This feels like I'm going to get whacked.
Hey.
Hey, Billy Milly.
DESUS: There you go.
How are you, sir?
Thank you for joining us here in our Guantanamo type of set.
I know.
What is-- am I going to get waterboarded down here?
Maybe, maybe, you know what I'm saying.
Hey, what up.
It's your boys.
Tonight we are sitting down with--
MERO: Legendary. DESUS: --Bill Burr.
MERO: Legendary podcaster, Monday Morning Podcast.
If you're not listening to that shit, you're fucking up.
He's in "F for Family" on Netflix.
How many other gigs you got going on?
How many checks you getting?
Too many?
There's no real checks left in the business.
It's all-- - That's bullshit.
That's-- come on, bro.
Yeah, now everybody--
Don't bullshit us.
All the old guys tell me I missed it.
But aren't you doing-- you're doing multiple.
You have multiple checks.
BILL BURR: There's a reason for that.
Yeah, back in the day, you just knew you had that one thing.
Well, I mean, but back in the day,
you could do coke on stage.
Like, you know, the game got changed.
Yeah, so I don't know.
All right, I'll go with it.
Yeah, I'm making crazy money.
All right.
Look-- look at this green shirt.
You wish you could get a green button down like this.
MERO: Look at that.
It's starched and all that. - Yeah.
No, what'd you start with?
Standup is where I make my money.
Your main--
And everything else is like, stuff I love to do, you know.
DESUS: Got you.
I do like them all, but like, standup's
the first thing that I did.
When you do standup--
I feel like there's two kind of standups.
There's guys that are like, very like, yo, this is my set.
And there's guys that kind of like, work the crowd,
do a lot of crowd work.
Where do you like, fall in between--
I used to be, this is my set.
Yeah.
And I would just be like, I'm starting with this,
and then I go to this, and then I go to that.
But then you just feel like, trapped in your act.
And then I used to watch guys who were free up on stage,
you know, Chapelle, David Attell and all of these guys.
And I remember thinking, I want to be more like that.
So I worked my way towards that.
So now that's what I do.
I don't really do crowd work, because I just
feel like you say anything to the crowd and everybody
loses their mind, like it's the most amazing thing.
You just literally--
He talked to me.
He told me go fuck myself.
Oh, my god.
How did he come up with that?
So it's not as fulfilling?
That and like, sex jokes.
I always just felt like just people--
they just lose their minds, to the point
you'd just be on stage going, all right,
this isn't this funny.
Right.
BILL BURR: So unless I have a specific sex story,
like, you know-- which I don't now, because I'm married.
Right.
Back in the day when I was single, you know, I would have,
you know-- whatever.
Some, whatever, crazy date or something like that.
I would talk about it.
But like, there was always like, I don't know.
I don't know if it's the Catholic guilt in me
or whatever. DESUS: Right.
I just had always felt like sort of like, joke plus PEDs.
DESUS: Got you.
And I noticed that a lot of comics that, if they did
sex stuff, they would end with it, because nothing
could follow it.
Right.
BILL BURR: And then if you saw somebody start with sex jokes,
you were like, they're just talking about sex
the whole time I'm up there.
And then-- which was entertaining on another level
to watch somebody, you know, start with like, you
ever been f-cking a bitch?
But just like, how is this guy going
to sustain this for 45 minutes?
MERO: 45 minutes [LAUGHS]
And just watch him doing it.
And then like, you know, 35 minutes in, it's just like,
and the taint.
What is up with the taint?
It's like, this guy's running--
Is it or isn't it?
He's out of orifices.
He's going down.
He might pull up short.
So yeah, no, I like going up.
I like just saying what I want to say.
Most of my last special was just talking about me realizing
this part of myself that I didn't like,
this temper that I have, which is funny to watch on stage,
but it's not fun to live with.
But I mean, I don't, like--
it's not like I like, yell at people.
I more yell at stuff, you know.
Like, stupid shit that doesn't matter,
like, trying to download a new operating system.
Like, today on my iPhone, and then they did this shit--
The update?
--where I could do an emoji with my own face.
Yeah.
And it's like, I don't want to fucking do that.
Because I don't know what you're doing with that, and then
it's this little cute thing.
And then somebody has my fucking, I don't know what,
face DNA. DESUS: Mm-hmm.
Right? MERO: (LAUGHING) Face DNA.
And then-- you know.
Then my wife sends me a text, hey, I got to do thing.
