principle one enhance your love Maps
happy couples are familiar with each
other's world they have a love map of
one another they know all the details
about their partner's life they know
each other's favorite TV show what their
current goals are and what stresses them
out without a love map you can't really
know your spouse and if you don't really
know someone
how can you truly love them to enhance
your love Maps find out what you don't
know about your partner by asking
questions here are some examples who we
are partners best friends who are the
relatives your partner likes the least
what is your partner's basic life
philosophy and are you familiar with
your partners hopes and aspirations it
can be easy to lose sight of your love
maps amongst the events in life that
require your attention such as work
family issues and other things but for a
healthy relationship it is essential
that you know each other's love Maps
principle to nurture your fondness and
admiration this is perhaps the most
important principle of all so pay
attention to nurture your fondness and
admiration for each other is to have a
positive view of each other a couple can
find out their current level of fondness
and admiration by seeing how they view
their past if they view it in a positive
light then they are likely to have a
bright future if they view it in a
negative light then they are in trouble
to nurture your fondness and admiration
Gottman stresses that appreciation is
essential write down three or more of
your partner's positive characteristics
along with an incident that illustrates
each quality then read your list to each
other for example if your partner did
something as simple as doing the dishes
instead of you show your appreciation by
thanking them for their kindness the
third principle is to turn toward each
other instead of a way it's a little
things that count to be a happy couple
turn toward each other by showing you
care you can do this through small acts
of giving your partner your full
attention play a board game together
shop for groceries or call each other
during the day these small acts are the
basis of connection and passion when
stress and conflict comes in the way of
happy couples they will have
more positivity in what Gottman calls
their emotional bank accounts which will
help alleviate their conflicts principle
4 let your partner influence you happy
couples work as a team and consider each
other's feelings and perspectives they
listen to each other and make decisions
together by searching out common grounds
Gottman identified that men are more
likely than women to ignore their
partner's perspective when tackling
problems together they exert too much
power and must be open to being
influenced by their partner's
perspective if they are to improve their
relationship it's not always the men
though the same message applies to women
as well for example if you want to spend
$10,000 on a new car and your partner
wants to spend it on a holiday then take
a deep breath and listen to each other
show empathy
don't criticize and really think about
your partner's viewpoint principle 5
solve your solvable problems Gottman
identifies two types of problems in
relationships solvable problems and
perpetual problems it can be hard to
tell the difference but one way to tell
is that solvable problems seem less
intense and gut-wrenching than perpetual
ones solvable problems are situational
and there's no underlying conflict an
example of a solvable problem is bill
and Sally agree that it's bills job to
take out the trash every evening after
dinner lately he's been distracted from
worker obligations and so he forgets
Sally ends up taking out herself or the
trash just sits there in the morning the
apartment smells horrible
and so Sally is angry this is a solvable
problem
he simply under a lot of stress at work
and it has nothing to do with the
underlying relationship issues one
possible solution is to put a sign on
the fridge door as a reminder to take
out the trash problem solved
here are five steps to solve a solvable
problem number one
soften your start up when bringing up an
issue be calm kind and don't criticize
number two make and receive repair
attempts when the argument is getting
out of hand let your partner know and
suggest taking a break 3 soothe yourself
and each other on your break go for a
walk
listen to some music read or meditate
for compromise Sharon consider each
other's viewpoints to come up with a
solution that works for both of you 5 be
tolerant of each other's faults if there
are incidents in the past that come up
in arguments identify them discuss them
and apologize when necessary so what
about perpetual problems well here's an
example of one Susan wants to spend less
time with Jim and more time with her
friends Jim says it makes him feel
lonely Susan says she needs time away
from him Jim seems needy to her and
she's feeling suffocated by him this is
a perpetual problem there is a core
difference in their personalities and
what they need from each other to feel
connected the difference is unlikely to
change so they will have to be willing
to accept and adapt to if they want
their relationship to thrive principle 6
overcome gridlock gridlock is a result
of perpetual disagreements where both
partners have entirely different beliefs
dreams or personalities Josie wants to
have children Harry doesn't Ben want
Sally to go to church with him but Sally
is an atheist Gottman claims these
issues are unlikely to be solved but you
can learn to accept and adapt to your
differences identify and respect each
other's dreams and beliefs you don't
have to agree with them but acknowledge
lesson and show respect to what your
partner has to say come up with a
temporary compromise and thank each
other for sharing the last principle is
to create shared meaning shared meaning
will enhance your marriage by bringing
you together here are two ways you can
create shared meaning one create rituals
of connection this could be anything
that brings you together that you do on
a regular basis such as sharing a
morning routine celebrating Easter each
year by going out as a family or eating
out together once a week
and number two work towards a common
goal such as helping the community
through volunteer work or building a
houseboat and now you don't have to go
building a houseboat but it can be any
goal that you both agree on that
involves both of you
you