It's time for a new hobby, and after taking a look at some flyers posted up around town
you decide that boxing is the perfect new activity for you.
Learning to throw and block punches to protect yourself in case you ever get into a fight
doesn't seem like a bad thing, and neither does the idea of getting into better shape
while you're at it!
Within hours you've signed up for your very first boxing lesson and are already in the
gym along with a few other new recruits.
The instructor wants to see what you've got though so he knows what he's working with,
so he slaps some headgear and a body protector on you and throws you into the ring.
Don't worry he says, you're only going to be facing off against the wife of one of the
boxing club's owners, and it's not a for-real sparring match, just to see what moves you
already know.
Not what you were expecting on your first day, but “maybe this is how things work
in boxing gyms” you think.
As she climbs into the ring she seems vaguely familiar, and makes you think about 70s sports
action movies for some reason.
You shrug away the thought and start your lesson, but as the bell rings to start the
round and you start heading out of your corner into the center of the ring, the next thing
you know you trip on your untied shoelace and fall forward face first!
As you fall though, you swing your arms out to catch yourself and your first connects
right with the woman's face, knocking out two of her front teeth completely by accident!
You're horrified as she starts crying, and then suddenly you hear it, a booming voice
coming from behind you...
“Ay yo Adrian! ...what's going on?!
Adrian!!”
That's when you realize who you've been sparring against- the wife of none other than world
heavyweight champion and commie-crusher extraordinaire, the pride of Philadelphia, Rocky Balboa!
Seeing that you've accidentally knocked her two front teeth out, Rocky roars in rage and
thrusts a finger in your direction- you and him officially have a date in the ring, and
it's not for the world heavyweight title, it's for your life!
So you decided that learning how to box would be a pretty cool thing to do but then inadvertently
punched the wife of 1970s sports action hero star Rocky Balboa in the face and knocked
her two front teeth out, and now the most feared boxer in the world wants to rip your
head off in the ring... how in the world are you going to defeat Rocky?
Standing five feet eleven inches.
Weighing in at two hundred and sixteen pounds.
Eighty one fights, fifty seven wins, a whopping fifty one of those wins by knockout.
Rocky Balboa needs no introduction, but just in case you have terrible taste in movies
and have never seen a single Rocky film, we'll give you a brief one..
Rocky grew up on the streets of Philadelphia, and was an amateur boxer by day and a leg-breaking
debt collector for criminal interests by night.
Not well-liked by people, Rocky was the local underdog, until one day the world heavyweight
champion, Apollo Creed, finds himself in need of a new opponent for a highly publicized
boxing match on New Year's Day, 1976, the year of the United States’ bicentennial.
Apollo thus decides he wants to give a local boxing underdog a shot, although he has no
expectation of losing his fight.
Rocky is then invited to prove himself in an unprecedented shot at the world title.
In front of thousands of screaming fans, Rocky and Apollo engage in a brutal boxing match
that pushes both men to their breaking points.
Apollo has superior technique and skill, but Rocky has an almost supernatural ability to
absorb punishment and keep pushing on.
Rocky's nose is broken and his eyes are swollen nearly shut, but Apollo suffers serious internal
bleeding and bruised ribs.
After fifteen grueling rounds, the judges call the match in favor of Apollo, but only
by the slimmest of margins.
From there Rocky would get another chance at the world title when Apollo Creed challenged
him to a rematch.
Unable to bear the media's claims that he only won because the judges gifted the more
famous champion a decision, Apollo runs a smear campaign against Rocky until Rocky finally
accepts a rematch.
Still the superior technical fighter, and with the lefthanded Rocky fighting right handed
to protect a detached retina which could cause him to go blind, Apollo gains a massive score
lead.
Ignoring his trainers who tell him to fight defensively in the fifteenth round and win
by points, Apollo insists on knocking Rocky out, and in the last few seconds both men
fall to the mat.
Rocky heroically picks himself up at the last second, with Apollo Creed suffering his first
ever KO.
From there Rocky would go on to defend his title against other boxing villains, including
his legendary match against the Soviet-engineered super-boxer, Ivan Drago, where he defeated
the Soviet Union's greatest boxer and ended the Cold War single handedly.
Good news for the western world!
The bad news for you is that you're up against the most feared boxing champion in world history,
and even worse news is that if Rocky loves anything more than boxing, its his wife- whose
teeth you knocked out with your ill timed stumble.
Now he's looking to not just remove your own two front teeth, but your very head from your
shoulders, and you've got thirty days to train to beat Rocky in a one on one deathmatch in
the ring.
The first thing you're going to have to work on if you want a chance at survival is your
diet.
Boxing heavyweight champion Andy Ruiz Jr who had his own Rocky-like underdog story when
he overcame thirty to one odds to win his own championship via TKO.
Even though he may not look like the most shredded fighter in the world, Ruiz is still
in amazing shape and has a very specific food regiment he sticks to every day when he is
training for a new fight, and you're going to be adopting his diet.
For breakfast he typically has a three-egg omelette with mushrooms, spinach and avocado.
Avocado is basically a superfood, but it's also rich in fat and so super-good about making
you fat if you just sit around all day.
