-Welcome, everybody. Welcome. Have a seat, enjoy yourself.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Thank you for watching.
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
You can feel that energy. I love it.
Well, guys, today, President Biden
held a meeting with the C.E.O.s of Amazon, Apple, and Microsoft
to discuss the growing threat of cyberattacks and data leaks.
They've got their work cut out for them,
because right before the meeting,
you could hear a voice say,
[ Russian accent ] "Ready when you are."
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, it was a good meeting, although Biden's at that age
where he puts the word "the" before anything tech-related,
like, "I order from the Amazon all the time.
I just type it into the Google."
At 78, Biden might not seem like the right guy
to handle this, but trust me, no one is better equipped
at stopping leaks.
-Ah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you.
-Depend. -Here's some big news.
Today, Johnson & Johnson announced that a booster shot
of their vaccine provides a robust increase in antibodies.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's kind of like Chef Boyardee saying,
"Our new sauce is robust in flavor."
Well, guys, if doctors aren't busy enough,
they're now dealing with the latest online trend.
Listen to this.
-There is another dangerous Internet challenge
that people should be watching out for.
-It's something called the Milk Crate Challenge.
Doctors warn it could land you on a trip to the E.R.
-Half of Americans said, "Of course,"
while the other half said,
"It's my choice, and I want to do my own research."
No. Don't do that.
Seriously, imagine surviving a global pandemic,
then having your family find out it's the Milk Crate Challenge
is what got you.
Some business news.
Today, OnlyFans decided to drop their plan
to ban sexually explicit content.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -Wow!
Whole corner of them. -Yeah.
So, between this and the new "Spider-Man" trailer,
what a week for teenage boys.
You know what I'm saying? [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right -- OnlyFans will
keep allowing sexually explicit content.
Thank goodness, because without this,
who knows where you'd be able to find that stuff online.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, get this -- I saw that you can rent a vacation cabin
in Oklahoma that's completely decked out with Nerf toys.
Check this out.
-Ooh!
-Yeah.
Yeah, it's great if you're training your kid
to be the next John Wick.
It's like 30 guns.
And, finally, as part of their new fall menu,
Starbucks has added a new drink, the Apple Crisp Macchiato.
In response, the Pumpkin Spice Latte was like,
"Oh, it's on.
Let's go."
Hey, I just wanted to say congrats to Olivia Rodrigo.
Spotify just named her song "good 4 u"
as the official song of the summer.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
Good for her.
-I thought it was "good 4 u."
-Right, but good for her for being named song of the summer.
-Hmm.
Olivia Rodrigo.
-Yes.
-And she did that song about the actor she broke up with?
-It's just rumors.
-I thought "Rumors" was Lizzo.
-"Rumors" is Lizzo and Cardi B.
You're thinking of "drivers license."
-So "driver's license" is rumors?
-A little bit. -Song by Nelly.
-No, no, "Lil Bit" is by Florida Georgia Line with Nelly.
-But "drivers license" is rumors?
-Correct.
-And "Rumors" is "drivers license"?
-No. "Rumors" is Lizzo.
-Are you sure "Rumors" isn't Fleetwood Mac?
-It's a different "Rumours."
We're talking about
"drivers license" by Olivia Rodrigo.
-Oh, wow, déjà vu.
-"Deja vu" is also Olivia Rodrigo.
Higgins, we can't keep doing this.
-Bad habits?
-Ed Sheeran. Can we move on?
-Sure. Don't let me hold you up.
-Hey, whoa, whoa!
Hey, Higgins, what are you eating there?
-Butter.
-Higgins, Higgins, that's really not --
-Not what?
-Good for you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-That's what you pay to...
-Yeah.
-You aren't going to Cape It, are you?
-No. You think I should?
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
-I haven't put a cape on in a -- Well...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I haven't put a cape on in a while.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-♪ Capes ♪
♪ Capes ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, capes ♪
-Guys, it's hard to believe that it's been over a year and a half
since we all got on Zoom, and, yet, some people
are still getting the hang of it,
even people on the news.
So you know what that means.
It's time for another installment of
"Greatest Moments in Zoom History."
Enjoy. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Kelsey is with us this morning. Kelsey, good morning.
Oh, can we not hear him? -Can you hear him?
-I can't hear him. -I can't hear him either.
-Uh-oh. Are you on mute?
-There we go.
-We had you for a second. Nope.
-[ Speaking native language ]
♪♪
[ Speaking native language ]
-Kids do it -- YouTube kits do it,
and the BBC are also now embracing this.
Why -- I apologize for my cat's tail.
Why are you not doing this by default?
-That dude vaping in bed? -Vaping. Vaping in bed.
-There you have it.