- What would you guys like to hear a rap about?
Let's come to this kind of, if you're in this wedge here,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Mermaid breeding.
- Mermaid breeding!
Wow, that is, I mean you've got some fans
of that here down front.
Mermaid breeding?
That's an amazing suggestion.
Cool, you've set a high bar.
Um, people in this section here,
what do you want to rap about?
- [Different Audience Member] Pesticides.
- Pesticides, guys you're killing it so far!
Last week here, it was like dildos and tits,
but no, no one say dildos and tits.
Tits and dildos, you can't say that order either.
Mermaid breeding, pesticides.
Wow, are you involved in pesticides in any way?
- [Same Audience Member] I'm not allowed to talk about it.
- You're not allowed to talk about it.
Fuck, Monsanto in the building.
Pesticides, mermaid breeding so far.
These are great.
From here to here, what do you want to rap about?
- [Different Audience Member] Return policies.
- Return policies, ooh, yeah.
Is there a particular one that you are interested in?
'Cause some places have some baller return policies.
- [Same Audience Member] You're choice.
- My choice, that's so kind of you,
but really defeats the purpose of this whole
audience interaction segment.
- [Same Audience Member] Zappos.
- Zappos, is that a shoe brand?
- [Audience Members] Yes.
- Yeah so it's a shoe.
What is their return policy?
I've never ordered from Zappos.
- [Same Audience Member] 365 days.
- 3-6-5 days?
Wow!
Yeah, yeah a year yeah.
(audience laughter)
- Fuckin' rain man in front.
(audience laughter)
- [Same Audience Member] It's a year in the U.S.
- It's a year in the U.S., thank you for explaining.
It's like British people don't know dates.
Look, we know dates.
Americans you fuck up the date.
You put month first, rather than days.
Stupid, it should go day, month, year, ascending order.
But then, this is weird, right?
There's only one day of the year you say,
day, month, year: Fourth of July.
And that's Independence Day.
It's fuckin' ironic as shit.
You can't leave our country and keep our date.
It's my date.
Zappos, mermaid breeding, pesticides.
Zappos insurance, err return policy.
Uh, guys over here, what do you want to rap about?
- [Different Audience Member] Donald Trump.
- [Chris] Donald Trump, gets shouted out all the time,
I'm afraid, so I can't take that suggestion.
- [Different Audience Member] Goatees.
- [Chris] Goatees? Yes, amazing!
Just to clarify, you mean the chin furnishings?
- [Same Audience Member] Ew.
- [Chris] Ew, thank you.
Are you not a fan of goatees?
(audience laughter)
Okay, cool, cool.
Goatees, guys over here, you have the,
the privilege of the final suggestion.
What is it going to be?
- [Different Audience Member] Answering machine.
- [Chris] Answering machine?
Yeah, were prepped for that, that was good.
Just straight casual as well, just chin on hand,
answering machine, yeah, I got this.
(audience laughter)
Okay, so mermaid breeding, pesticides,
Zappos return policy, answering machine,
and what was that other one again?
- [Audience] Goatees.
- [Chris] Goatees, how could I forget about that?
Okay this then, lovely people of the Comedy Cellar,
to close it out with some real panache and pizazz.
Someone over there just went, oh my god.
Did you think I was gonna do all that and then be like,
well good night.
No, no!
I'm living my dream, mother fucker.
This is,
I got a sold out show and we can lock the door,
this is gonna be a rap, it's gonna be a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot,
based entirely on those suggestions.
It is not written, it is not prepared,
and do not worry, it will not be as shit
as you might expect it to be.
If we could drop that beat, let's show 'em how we do.
(audience cheers)
I'm gonna roll up my sleeves, slightly.
(audience laughter)
Can we drop that and pump it?
Shoulda done a sound check really,
that's what Kanye would have done.
(audience laughter)
Wow, we built up that energy.
It's going to be awkward if you've locked my iPhone.
I'm going to have to be like here's the number,
zero zero zer- it's not that.
It's actually three six five, which is a year.
Also, that rain man joke I made before,
I hope you don't-
- [Sound Technician] It's locked.
It's locked, okay.
No, no, just (long beep)
(audience laughter)
(beep)
Trying to figure out what it is?
Oh (beep)
and that's shit.
Look, right, I know I said that rain man joke earlier,
but (stammers) (Sinatra music)
it was not that.
Yeah some Sinatra rap mofos.
Ooh, the Rap Pack, that would be good wouldn't it?
I wanted before we start, I made that joke about rain man,
I don't want to seem offensive to anyone with Asperger's,
my brother has Asperger's so, very intelligent man.
If you give him a Rubik's Cube, takes him like 12 seconds,
to say thank you.
