No one makes me laugh like our first guest does.
Please welcome my friend David Spade.
David!
Hey!
Can you see me?
I see you.
You can see me, huh?
Do you see me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been watching you for a little bit, yeah.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I'm on, like, six Zoom calls.
So I'm just jumping over to you right now.
Oh, you're a busy man, aren't you?
[LAUGHS] No, not at all.
How are you holding up?
No.
I want to know how everybody's doing
and what you're doing to keep busy.
I'm watching your shows, but what else are you doing?
Well, first of all, the shows-- like your show, probably--
it's a lot more complicated, I think,
than people realize to do anything from the house.
I didn't know how to do my computer.
I didn't know anything.
So just for me to be alone, and they're
trying to tell me how to set things up-- that's hard.
I just run out of things to do quickly.
I realize I'm not an interesting person.
I was alphabetizing my colognes yesterday.
Oh, it took all day.
Thank God.
That's a great time killer.
I start with Axe, and then I go to--
[LAUGHS] I don't know.
So now I'm just making them in my basement.
It's just mix up some herbs and spices, yeah.
It's tough out here.
What's the final cologne?
What's the last cologne?
[LAUGHS]
I don't even have it that far.
I did try to get an arc from IKEA.
This is so hard to build.
And it says it's so easy.
Because I just thought, maybe--
I'm sorry--
--if it rained--
An arc.
Yeah.
It was $200 and it's-- yeah.
I put it on my tennis court, and I'm trying to put it together.
And it's not so simple.
So I'm out there with my mask on, a Phillips screwdriver.
It's going to take me a while.
It might actually go into summer.
So, that.
[LAUGHS]
I'm surprised you're not posting that.
Let's see that as soon as possible.
So David, when I was calling people, I called you.
I called David, just--
I'm talking to the people, now, at home.
I thought it would be fun to call David.
And I FaceTimed him, but I was doing it a different way.
But I didn't do it right, because there was no sound,
so we couldn't use any of it.
And I love talking to you, but we couldn't use it.
I know.
You texted afterwards.
And I understood, because it's so complicated
to do all these things that I couldn't get mad about it.
It was fun talking to you anyway, and we had a nice chat.
And we just had some laughs like we just normally do.
But unfortunately, everyone didn't
get to eavesdrop on that.
No.
So I thought, well, I'll start doing a show,
because that'll be a way that they'll see it.
Let's talk about your show.
You're doing a show, and you call it a bunker.
I doubt it's a bunker.
Well, right now, I'm in a different room.
But this is just little, small rooms.
And just for noise--
if it's too echoey, if it's too this.
Believe me, everyone comments and says, you should do this,
and you should do this.
And you can't see this, and your hair looks stupid.
So I sort of take all that in, and then I
try to tweak things and get it going.
But it's all-- everyone's doing it,
and it's a learning process.
But I think people watching understand
that this is a bit trickier than what we're all used to.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Let's talk about you getting the biggest stars last week.
I am so jealous.
I texted you afterwards, because you're doing such a great job.
You got a lot of the people from Tiger King.
Oh, yeah.
That was sort of an accident-- not really.
I was watching Tiger King, and I missed out
on Love Is Blind or whatever that one on Netflix,
because everyone says, are you watching this new thing?
And I never seem to be knowing what to talk about.
And then Tiger King--
I said, whatever the next one is, I'm in.
It didn't even look like it was my thing,
but I go, let's watch it.
And then after, like, two, I said, this guy is so hilarious.
He's like a Barney Fife kind of tough guy,
but not really tough.
It looks crazy.
And I said-- and that's such an area of Florida and Oklahoma,
and just reminded me of growing up in Arizona
and doing that Joe Dirt movie.
So I said, maybe we should have one of these guys on.
And the main guy was in jail.
I hadn't gotten to the end yet, but he was in jail.
And so they said, well, we put the word out, and a lot of them
didn't want to talk to showbiz types.
But they thought you--
they could relate to you, because you were in Joe Dirt.
And I said, oh, sure.
OK.
So a bunch of them started calling in.
And then I couldn't do, even, all of them,
because I thought maybe I was getting--
I didn't want it to get repetitive.
But this thing is fun to watch-- the Tiger King.
And it's crazy.
And the animals are sort of a backdrop.
They just focus on the puppet show in the front.
All these people, each one, each episode,
they're even crazier than the next guy.
And it all interlocks.