Hey, I made the emoji of your face.
It's just like--
Why did you that?
Why did you do that?
(LAUGHING) I didn't want you to do that.
Yeah.
You want to go on the spaceship, you go on the spaceship.
Don't do it for me.
But the new me, I was just like, oh, yeah, great.
Great, thank you.
MERO: Now you're communicating in only emojis?
Yeah, I don't know how that works.
[LAUGHS]
I am definitely--
Are you not an emoji guy?
You don't strike me as an emoji-- a facial emoji guy.
There's two that I like.
I like thumbs up and thumbs down.
That's it. - That's it.
That's it.
That is it.
And I love now--
No hearts?
Now I love that I can just touch the text and do that.
Hey, we're getting together tonight at 9:00.
There you go.
Yeah.
What's your greatest sports memory?
Don't say 2004, because I'll walk out.
BILL BURR: What's that?
Don't say 2004, because I'll walk out.
2004, that was a great one.
That was a great one.
You, as a Red Sox fan, you have every right.
That was an amazing comeback.
Oh, thank you for telling me what I already know.
You see what Yankee fans do?
He still put himself on high.
I grant you, as a Red Sox fan, a chance for happiness.
I mean, I'm coming from on top of 27 rings.
What do you want?
(SINGING) Glory days, they'll pass you by.
27 rings.
Can I tell you something?
27 fucking rings, bro.
Yeah, the first 20 were made out of wool.
That's cool.
I have no problem rooting for when the Yankees
were winning the World Series, and
the winners got vaccinated, OK.
Honestly, the first 15, The Three Stooges
were still shooting movies.
But go ahead.
Do that.
DESUS: Listen, I love the idea of someone driving up
with a Model T, and then going and swinging,
and getting a home run.
Now I'm going to talk to you about the Celtics with their 16
with like, 19 white guys on the court.
[HUMMING]
Now it's all biology teachers.
See, that doesn't hurt as much,
because as Knick fans, we just-- listen,
it's not even a contest, bro. BILL BURR: I know.
We know that. - It's not even a contest.
We know that.
You actually had somebody move in on your territory
out there in Brooklyn.
Ah, barely.
That is a bad franchise.
That's a bad--
This is something that you know.
The worse the franchise is, the more noise they pump in
like, during-- the more chaos during stoppage of play.
DESUS: Yeah.
Anytime there's a foul, all of a sudden,
like, 50 tumblers come out.
There's trampolines. DESUS: T-shirts.
Fucking T-shirt cannons.
Mascot jerking off, like--
Oh, yeah.
It's like [CHANTING] Brooklyn, Broo--
I'm like, nah, man. Don't do that.
--Biggie hologram and shit.
I'm like, ah, come on.
They must have said, Brooklyn, we go hard,
Brooklyn, where you at?
It's like, yeah, we all-- - We're here.
We're here.
We've been here for like, the last two innings.
Yeah, just make fucking Biggie's corpse
the mascot at this point.
BILL BURR: Yeah, it was very--
[LAUGHS] Jesus, you're going to get some shit for that one.
Like, yo, come on.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I would say 2001, first time the Patriots won a Super Bowl.
Which I have to be honest with you.
If you really watched the Patriots growing up
the way I did, you would have thought
the Red Sox would win a World Series before the Patriots.
We played in like, a high school football stadium.
And I went to the game when we lost to Green Bay, you know--
In the Drew Bledsoe days?
When I went-- yeah, Brett Favre took his helmet off,
running up.
I was at that one.
And I went to the 2001 with my brother and my dad.
My dad's like an old school guy, like, never-- you know, like,
someday I'm going to, you know, get myself
a glass of water or something.
It's just like, Dad, do it.
He won't.
So we actually got him a ticket.
We went there.
They won, you know, last second field goal.
And my mother said, every day for three months,
he would wake up going like, I can't
believe I was at that game.
I cannot believe I was at that game.
So that was probably the best one.
MERO: Beautiful father/son moment.
Yes, beautiful father/son-- tender moment.
How'd you get into comedy?
I mean, I was almost 24 when I started,
which is starting to get kind of late.
And I was so scared and shy, I had to make
a New Year's resolution.
At some point in 1992, I am going to try standup comedy.
And it was funny-- the second I said that, like three
weeks later at my school--
I went to Emerson College--
they had an advertisement.