See you wouldn't have got that joke if the rap
had started on time, would you?
Right, let's remind ourselves what the rap is about.
It's about mermaid breeding, pesticides,
Zappos return policy, goatees and answering machine.
Let's do this, let's hope it's ready,
let's drop that beat and let's show 'em how we do.
Ah!
(audience laughter)
It's good when it happens.
It's gonna be real good.
- [Audience Member] Should we pay?
- Someone over there, "should we pay"?
Now, (laughs) feels like this is going on for a long time.
(audience laughter)
Anyone play piano?
(audience laughter)
B-beat box? (laughs)
Oh, we got the other sound guy, okay, wow,
this is, really, it's not as good as this build up
is making it, that's the problem.
(audience laughter)
[Ian Fidance] It is, it is! I've seen it a million times
this week, it's fuckin' incredible.
- But that makes it sound like it's the same suggestions,
Ian, it sounds like I'm just paying all these
mother fuckers to say the same words over and over again.
It sucks? (laughs)
(audience laughter)
See, the thing is, that Asperger's one's probably my
best joke, so I can't really top that now.
I'm taking a break from Karate lessons.
(background music)
It's a hi-ya-tus. (laughs)
Okay, let's do this!
I love this.
This is gonna be so cool.
We're gonna start with you and then
we'll work our way around.
♪ I like a fine bitch with her legs splayed ♪
♪ This one got a fin and a tail, a mermaid ♪
♪ No vagina, so no menstrual bleeding ♪
♪ How the fuck are these mermaids even breeding? ♪
♪ They got eggs, they maybe got a womb ♪
♪ I've never dissected one, I must assume ♪
♪ The merman comes over, ♪
♪ Yeah we've all seen he's still got a tail ♪
♪ Merman, no penis. ♪
♪ Maybe they just rub it together ♪
♪ The fish scales getting friction tanned leather. ♪
♪ Seeing Ariel and King Triton ♪
♪ That's mermaid incest, it's not a nice one. ♪
♪ Yo, Poseidon, he's the lord of the seas. ♪
♪ I like to go to my lawn, you can all see ♪
♪ I go there, I keep the weeds outside ♪
♪ Because I like to grow with the pesticides ♪
♪ I use Roundup, that's a weedkiller spray ♪
♪ Rap from a man who's slick as Dre ♪
♪ I keep the lawn down the weeds are dying ♪
♪ If you got a bit of fruit you better start crying ♪
♪ After you washing it cause the pesticides are there ♪
♪ When you bite into the apple you take care ♪
♪ They dip them in wax and other little things ♪
♪ Chemical, tugging at your heartstrings. ♪
♪ I've so many footwear for me to choose, ♪
♪ I can't pick the favorites so I get the shoes ♪
♪ From Zappos, they are better than Costco ♪
♪ Their shoes are shit made by Kirkland a lot go ♪
♪ With Zappos, you can send 'em right back. ♪
♪ I've got the whole gamut of colors white to black. ♪
♪ Yeah, tan ones as well and yellow and red ♪
♪ These are from Adidas ♪
♪ Yeah people always said go to Zappos not Adidas ♪
♪ You can return them for longer ♪
♪ Three - six - five days a year that's a mind ♪
♪ That stronger than anyone I've ever seen ♪
♪ Moving on out, here I'm keepin' it clean. ♪
♪ I can't grow a beard, there's nothing on there ♪
♪ You can't see a sliver of facial hair ♪
♪ But even if I did, I think we would all agree ♪
♪ No man should ever wear a goatee ♪
♪ You look so weird, half your face complete ♪
♪ You look like that guy from The Backstreet ♪
♪ Boys, with the black chin fluff ♪
♪ If you've got a goatee, shave it off ♪
♪ You need to get rid of it ♪
♪ Get it outta there, I wanna see your chin ♪
♪ I wanna see it bare ♪
♪ And if you do the shit with the sideburns ♪
♪ Nah get a better stylist, try one ♪
♪ You gotta earn better, yeah I love the Queen ♪
♪ Call her up like Lizzie, but I get the machine ♪
♪ I keep fresh and never with malice ♪
♪ The answering machine in Buckingham Palace says ♪
♪ One's not here, leave a message at the beep ♪
♪ I am the queen, my son likes sheep ♪
♪ Cause he's the Prince of Wales ♪
♪ That's the link there, I always kind of get annoyed ♪
♪ I'm always so aware of my voice, self aware ♪
♪ When I leave the outgoing ♪
♪ Messages, I try and rap I try to keep it flowing. ♪
♪ The people call up and it makes them weak ♪
♪ And so I just say my name Chris and then there's the beep. ♪
(audience cheers)
- Thank you very much guys, I'm Chris Turner.