If you don't like vegetables then you better get used to eating them, because vegetables
contain many vitamins and minerals essential to repairing damaged muscles and helping them
grow.
For lunch he has either a chicken salad or a chicken wrap, and the key here is that both
of these are heavier on lean chicken and accompanying vegetables than on thick, creamy dressing.
It does you no good to eat healthy if you're just going to drown your salads or wraps in
ten-thousand calories worth of ranch.
In between lunch and dinner or throughout the day, Ruiz enjoys servings of either nuts,
fruits, or another healthy wrap such as chicken and cucumber- once more though, light on the
dressing.
Finally for dinner, he has either steak, chicken, or fish, accompanied by pasta or rice.
Pasta here doesn't mean three-cheese tortellini, or a heaping slice of beef lasagna- but rather
simple pastas that are both light on the sauce and cheese.
The next thing is going to be to work on your cardio.
You're going to start running, and running a lot.
You want to be doing at minimum three miles a day- and that should be before breakfast.
Later in the evening, you want to be hitting the track or a treadmill and do another three
miles, alternating sprints with jogging.
Running may not make you hit harder or faster, but it will give you the endurance that you
need to go the distance.
It doesn't matter if you're able to knock someone's head off in one shot if you can't
last long enough to get that one shot.
To add to your cardio routine you're going to be doing all kinds of supplemental calisthenic
workouts, including jumping jacks, burpees, planks, and squats.
In the weight room you'll be working on a total-body workout, because punching power
doesn't just come from your arms and chest.
In fact a proper punch starts down in your legs, and a champion boxer can deliver power
from his leg muscles up through his lower back muscles and then to his arms and finally
his fist.
That's right, a good punch should be using up most of your body, and you should be twisting
your hips with each punch in order to channel power up your legs to your fist.
So don't make like most gym rats and simply work on your upper body, hiding your scrawny
legs under sweatpants- you're in it to win it, so you need to be hitting those squats
and leg lifts just as hard as the pull up bar and bench press.
Next you'll need to work on speed, which means its punching bag time.
You should be doing at least five minute full-power sessions with the punching bag, strengthening
the muscles in your forearms and arms to help make your guard strong.
You don't just want to be able to deliver bone-crushing punches, you want to make sure
that you're able to block them as well.
Think yoga is for hippy nerds?
Think again, because you're also going to be engaging in a whole lot of yoga.
Only we're not talking about the stuff your mom does before she goes namaste all over
her local starbucks, we're talking some seriously advanced yoga.
You're going to want to work on strengthening and lengthening your tendons all over your
body, and making sure that you increase your flexibility.
This is critical for boxers to avoid injury, and increased flexibility and stronger tendons
can even add to your reach.
All the working out is going to come with a risk of injury, so by working on your stretches
and starting a hardcore yoga routine you'll not only be helping prevent injury in the
ring, but injury during your training.
Finally it’s time for technique.
You decided to finally cash in those birthday checks that grandma has been sending you and
hire a real trainer.
Professional boxing trainers can cost in the tens of thousands of dollars, and luckily
grandma got a little confused on a few of the birthday checks and added some extra zeros
so we’re able to hire one of the best.
Most pros usually train at least six to eight weeks for a fight, but since we’ve only
got thirty days we’re going to focus on getting the basics down.
A quick jab, a strong cross, a crushing hook, and a solid guard.
So you've been hitting the gym for thirty days straight, working on your diet and your
yoga with so much devotion you could basically open your own inner-peace yoga studio, and
practicing technique every extra minute of the day- now it's time for fight night.
Time to fight for the title- or in this case, your very life.
You're gonna want to get amped, and hopefully you've been watching videos of Rocky's past
fights to learn his technique.
The most important thing to do though is to limit your fear response, and center yourself
mentally to a place where you are accepting of the physical abuse your body is inevitably
about to take.
Our brains naturally reel from the impact of an injury in order to keep us safe, but
in the ring the greatest secret to success, and certainly one that Rocky has mastered,
is the ability to know when to take a blow, so that you can deliver a devastating counterblow.
You're gonna have to psych yourself up and prepare to take a little damage- ok, a lot
of damage.
Now that you're in the ring, how are you going to beat Rocky?
Well, just like all boxers, that part's up to you.
We've been the man in your corner throughout this whole ordeal, and just like a great boxing
trainer we can prepare you physically and mentally as much as possible, but in the end
it's you that's gotta go toe to toe with the champ, and honestly we really prefer it that
way.
Hopefully you live to tell the tale, because even the Soviet Union's best sports medicine
scientists couldn't engineer a boxing champion tough enough to stand up to the Italian Stallion.
Don't worry though, we totally got your back- now if you'll excuse us we need to find a
bookie still taking last minute bets.
Oh yeah, we're definitely putting our money on you... we believe in you! (whisper) Psst,
hey, hundred bucks on Rocky...
How would you prepare to fight Rocky Balboa?
Other than preparing for a fight against a pro boxer, what's the toughest physical conditioning
you ever underwent?
Tell us in the comments!
Then go watch You vs The Terminator!
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