In the previous episode of Animated Bible Myths, Dinkleberry created Adam and Eve
They disobeyed him by taking and eating the wrong hunk of fruit from a talking snake.
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Cheetahs are inbred.
Very, very, ridiculously inbred.
Their gene pool is so tiny,
that genetically, they're all basically twins.
They were almost wiped out a few millennium back and had to incest their way off the endangered species list.
But if Noah's ark bottlenecked every species like this, why don't we all have such tiny gene pools?
I'll answer that, but first we should start with the biblical story of Noah.
A few generations have passed since Adam, and humanity's taking the command to be fruitful and multiply to a whole new level.
So much so that they've forgotten all about their creator Dinkleberry and started sleeping with giants
making huge Nephilim babies.
Poor Dinkleberry feels left out.
So like any jealous girlfriend would do he devises an elaborate plan to murder them all.
And that plan went something like this:
A 500 year old Geezer named Noah would build a zoo on a boat
It would be smaller than a football field and made of a magical substance called Gopher wood
Dinkleberry would pack the boat with millions of animals and plants and then drill the rest of the planet
The Bible isn't exactly clear on whether Noah brought a few
thousand times the carrying capacity of both that size
or a few million. All we know for certain. Is that there were 14 giraffes?
Dink could have just punished the giants or smited the sinners in their sleep,
but Anu, Puluga, and all the other gods were wiping out their subjects in global floods, and it sounded so cool!
Besides he wanted to make a statement and send a strong message to all the plants and animals too.
Dinkleberry tried for 20 years to get somebody to build his doomsday boat with no luck.
Everybody thought he was nuts.
Finally he settled on gullible, old noah who actually took him seriously.
He gave noah some schematics and told him to have fun
Dink forgot all about the ventilation and lighting in the ark's blueprints though
So Noah installed only one window, making it so dark all the plants died.
The carnivores couldn't handle a vegetarian diet anyways,
But they still had to keep the herbivores alive somehow.
On top of that Noah couldn't find a way to feed millions of meat-eaters for a year
Without every brunch turning into a mass-extinction event.
The voyage was twice the length of the average hibernation
So that wouldn't work.
And room on the ark was already pretty tight
but with the recent invention of the shrink ray,
There was enough space for Noah to bring Cryo Sleep Chambers!
What a problem-solver!
Next up Dinkleberry just needed to find a good water source.
He found some water underground in aquifers,
But it only accounted for less than a percent of the whole world's water supply
He had thought about using thermal expansion to increase sea-level
But he would have had to increase the temperature to twice Death Valley's
Just to get a 4% boost in water volume
before it all boiled away
He just wanted to drown the world, not boil it!
A giant, gravity-resistant water canopy hovered in the sky.
It was special water that didn't refract light
Meaning it was magically thick enough to flood the Earth,
but somehow didn't create round-the-clock darkness
It was perfect for genocide
With almost everything in place, Dinkleberry gave Noah a hundred years to build the boat.
Not because Noah one needed that long,
but to give himself time to brainstorm the one remaining problem:
How to get the Banana slug from America to Noah without it dissolving in the salty, Atlantic waters
20 years in, Noah had three sons,
And alzheimer's!
His sons names were Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
It was probably a good thing that they came along, or the boat never would have been built.
He actually had four sons
but Fargblutt was in charge of carrying the Malaria, Aids, and Smallpox on the ark.
He didn't live long enough to leave much of a legacy.
They finished the boat in about a year
But spent the remaining time Tetris-ing all of the animals into place.
Somehow, even the snakes made it on board.
Even though they were to blame for this whole fiasco, in the first place.
Once everyone was on,
Dinkleberry punctured the canopy,
summoning a 40-day, 350 inch per hour torrential downpour.
Even Mount Everest was covered!
Or disintegrated at that rate!
It rained and it poured!
And the water started to rise!
And Noah's little boat creaked and rocked!
Steel reinforcements didn't exist back then.
Would the boat sink?
Would Noah make it?
Why are just the cheetahs inbred?
Find out in Noah's Ark Part 2.
Coming soon!
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What? Too soon?
Well just remember that if you believe in a literal Bible that says
these petite ladies were birthing pumpkin-headed juggernauts
Then you also believe in a God who drowned a planet
so that he could keep the racial bloodlines pure -
All while preserving diseases, of course!