♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
Today is Halloween,
so if you like jump scares, ghouls, and goblins,
then you just have to wait eight more days.
[ Light laughter ]
Until that.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden early voted over the weekend in Delaware
because people his age do everything early.
Voting two weeks before the election, dinner at 4:30.
Hell, his luggage is already packed for Christmas vacation.
[ Light laughter ] That's right.
President Biden voted over the weekend,
and in the interest of bipartisanship,
he voted for everyone.
[ Laughter ]
"I like them all. They're all good fellas."
[ Light laughter ]
Tesla's CEO Elon Musk last week
completed the $44 billion deal to take control of Twitter.
And meanwhile, a lot of his customers are still
trying to take control of their Teslas.
[ Laughter ]
After completing the purchase of Twitter on Thursday,
Elon Musk sent a tweet directed
at the social media company's advertisers
and said the platform
"obviously cannot become a free-for-all hellscape."
No, but it could stay that.
[ Laughter ]
During last week's Pennsylvania Senate debate,
Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz said
that he thought the decisions about abortion
should be left up to "women, doctors,
local political leaders."
Though to be fair, in some cases,
that local political leader may be the father.
[ Laughter ]
Just statistically...
[ Laughter ]
President Biden is reportedly considering a plan to
use Guantanamo Bay to house Haitian migrants.
Unfortunately he's going to have to wait
another few days to move them in.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, yesterday was National Candy Corn Day,
which makes today national
"there's still plenty of candy corn day."
There is only one week left until the midterms.
Said Biden, "Um, cocaine is legal?"
President Biden yesterday suggested a tax on
oil and gas companies if they do not increase production,
because if anyone's concerned about energy prices,
it's the guy who probably keeps the thermostat at 78.
New York governor Kathy Hochul is set to hold a rally
on Thursday with Hillary Clinton.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?",
said Hillary Clinton.
President Biden spoke today in Florida about
the importance of Social Security and Medicare,
while Republicans promised seniors
they'd just give them that pool from "Cocoon."
A very, very fresh reference to the film "Cocoon."
The New York City Council last week
passed the so-called Rat Action Plan
that aims to reduce the number of rodents
within the five boroughs.
I guess they didn't have any luck with their previous plan
of piling as much garbage on the sidewalk as possible.
Come on, guys!
Whose plan was that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Was -- Be honest.
Did a rat give you that plan?
"Uh...
he was a little fella."
CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky,
over the weekend, tested positive again
for the coronavirus.
So, as per CDC recommendations, she's taking a half-day.
In a recent interview, singer Kid Rock said that
he would like to have a beer with
former president Barack Obama
despite not liking his policies or voting for him.
In fact, Barack Obama doesn't even need to be there.
He'll just take that beer, please.
Utah Senator Mitt Romney posted a picture yesterday
on Twitter of himself dressed as Mario for Halloween,
because the scariest thing he could think of
is a foreigner taking our plumbing jobs.
A man in South Africa recently broke a Guinness World Record
by doing 19 consecutive backbends in one minute.
Said the man, "Uh, right, yeah, setting a world record.
Uh, yeah, that's what I was trying to do."
[ Laughter ]
If you're wondering what that joke means,
Mike Scollins wrote it.
Just work backwards from that.
And, finally, Netflix's ad-supported plan
will launch this week for just under $7 a month,
though it will be free for everyone on
the dad-supported plan.
Somehow, that's a dad joke at the same time.
"Are you still on my dad-supported?"
Literally, like, what my dad would call me up and say.
"You know they're doing ad-supported.
Not you, though. You're on the dad-supported."
President Biden criticized the GOP yesterday and said,
"This ain't your father's Republican Party."
Yeah, this one definitely feels more like your uncle's.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden also said that next week's midterms are
the "most important election of our lifetime,"
and that's saying something, coming from a guy who, maybe,
voted for Lincoln?
[ Laughter ]
President Biden warned yesterday
that Republican Senator Rick Scott wants
to cut Social Security and Medicare, and added,
"Hot damn, boy!"
By the way, using the phrase "Hot damn, boy,"
instantly qualifies you for Medicare.