But you and I, you're an animal lover.
It takes a slight dark undertone if you look too deep.
So as the show got on, and deeper, deeper, I
started to think, ah, it's fun in a way,
but it's also a little rough around the edges.
Yeah, for sure.
So now do you want to interview Carole Baskin?
[LAUGHS] Ellen, you're so good at this.
And I just do it like BSing, which you sort of do anyway.
And that was a compliment when you
said that I handled the interview all right, because I
wouldn't know what to do other than just
talk like a normal person-- just asking crazy things people ask
me.
Carole Baskin would be riveting to talk to--
sort of looks like Amanda Seyfried
a little bit, a little Wendi McClendon.
She's so interesting and spacey.
And nothing really got to her.
She would just talk, and they go, he's trying to kill you.
[CHUCKLES] She always had a nervous laugh,
but always sort of one-note, like--
I don't know.
And Joe was so interesting, and she was so interesting,
in her own way, and the husband that
was just staring next to her.
I liked it all.
I just thought, as a character study, it's fun to watch.
Now, do I want to have them as roommates?
No, probably not.
[LAUGHS]
So now they're going to make a movie, I think.
I heard that Kate McKinnon is playing Carole Baskin.
I don't know if there's several things going
on-- several projects.
But a lot of people--
and I think Joe Exotic, including Joe Exotic,
wants you to play him.
I read this.
I don't know.
It depends.
There's the show, and then there's
getting time off and all that.
But I thought it's just a funny idea,
because everyone-- it's more fun just
to think who the casting would be, just for something to do.
Kate McKinnon, obviously, is great at everything.
And she does drama.
And this movie would probably have
to be a little more dramatic, too,
to get all the real stuff going on, not just a goofy comedy.
But I thought Woody Harrelson as Jeff.
You know Jeff who bought the park?
That guy looked a little like Woody Harrelson.
And I talked to that guy, too.
was great.
He brought the nanny out at the end.
It was a whole thing.
They're all showmen, you know what I mean?
They know what they're doing.
And there's other people in there.
I think-- oh, the guy--
his boyfriend, John Finlay--
had a couple of tubes missing.
Do you remember him?
He looks great.
He's got a new grill.
And he said Channing Tatum might be good for him.
So it sounds like a fun--
I know.
It's fun to ask them what they want.
And then they-- actually, Joe Exotic said me or Brad Pitt.
And I think I know which way it's going to head.
But I see Brad at auditions all the time,
and it's always tense.
I was going to say, y'all are always up for the same role.
You almost got Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, didn't you?
Well, I didn't even know I didn't get it until I saw it.
I go, oh, so they did--
OK.
Because I was at three callbacks.
You know what Brad does?
He brings his Oscar to auditions now, which is--
I don't think you're allowed to do that in SAG.
But it just shows everyone, in case you forgot, I'm better.
But I think Joe is a little too squirrelly for Brad.
That might be wishful thinking, because Brad is so studly.
And I'm a little more squirrelly.
I think you're studly and squirrelly.
We have to take--
All right.
--a break.
We're going to-- because we have to.
Sure.
We'll be back, though.
We'll still be here.
They're going to go-- well, they're not
going to go anywhere, either.
It's so weird when we say "we'll be back," because we're here.
Those people are still going to be there.
There's just something in between this.
So something happens.
We'll be back.
All right.
We are back with David Spade.
David, how's your family?
How's your mom?
My mom-- my mom's funny, because she's--
just, A, she had a back operation.
So she had her spine fused.
So she's sort of in quarantine anyway.
But she's getting better.
Very terrifying, because I can't go there.
I went right at the beginning, and then they wouldn't-- you
can't really go anywhere after.
So we just talk all day.
And she didn't get back to me until 3:00 yesterday.
She's like, I didn't get everything done.
I go, mom, you can do literally nothing.
But she's always so busy.
And she goes, I'm watching this.
I'm doing this.
I've got the dog.
But I go, you can barely stand up.
So I'm jealous that she's finding ways
to fill her whole day.
She's doing better.
I'm watching movies.
Some of the movies I watch--
I think I've run out.
I watched Ford Versus Predator.
I watched Alien Versus Ferrari.
I think these are really low budget.
Oh, yeah.
I saw A Quiet Place with Emily Blunt-- you know her?
She's on your show a lot--
and John Krasinski.
And it's a good movie.
And then in the middle of it--
here, I'll give you a little scene from it.