Nick's Comedy Stop, find Boston's funniest college
student, which was just a big scam
to get a bunch of college kids in there to go
watch their friends bomb.
So I entered the contest, didn't win, did OK.
But like, that was it.
I just knew when I went up there, I was like, OK,
I'm doing this.
Do you have the same feeling when you're on stage now
as you did when you first began?
Is it still like an adrenaline rush, or what's it feel like?
It's actually better now.
I don't know why.
It's something that I truly, truly love, and it's something
that I would do for free.
And I literally like, have to do it.
Like, my wife feels it.
Like, two, three days, I just start
fucking banging off the walls.
And she'll just say to me, I think--
do you need to do standup?
Do you need to go out and do standup?
And I'm like, yeah, kind of like a dog, like a dog.
Hey.
Like, wagging his tail.
Can I go outside?
So I get out of there, and she gets to sit
down and watch her shows.
And I kind of like, get it out of me.
And I liked everything about it.
I love comedy clubs.
I love seeing new people coming up
that I can tell are going to be great
and that they have the same disease I do,
where they kind of have to do it.
Where like, I'm old enough to remember going to The Comedy
Store when I would just visit LA,
and Richard Pryor was still coming
around every once in a while.
And my-- this never happened-- but my dream was
to be on stage, get off stage, and all
I wanted for him as I walked by is say, hey, man, good stuff,
or, funny. - Good shit, yeah.
BILL BURR: And then I would just be like, career over.
Done. I don't--
MERO: Has that never happened to you
in reverse, like, where you just kind
of pop into like, a small club, and there's like,
talent in there?
And they see you, and they're like, oh,
shit, that's fucking Bill Burr.
Well, if I do, it's good that I don't know it,
because then I would stink.
I'd be be walk--
yes, I've arrived.
Well, I want to thank you.
Me and my freckled shoulders have
blessed you with my presence, and here are my shit jokes.
No, that is the worst mindset that you could ever go into--
I call it taking the ride.
You take the ride, you cut the cord, and you just float off.
And next thing you know, you're courtside on a basketball game,
wearing sunglasses inside with the chick you know
doesn't love you, but she looks good.
She's texting the whole game.
You don't tell her to put her fucking phone away.
What are you doing? - What are you doing?
BILL BURR: You don't.
We're courtside.
BILL BURR: You have left.
You just-- you're floating away.
You're floating away.
DESUS: Oh, man.
You worked with Greg Giraldo, right?
BILL BURR: Yeah, oh, yeah.
Countless times.
We had a very similar trajectory.
He was good.
BILL BURR: Oh, yeah.
No, he was just an absolute beast,
and he was such a-- one of my favorite things
is a super intelligent guy that's silly.
And he was like that.
He was such an amazing guy.
He was one of those comedians that, like, I saw him,
and I was like, yeah, definitely.
That's something I want to do.
Like, he was--
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah, that's really great to hear that.
I remember when we were coming up, he just did the road-- we
both just hit the road hard.
When I was coming up, wherever I went,
either Greg had just been there, or he
was coming the next week, or Stanhope, or Mitch Hedberg,
and they would-- or Attell.
Mitch Hedberg, wow.
BILL BURR: Yeah, Mitch Hedberg, Jesus, OK.
I mean, you start moving up the college rankings.
It's basically like the team you were
going to play lost their quarterback,
and all of a sudden--
MERO: Now you're up there, you're like--
Fuck you, Alabama.
You like that?
I beat you by 1.
So like, honestly, if they were all around,
I don't think I'm sitting here on this show.
Bill, this has been a great interview, man.
- Has it? - It has.
Oh, all right.
I think it showed people you in a new light,
you know what I'm saying? - OK.
DESUS: It's good. That's what we try to do.
That's what we try to--
You know what I mean?
Because I feel like the whole world--
I know. They think I'm an angry asshole.
MERO: That's what it is. That's what it is.
- I'm not. - It's the Boston part.
We have disproven this.
I am an angry asshole who's trying
not to be an angry asshole. - There you go.
- There you go. - God's working on all of us.
That's right, you know what I'm saying.
Now, you know here in New York,
we have neon signs in our bodegas,
along with cats that sleep on bread.
What would you like your neon sign to say?
24-hour security.
It's a good one.
That's a good one. - Bong, bong.
Thank you, Bill Burr.
Watch "Paper Tiger" on Netflix.
Give it up for Bill Burr.
[LAUGHS]