-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here! You made it.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, I want to say congrats
to the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Rams
on advancing to Super Bowl LVI.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow! -Before the season,
the Bengals' odds of winning the Super Bowl were 150-1.
-Ooh. [ Laughter ]
To give you an idea, there are better odds
of finding a rapid test at CVS. -Really?
[ Laughter ] Than going to the Super Bowl.
-Wow! [ Applause ]
-That's true. [ Cheers and applause ]
"I'm sorry." -"Nope."
-"Nope."
And this is crazy. The Super Bowl is being played
in Los Angeles at the Rams' home stadium.
[ Cheers ]
That's right.
Even NFL players are working from home.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. We're two weeks away
from the game, and experts are wondering,
if a Super Bowl doesn't have Tom Brady,
can it still be called the Super Bowl?
I don't know. [ Laughter ]
I don't know.
But this is the Bengals first Super Bowl appearance
since the '80s. -Ooh.
-A lot has changed since then.
Back then, inflation was high, there was tension with Russia,
and our president was in his late 70s.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and I saw that during the Bengals/Chiefs games --
This just made me laugh.
Did you see the announcements over at CBS?
-Oh, yeah. -They have a great crew.
They're awesome over there. But at CBS, they're doing
the halftime, talking about the stats and all that stuff.
But they were just in the worst spot
you could possibly be on the field to talk.
But take a look at the halftime report.
Look at this.
-...as we welcome Grammy-nominated
singer-songwriter Walker Hayes!
-...this game... [ Country music plays loudly ]
They score, they go down... [ Country music plays loudly ]
-At what point do you consider blitzing Patrick Mahomes?
-I have no idea what you just said.
I can't hear a thing anybody is saying.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
The speakers are right behind them!
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's the first football game where the announcers
got concussions. Unbelievable.
[ Laughter ]
You know the closed-captioning guy was in a white-hot panic,
like, "I can't -- I don't -- I don't know what to --"
[ Laughter ]
It sounds like when your friend calls you from every concert.
Like, "Man, it's great! Yeah!"
[ Laughter ]
When the music stopped, Boomer Esiason
was still yelling at full volume.
"And that's why Mahomes has to have more of a running game!"
They go... [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the big football story form this weekend
wasn't the games.
On Saturday, ESPN reported that Tom Brady is retiring.
But then -- [ Cheers ]
But then, conflicting reports came out
that said Brady hasn't decided yet.
[ Laughter ]
This is what happens when you let the CDC
announce your retirement. [ Laughter ]
You just don't know -- [ Cheers and applause ]
6 feet, 3 feet, 5 days...
[ Applause ]
Brady was like, "I just wanted to see who was happy
so I can destroy them." [ Laughter ]
Let's switch gears. Over the weekend,
former president Trump held a rally in Texas
where he talked about running for President
and said that if he won,
he might pardon the January 6th rioters.
[ Audience groans ]
Even the rioters were like, "Oh, no,
I don't think he can say that." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, there's no way -- no better way to announce
a presidential run than saying, "I'll empty the jails."
[ Laughter ]
Well, the East Coast is recovering
from a massive blizzard that hit this weekend.
Boston actually got one of its biggest snowstorms ever,
but that didn't stop people from going out.
Watch this.
-Have you heard the news about Tom Brady?
-Yes. -What do you make of all that?
-I don't know. I don't know.
Is Gronk next then, I guess?
-I thought he had a couple more years, maybe.
-Where are you guys trying to go right now?
-We're trying to find an open Dunkin' Donuts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Rim shot ] -Can't find them.
-Come on! -No, dude --
-Come on! -That's real.
-Oh, my God.
-We did not do anything to that tape.
That is real. [ Laughter ]
Tom Brady, Dunkin' Donuts.
If they snuck in David Ortiz,
they would have summoned the ghost of Sam Adams.
[ Laughter and applause ]
How Boston is that? Fantastic.
[ Applause ]
You might have a problem when you're willing to put on
ski goggles just to get a pineapple Coolatta.
[ Laughter ]
But they weren't the only ones
who braved the weekend's blizzard.
I saw that a couple in Rhode Island
actually got married outside during the storm.
Here's the happy couple there right there.
Yeah. And this is real.
Here's everyone who showed up to the wedding.
[ Laughter ]
You know it's cold when your "something blue"
are your guests. [ Laughter ]
And finally, a man who lives on a lake in Canada
snapped a photo of a figure that formed when waves
splashed onto the shore and froze around a lamp post.
People are saying it looks like the Grim Reaper.
Take a look at this.
-Ooh. [ Audience "Oohs" ]
-Everyone thought it was the Grim Reaper
until they heard grandpa whisper, "Help. Help me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, did you guys hear about the Nissan recall?
It's not good. Here, check this out.
-A massive recall alert to tell you about.
Nissan is recalling more than 793,000
small SUVs in the U.S. because water can get into the wiring
and, in rare cases, could start a fire.
-What?
[ Cheers and applause ]
A fire?
-Oh, hey, it's Tariq Trotter, everybody.
Tariq! [ Cheers and applause ]
What are you doing out here?
Your interview isn't until later in the show?
-Well, no, I just bought a Nissan,
so I heard you talking about it, and I rushed out here.
-Yeah, well, sorry about the recall.
-It's fine. Look, I still have my trusty Hyundai.
It's one of their newer vehicles.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-"Oh" what?
-Roll the clip.
-Hyundai sounds the alarm about three of its newer vehicles.
There's an issue with the windshield
that can cause it to break off while driving.
[ Laughter ]
-Break off?
Come on, that's insane.
-Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Tariq.
-Man, I can't handle any more bad news.
-There's got to be something that you're looking forward to.
-I mean, I am excited for lunch tomorrow.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, I bought a bunch of this
really good vegan mac and cheese.
[ Laughter ]
It's in my pantry.
-And check your pantry.
It's listed as vegan mac and cheese,
but it's not actually vegan, and it might even be dangerous.
[ Laughter ]
-Dangerous?
-You should probably throw it out.
-What else do I even have in my kitchen right now?
Just a bag of frozen chopped spinach.
-Recall alert -- this time for frozen chopped spinach.
-Come on. You know what?
Forget it. I'm just gonna sit back
and relax on my new beach chair.
I got one in light blue and another one in red.
-We've got a recall alert in that specific beach chair.
Where you probably bought it,
and why you should stop using it.
-Man, I'm getting so mad! Man, I just want to --
I just want to take a chainsaw and go berserk.
-Well, wait, wait! Hold up.
What kind of chainsaw? [ Laughter ]
-Well, I have a Dewalt DWCS600 18-inch corded chainsaw.
-More than 8,000 Dewalt DWCS600 18-inch corded chainsaws
are being recalled.
-That's it, man! I'm done!
I am done! [ Chainsaw motor whirring ]
-Tariq -- Tariq is gonna cool down before his interview.
His musical, "Black No More," is playing now
though February 27th
at the Pershing Square Signature Center.
Stick around. We'll be right back,
with "Puppy Predictors."