Thanks to this pandemic,
government officials are highly strung.
They have to keep people indoors,
they have to keep hospitals running,
and they have to take all their bribes over Venmo,
which is really tough, because you have to write
in the memo what the money is for.
Well, this week in Kentucky, the governor was busy
trying to stop unemployment scams,
and in the process, he made an unlikely discovery.
Unfortunately, um,
it's gonna take a little bit of time on these
because a couple of bad apples can make, uh,
this challenge that much more difficult.
For instance, we had somebody apply for unemployment
for Tupac Shakur here in Kentucky.
And that person probably thought they were being funny.
I didn't know-- um, and it's my fault--
uh, that we have a Kentuckian who goes by Malik
whose name is Tupac Shakur.
Ooh.
Yeah, that was, um... That...
This is a tough one, really, because I...
Like, think about it. On the one hand,
on the one hand, the governor should know
that it's possible for two people
to have the same name.
But on the other hand,
if the person you share a name with is Tupac Shakur,
at least throw in a middle initial
so that people don't get confused.
I mean, why do you think Michael B. Jordan has the "B"?
It's so that no one is ever disappointed to see him.
"Oh, it's you."
Like, I got to assume
that if your name is Tupac Shakur,
this probably happens to you every single day of your life.
You know, putting your order in at Starbucks,
ordering food delivery,
and good luck calling 911.
"Hello, 911? Please help me.
I've just been shot."
"Okay, sir. We're sending someone immediately.
What's your name?"
"It's Tupac Shakur."
"Very funny, sir.
I'll put out an APB on The Notorious B.I.G."
Moving on. After all the coronavirus shutdowns
have ended,
what's the first thing you plan to do?
Hmm? You gonna go to a concert?
Gonna reunite with your friends? Divorce your children?
Well, when the lockdown ended in New Zealand,
the first thing many people did
was hit up McDonald's.
Yeah. When McDonald's opened around the country this week,
people lined up at 5:00 a.m.,
and the lines were so long
that they stretched all the way down the street.
And I just love how coronavirus
has made people reassess their priorities.
All those juice cleanses
and healthy life crap are out the window.
People are like, "Get me a Big Mac and some cocaine.
I'm living my life."
Although I'm willing to bet that some people
were just driving up for the social interaction.
"Uh, no, thanks. I don't want anything.
"I just, uh, wanted to talk to another human being.
This is really nice."
Beep, beep!
"Come on, asshole. Move it along."
"Oh, wow, two conversations at once.
This is a dream come true."
Now, here in America,
the lockdowns have not ended in many places,
so many people have had to find new ways
to keep themselves entertained in quarantine.
And because the Met Gala
was supposed to take place next Monday,
fashion fans have started recreating
famous outfits from the event at home.
Yeah. One person made
the Rihanna dress out of newspaper.
Another person decided to go with chandelier Katy Perry.
And, you know, what's cool is that this is a challenge
that anyone can participate in,
because if you put any household object on your head,
the chances are someone wore it at some point
to the Met Gala.
So, yeah. This year, that's what people are doing.
Because of coronavirus,
people are wearing Met Gala outfits at home
as opposed to what I did last year,
where I wore a home outfit to the Met Gala.
I see what you say about me, Internet,
and it hurts my feelings.
In some more good news,
the world was not destroyed today.
Yes, an asteroid as wide as 20 city blocks
zoomed past planet Earth this morning.
And scientists say it could have even come closer,
but luckily, it respects social distancing.
Thank God that the asteroid missed us,
because, uh, the world ending during quarantine
would have really sucked.
That'd be the most boring way for us to go out.
You can't cross anything off your bucket list
when you're stuck at home.
"I'm finally gonna mix orange juice and milk.
Aah!"
And, lastly, while an asteroid was whizzing past the Earth,
the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds
paid a special visit to New York.
Even if you didn't see it, you may have heard
the rumble of the flyover yesterday
from the Blue Angels and the Thunderbirds.
The flyover was done as a tribute
to frontline workers fighting coronavirus in the city.
Seven Blue Angels jets and eight Thunderbirds planes
started their trip over the city at around noon.
This event turned out to be a magnet for crowds
at a time when we are telling people
not to gather in groups.
Oh, no. What have you done?
What have we done?
To celebrate the work we've done fighting coronavirus,
we all went outside together
and undid all the work we've done fighting coronavirus.
(screams softly)
You know what? I blame the military for this one.
What did they expect people to do?
If you do cool shit outside,
people are gonna come outside
'cause they want to see what's happening.
What's your next bright idea, huh?
Is the military gonna hire Channing Tatum
to walk around in a Speedo just like,
"Just wanted to tell everyone to stay inside.
"No, no. No. Why are you coming to look?
"There's nothing to see here. Nothing sexy at all.
"Please, stay away.
It's just me, Magic Mike."
I mean, the military was basically
doing doughnuts in the sky.
Of course New Yorkers are gonna go outside and see it.
That's impossible to resist.
If cool shit is happening in the sky, you want to see it.
This is the same way the military got Saddam Hussein.
"Oh, wow. Is that a helicopter? I want to see.
Open the bunker. Open the bunker."
"No, Saddam!"