[ Laughter and applause ]
At a campaign stop in Wisconsin, Republican Senator Ron Johnson
said that he is not sure if he will accept the results
of next week's midterm elections, and added,
"Do Democrats have something up their sleeves?"
Have you met Democrats?
They famously have nothing up their sleeve.
[ Laughter ]
The best they can manage is
a quarter behind the ear.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new poll,
just 10% of voters under the age of 40
strongly approve of President Biden,
but mostly because people under 40
don't really feel strongly anymore.
[ Laughter ] Dave, your house is on fire!
"Alright, man, I don't know."
[ Laughter ]
Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack
told reporters yesterday that the country is facing
a turkey shortage. Oh, no!
You mean we might not get to have
the world's driest meat this Thanksgiving?
What's next, a shortage on the raisins that ruin stuffing?
[ Laughter ]
Under a new pay transparency law that took effect yesterday,
New York City employers are now required
to disclose salary ranges in all job listings,
which was a humiliating way
to find out Wally makes more than me.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A fire broke out early yesterday
at New York City's Museum of Natural History
and took about an hour to contain.
It took so long because none of the rescue personnel
could figure out where they were on the free map.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Starbucks will begin offering its holiday drink cups tomorrow.
That story again -- tomorrow marks the start
of the war on Christmas.
"Plain red?!
[ Laughter ]
Do Jesus and Santa know about this?!"
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, according to new reports,
staff morale at CNN is at an all-time low
as the network undergoes a cost-cutting overhaul.
In related news, get ready for the new season of...
[ Laughter ]
President Biden spoke last night about the upcoming
midterm elections and said, quote, "In our bones,
we know democracy is at risk."
And you know the president is old when he gets his best intel
from his bones.
Ah, knee's acting up, I feel a veto coming on.
President Biden urged voters in his speech last night
to stand up for democracy and said that Americans don't settle
political differences, quote, "With a riot or a mob
or a bullet or a hammer."
We don't?
Because if not, that's a weirdly specific list.
That's like if your wife asked if you were cheating
and you said, "I don't even think Rebecca's that sexy,
and I certainly wouldn't meet up with her
at the Hotel Radisson Airport."
I put all the word in a different order.
I wanted to see if it worked, if you put them all
in a different word.
That's how you say it, right?
The Hotel Radisson Airport.
Alex -- he's our director -- can you just cut it up
and move all the words around in post?
Problem solved. [ Laughs ]
In a new interview, Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker
said that he has a better résumé
than Former President Barack Obama.
Really? It's better than Former President Barack Obama?
The only thing your résumé has that his doesn't is typos.
CNN released a new poll yesterday that suggests
Democrats may be facing an enthusiasm problem
ahead of next week's midterm elections,
which explains this here sticker.
Former President Trump is reportedly considering
the two-week stretch after the midterm elections
as a window to formally announce he's running for president
in 2024.
Oh, right before Thanksgiving? Awesome.
Are you also gonna announce that Aunt Lisa and her friend
aren't just roommates?
Elon Musk tweeted yesterday, quote...
For instance, it could mean you're the president.
SpaceX this week launched its Falcon Heavy,
which is the most powerful rocket in the world,
but I don't know how safe it is, considering SpaceX is, I guess,
Elon Musk's third priority.
Who starts a space program in their spare time?
NASCAR driver Ross Chastain qualified
for a championship race over the weekend
after performing a wall-riding maneuver
that he claimed to have learned from a Nintendo GameCube
video game as a child.
Even crazier, Denny Hamlin moved into fifth place
after throwing a red shell at the driver in front of him.
Two chefs in Boston recently set a Guinness World Record
by assembling a sushi roll that was over seven feet wide.
Now for the sad news.
[ Laughter ]
We realized the real problem with that joke
is Shamu died like 20 years ago, right?
[ Laughter ]
Don't eat other sushi.
And finally Dunkin' Donuts is now offering its holiday menu
which includes a pancake Wake-Up Wrap
that's filled with eggs, American cheese,
and sausage or bacon.
The part they don't tell you is where you'll wake up.
And that was the monologue, everybody.
♪♪