Mom?
I know who I am.
I love you... mother.
[whimpering]
What, you think I don't love you?
You never say it.
Well, it's not easy to say "I love you"
to a daughter who thinks I'm... you know, scummy.
[whimpering]
I don't think you're scummy... all the time.
Really?
Yeah, really.
- Blow the ram horn! - Blow the ram horn!
Good, good, lick faster!
- Drink stock water! - Stock water!
- No. - Fish to face!
Fish to face.
Say, "hi" to my twin sister, Melanie!
Hi, Melanie.
- Blow the ram's horn! - Ram's horn.
How could you make out with Freddie?
He's adorable.
I can't believe you two are sisters.
- Me either. - Me either.
- Dude, I-- - He told me I'm one of a kind.
Yes. And my dad once told my mom he was coming back.
So moving on.
You can't leave this place
without permission from a parent.
Dude, my mom's in Tijuana having laser hair removal.
Where's your father?
You tell me!
If my dad asked me to spend some time
with him in Italy, I'd say... well, first I'd say,
"Oh, so you're my dad"... and then I'd go.
See, my dad wants the contest to be a brain buster.
You know, something you really got to figure out.
Ah, like how many
of Sam's relatives are on parole?
Hey, don't go banging on my aunt Maggie, cousin Garth,
and Uncle Morris, alright?
isn't your Uncle Buzz on parole too?
- Look, Benson! - - What?!
[arguing] Stop it!
Uncle Carmine! H-H-Hey!
- 'Sup, Chaz? - Ah, the same ol'.
[laughing] Uh, this your, uh, new fella?
Oh, the BF?
Uh, yeah.
Freddie, this is my uncle Carmine
and my cousin Chaz.
Freddie Benson.
Delightful to meet you guys.
Hey, you just be good to our little Sammy.
Or we'll stab ya.
All over.
[laughing]
What up, party people?
Say, hello to my cousin, Annie.
Hi. I thought you said she was in jail.
On parole, baby.
Ready, Freddie?
Ready for what?
Annie's a tattoo artist.
Now, you can't have a real art exhibit
without music, right?
So, say, hello to Sam's cousin.
The ones who's not in jail.
Our friend,
Greg Patello!
[cheering]
Yeah!
Hey, Carly. Hi, Sam.
- Hey, Dude. - Hi, Greg.
Why don't you crank up that flute
and get us this art exhibit started?
- Yeah, baby. - Here we go.
How was that?
Boring.
Now show them how we do it iCarly style.
Hurry, Greg.
He's playing a flute...
- And beatboxing! - At the same time!
- All by himself! - My cousin has got talent!
Yeah, baby!
- Yeah! - Whoo!
It looks real.
Yeah, it's a real gigantic piece of plastic pie
with a camera lens on the side.
[laughing]
Ah, look it comes with a giant fork.
[laughing]
Give it! This is a quality piece of spy equipment.
My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that
and they're ridiculous.
Check out what I found!
What is that?
Looks like something my Aunt Maggie would cough up.
Well, she's a smoker!
- Better? - Way.
There. How do I look?
Chunky and lumpy.
[chuckles] Just like my Aunt Judy
before she got that operation.
She's from Uzbekistan, and she's blonde and tall
and pretty and fun
and smells like a fancy hotel bathroom!
My cousin Tanya smells like a gas station bathroom.
That's not the same thing.
Sam here yet?
Nah, she texted me from jail
and said she'd be a few minutes late.
Sam is in jail?
Nah, she's just visiting her cousin, Tanya.
Wow. Gib, this smells fantastic.
- Who gave you-- - Hey, shut up a sec.
So, listen, you know my cousin, Dominic?
The guy with a nose?
Yeah. His sister in law's father
owns a restaurant supply company.
He said he could hook us up with anything we need,
uh, menus, tables, kitchen appliances, food, meat,
shrimp, pasta, whatever we want, super cheap.
- That's awesome. - Mm-hmm.
And last but not least, my crazy grandmother,
who we call J-Mam-maw!
J-Mam-maw!
She's actually half horse.
What a man can't drive 90 minutes
to surprise his favorite grandkids, huh?
[chuckles]
How come my grandfather just sleeps and burbs?
'Cause he's related to you.
A heart like a bull.
That's what they said about Sam's great grandfather.
- But then he died. - Of a heart attack?
No wrestling a bull.
Okay, on screen, you see a pic of Carly...
And a pic of Sam's rabid cat.
[meowing] His name is Frothy.
What do you think, Sam?
I have more of that.
Then do it.
[growling]
[screaming]
When people think of you, they don't think of fighting
and pranks and vicious behavior.
But that's who you are.
You're lovable and vicious, like your rabid cat, Frothy.
You hear that, Shelby Marx?
I could kick your butt anytime, anywhere.
Let's go, Shelby.
[chuckles] She's just kidding.
Totally kidding.
Carly couldn't beat up my cat.
And her cat only has three legs. [chuckles]
Hey, Sam, remember when you were seven
and I told you that Fluffles ran away?
- Yeah. - I sold him.
Oh, my God.
You sold my bunny?
To foreigners.
[gasping]