Hello little buns! It is Stef. Welcome back to my home. Although now, it is a church, okay.
If you've been with me a while, you know, that we are at the breadsquad. I am the bread mom.
Ya'll the little buns.
That's how it's been for literally two fucking years, but I feel it is time to grow up
So we're gonna try something new and we're just gonna go full-on cult alright. I spent my life worshipping the carb
It is a misunderstood nutrient. It is not as they say
Responsible for making you fat, okay, alright
that's important.
Bread does not make you fat Scott Pilgrim you whiny man baby. Food is fuel. Food is the energy that you need to perform
Basic human tasks and carbs are a very big part of that
They're important for you to have alright, so we're just gonna talk about
Worshipping them now
Because that's a rational thing to do. It was one of the first foods that human beings consumed, like and made
You know that was separate from something you just harvested and consumed
They made this. It was one of the first foods they made.
And it's amazing because it occurred across like all cultures around the same time kind of like the pyramids right so I mean
If you are like a conspiracy theorist you could like, conspirorize
Is that a word? That aliens made the pyramids and the bread or you could just accept that people from all cultures
Were intelligent and built buildings and made bread, but since we're a cult we're gonna go with aliens all right
That's the best is what we're gonna do
Anyway, and that's why worship bread as my Lord, Lady and Savior. And you should too. So here's the rules there are ten rules one rule for
Every you know, piece of salt that is visible on a pretzel. one rule for each of those. So there's ten rules okay. Rule number
One only eat bread- you can eat things on bread, but not separate from bread this includes
medications. If you can't do it, you die.
I'm so sorry. Rule number two: you can only drink water two hours before or after consuming bread.
Otherwise it will compromise the bread textures quality in your stomach okay. No compromising texture.
No mushy bread. Not happening. Rule number four: you shall have no other breads before sourdough
If sourdough is present you have to consume the sourdough first
It is the basis of all bread it is the originator it is the original carb if you will okay?
respect the original carb. Respect it above all else. Rule number four: Olive Garden breadsticks are a
Divine entity. They are a holy food.
They are the holiest of holy. Olive Garden breadsticks have been blessed by the Baker, the Bun, and the holy pita, okay?
They are divine. They must be equally distributed amongst your peers as well. Okay. Lest you incur the wrath of
the bread. if somebody insults the Olive Garden breadsticks. You have to excommunicate them from your life
Immediately! Rule number five: all party drugs are off the table
Okay, if you want to get high with your friends. You will be snorting yeast, okay?
Cocaine, Is the devil. Snorting yeast will bring you closer to the holy Pita or something. Holy ciabatta?
Holy French baguette. I don't care. They're all holy they're all divine, alright?
Rule number six, this is very important, okay?
This is the most recent addition to the rules
But we put it in number six because it's in the middle and that's just a quality and it's fair okay
Bread exclusionism-- What just happened to me?
See I must have incurred the wrath of the bread because my earring just flew off like some kind of fucking grenade
Anyway, bread exclusionism is banned from the Church of bread okay?
This is very important all bread is made equal except for like sourdough
Which is obviously of course the original and like the best bread like it's the best.
Like, it's obviously more important than the rest, but all bread is equal. Okay rule number seven: don't waste bread okay?
It's actually a prayer, and it goes don't spread or you'll end up dead okay
That's how it goes. memorize it with me here we go. Don't waste bread or you'll end up dead
Don't waste bread
Or you'll end up dead. It's kind of a thing supposed to haunt you in your dreams so that you remember. It's very important
It's very in this the most important rule, but it's true. You know if you waste bread. There is a place a
horrible place where the scorched husks of the crust of bread go to burn and crumble, it's... THE TOASTER!
Rule number eight: if you call naan, naan bread
I will personally come and scream at you because it's not-- That's like saying bread bread. Naan is bread.
It's just bread. Just say naan bread. Okay. That's saying bread bread. That's like saying like
candle candle. It's a candle candle. It's fucking. It's just a candle. It's just naan, okay
Thank you. Rule number nine: with all carbs bread must come first. Pasta? Cool! Rice? Fine.
But spread is first
and
If you're consuming other carbs and it has to be on bread so as to follow rule number one right. If you're eating anything other than
Bread it has to be on bread so you better just get a lot of biscuits
Or a lot of like you know bread that you can just sop stuff up with because otherwise you'll be eating
exclusively bread
And you will die. just be aware that you deserve it. Rule number ten:
Always share your bread recipes with all of your fellow cultist
This is the most important part of maintaining a stable Society is sharing your bread recipes. This is a socialist Club, okay?
We're not here to keep things from people or to like you know what is it? What's the word uh?
What's the word? Oh my god come to me? Where's the words? It's in the bread- the word is in the bread
I'm gonna eat the bread- I'll know the word
deprive!
See it worked perfectly. I believe this is not a place where we deprive people of knowledge, healthcare
Okay, you got a wound shove some bread in it
It'll it'll absorb the blood and it'll just heal and then you'll have a bread inside of you. You'll be more divine, okay?
Don't actually do that just for the record. That's really probably not. That's just totally unsafe. It's terrible to do that.
Where's my ciabatta?
Where's my ciabat-- there it is. cool that is it. it is time and I still got bread in my mouth
I think I'm ready to spit it out. it is time to ascend
Let us all be reborn in glorious gluten and green. Here we go, here we go
So good. [IS IT?] So good. [DESCRIBE HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW] It's amazing. It's amazing. It's so good.
It's perfect like
Okay well see nothing happened. I didn't become bread so I guess the cult is canceled its over. I mean
It's so great still fantastic. You can still eat it, but totes cancelled bye. See you later !