!
- I'm pretty sure you said, "Fuck you."
- Oh, that's so weird.
Sounds like, you're really living the dream, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
- Cool!
- Look, we all get insecure, okay.
We all have tendencies to compare and despair.
It's an unavoidable part of being human.
But if more often than not, your friend can't celebrate
your success with you, this friendship is not gonna last
unless your life is miserable.
Cause now you're dealing with a person who cannot experience
anything in your life without filtering and comparing it
to theirs.
Red flag number two: (bell dings)
They can't hear your feelings or stand vulnerability.
This one's pretty self-explanatory.
And look, not all friendships have to be like,
deep conversations and vulnerable moments.
We will have some friends where it's, you know,
mostly joking around or talking about superficial things.
But if your friendship never has any moments of
vulnerability, that's not a friend, that's an acquaintance.
Friendships enrich our lives, they improve our health,
reduce our stress, and make us live longer.
I'm not sure that last one is necessarily a perk,
but you know what I mean.
We need friends who can nurture vulnerability
and be there for us in moments of crisis,
which are gonna happen, especially as we get older.
We're gonna deal with some real ass shit.
Death, divorce, loss, depression.
Knowing who is gonna be there for you when it counts
before something terrible happens, that's key.
And finally,
red flag number three: (bell dings)
There is a consistent major imbalance.
I was having a great conversation with my friend,
Maggie Levin, specifically about the dynamics of
unhealthy friendship and she made this very excellent
twitter thread that I'm about to shout out.
"There's plenty of info out there about push-pull,
anxious-avoidant, pursuer-withdrawer dynamics
in romantic relationships.
Not much is said about it in friendships.
I have personally spent WAY more time in pain, confusion,
and self-doubt, because of this stuff with friends.
As the saying goes, "I don't know who needs to hear this,"
but if you're in an unreciprocated, unequal, unrequited
friendship, that pain is real, you are not crazy.
And you have the right to address it, or not, and/or leave.
Likewise if there's an imbalance in the other direction--
you are being "chased" or expectations of how much energy
can be poured into the friendship are out of whack --
this is a real thing, and it sucks.
Any major imbalance of connection feels BAD.
I have been in both spaces.
I've also experienced friendships in great harmony (mostly, very recently).
The main thing that I have learned is that
if being honest with someone about how you really feel
means that the friendship is likely to go away,
that's Not A Real One.
If you have to present yourself as something other than
your authentic self, if you often feel like you're being
annoying to the other person, if your bids for connection
get consistently rejected, I grant you permission to exit."
If you only ever hear from a friend
when they want something...
- Hey baby girl, can I borrow some money?
Hey baby, girl, can you write me a recommendation letter?
Hey baby girl, I saw that you follow Jason on Instagram
and I was wondering if you could put in a good word for me,
I'll coordinate my thirst trap.
- Imbalance. If you find yourself being
the sole reason the friendship continues...
- I'm the one who is always asking us to hang out.
- I say, yes, don't I?
- I know, but I would really appreciate it if you
could take some initiative because I don't know
it just kinda makes me feel weird.
- I'm busy so if you want to schedule a hang, then
you need to reach out, and if I remember,
I'll schedule something.
- Imbalance. And to clarify, look
there are going to be times in your friendship
that imbalance will naturally happen.
But the big red flag is when it's all the time
and you're making excuses for this person
or you even bring it up to them and then nothing changes.
You know, I think we talk about romantic relationship
dynamics in our culture and society all the time
and not as much about friendships and the
complicated nature of maintaining them,
and when to end them.
Personally, I think friend breakups are way worse
than romantic breakups.
But what do you think, are these red flags fair?
Are there some I missed?
And have you realized that there's a bunch
of friends who you're probably going to have to break
up with right now?
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons who supported
today's video and thank you as always to
Mr. Daddy Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.
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