Everyone's just scared like this.
[BREATHING RAPIDLY]
And then they go, do you want some potato chips?
And she goes, I probably shouldn't, but I can't help it.
Shh, shh.
Monsters don't like the noise.
[BREATHING RAPIDLY] I don't want to give it all away, Ellen.
But that's a little bit of--
it would be an applause break here--
that's--
[CLAPS]
Also-- [LAUGHS] that's my applause break?
That's good.
Oh, I don't understand-- movies, Ellen.
Clearly.
So you're walking a lot on Instagram.
You're social distancing, which it seems like that's not
a new thing to you, right?
No.
I've been walking around, and people are terrified of me.
And I even do everything right, but people--
not even six feet.
They want to be about 100 feet from me.
And I dance around and try to loosen up.
But it's funny, because I have a movie coming out on Netflix.
And it comes out in May, but I want it to be out right now,
you know what I mean?
Because this is the time when I want to make people watch it,
because I want to say--
it's a great movie.
I love it.
It's called The Wrong Missy.
And I've had good dealings with Netflix with two movies I've
done over there.
But it's May 8.
And now I'm like, we've got to get this movie out,
so let's try to inch it up.
I don't know how it works over there,
but it seems like a couple buttons, you know?
Yeah.
It doesn't seem like it'd be too hard to slide that over.
You're right.
You know what?
I'll talk to some people.
I've got friends over there.
Talk to Ted.
Talk to all the guys on a group chat
and try to get something happening.
Because I did it in Hawaii and now I miss it so much.
I was in Hawaii.
I was having a good time.
A year ago, right now, I was doing the movie,
and it was so fun.
And now I'm chewing bark off my trees.
Oh, don't do that.
Well, I forgot I had food, but I just got scared.
Speaking of that, now, you're by yourself.
Are you going to the grocery store yourself
and getting stuff?
Or are you having stuff delivered?
It's a little of both.
I had to go to the store to get some basics.
And it's scary.
And then, you know what?
I saw somebody.
This sounds like a joke.
But they were in the aisle at the pharmacy,
but they were in--
it said Colds and Flu with all the NyQuil.
And they were in there, and I was like, no.
Because, why are you in there?
What are you getting?
Are you sick?
I got scared.
So back to the front.
Get my stuff.
Get out.
Spray myself down.
It's like Silkwood.
I spray down in the shower like Meryl Streep.
And then I'm just-- home waiting for something else
to do, and then get hungry again.
But I do have stuff delivered.
And I'm lucky enough to have--
can have that happen.
But I always get scared, every time they speak on TV,
they're going to say, we're going
to take something else away.
You can't do this and I'm like--
it's pretty much a ragtag, bare bones right now.
Are you cooking?
Do you know how to cook?
I know how to heat up.
And honestly, I opened the oven and there
was a bottle of vodka.
I don't know if I hid it there three years ago or what,
but I don't use the oven so much.
I preheated it, and then it smelled.
And I opened it up, and there's a big bottle of Vodka.
And I go-- so somebody-- me--
I don't know-- hit it there years ago.
And they know I don't use the oven.
But I used the oven, drank the vodka.
I cook in the microwave.
I cook on a pan with a top on it.
I heat stuff up.
But I can't do too much.
So are you a cook, or are you not?
No.
Portia has been learning how to cook,
and she's getting pretty good at it.
I am not.
And people always ask, because she posts them.
And then the comments are, does Ellen cook?
And so I don't.
I can make a sandwich, and I can boil water and put pasta in it,
and I can heat stuff up.
But yeah, I don't cook.
You do the basics, yeah.
But she loves to cook.
Yeah, but she does love cooking.
So she enjoys it.
Hey, listen.
I have to go, because--
OK.
--I don't know why.
I do.
This is a tough one when you say you have to go,
because everyone goes--
I have nothing to do.
--you do?
I know.
I understand.
I don't really have to go.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe there's a battery that runs out,
because the camera just rolls.
And then I leave, and then I come back the next day,
and it's--
You can always just say, my battery is running out.
I've got to get going.
And everyone goes, oh, OK
OK, then I'll say that.
Yeah.
Thank you for having me, Ellen.
I love you.
All right.
I love you.
Lights Out, Live From The Bunker is
available on YouTube and Twitter.
You should watch, because David is very, very good at this,
and some interesting people.
I love you.
Stay safe.
We'll be back.