- I'll divide the room up into segments.
Everyone gets a fair go.
If you are on this half of the room, but on a white chair,
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Houses of Hogwarts!
- There were two.
So you said houses of Hogwarts,
and you said?
- [Audience Member] Periscope.
- Periscope. Cool.
I like both of those.
Person who said houses of Hogwarts,
you're not on a white chair, are you?
- [Audience Member] No.
- No, that's fine. (audience laughing)
That means that when I was going to come
to people on stools, sorry, people on stools.
That very rude man has already taken your suggestion.
(audience laughing)
Usually I would forbid it, but it's quite a good suggestion.
I like it.
Periscopes and houses of Hogwarts.
Do you know your house?
- [Audience Member] Gryffindor.
Yeah, mate, everyone thinks
they're fucking Gryffindor, right?
(audience laughing)
This woman down the front went,
"Too slow. Classic Hufflepuff."
(audience laughing)
"Don't tell them the truth. A Gryffindor!"
Cool. I'm a, if you're interested, double Slytherin.
By double Slytherin I mean I took
the sorting hat test twice.
Once, and then once after they kind of rejected it.
Still Slytherin both times,
which, as a real Slytherin, proud to admit that fact.
So, fuck you fake Gryffindor.
Right.
Person who said periscope,
do you have any special connection to that word?
Are you a submariner?
- [Audience Member] I fix them.
- You fix 'em!
Jesus fucking Christ, you're awesome.
Where are you?
Hello there.
You have really long arms as well.
Is that 'cause you stay on land
when they're down there?
You just have to kind of reach in and...
"I think I've cleaned it."
How do you
What can go wrong in a periscope?
In my head, the obviously, the mechanism of it
going up and down, the angle of the mirrors
interior to the periscope.
Are periscopes done with mirrors?
Probably not anymore.
- [Audience Member] There is one mirror.
- There is one mirror? Okay, cool.
But like, it's probably more a camera that's at the top?
A prism? Oh, it is a prism.
Ooh. Fucking cool, mate.
(audience laughing) Let's hang out afterwards.
Usually I'm like, "Hey, after the show,
"if you want to hang out, get a photo, that's cool."
Nah, I'm gonna be talking to this guy about prisms.
Prisms and Hogwarts houses.
People on the chairs on this side,
what do you wanna rap about?
- [Audience Member] Lint under the fridge.
Lint under the fridge.
I'm going to clarify.
You mean lint, L-I-N-T,
not L-I-N-D-T the, the chocolate brand?
(audience laughing)
You don't know?
That's a, do you know the alle--
(faint replying)
Yeah, maybe. That's a...
What are your favorite Lindts? Like, which one?
Do you like the dark chocolate,
The white chocolate, the milk chocolate?
Did you not kn--
Normal? Okay, cool.
I think you didn't know there were
other types of Lindt.
(audience laughing)
Lindt Lindor comes in many different varieties.
I recommend, if you like white chocolate,
the white chocolate one is very sumptuous and velvety.
So, lint under the fridge.
Maybe lint without a D, maybe Lindt with a D.
Guys on the stools on this side or standing,
what you want to hear rap about?
(audience cross-suggesting)
I heard two.
So there's Dennis Rodman.
If you don't know Dennis Rodman...
I've met him. He's a real weird guy.
(audience laughing)
I was performing at a political convention
and it was like an apolitical convention.
It wasn't like a
I'm not a republican or whatever,
but Dennis Rodman was there
and I warmed up the crowd for him by walking out
and being like, "Who's a fan of freestyle rap?"
And everyone was like, "We are fans of Dennis Rodman.
"Fuck off!"
(audience laughing)
It didn't go very well.
So, you said Dennis Rodman and
I'm glad that wasn't Dennis Rodman
walking in right now.
He's too busy in North Korea, hanging out with Kim Jong-un.
They're best fuckin' friends, by the way.
And someone at the back said something.
- [Audience Member] Geology.
Geology. Cool.
Should we delve deeper into that?
Are you a geologist?
- [Audience Member] No. - [Comedian] No, that's okay.
You don't need to be the thing that you suggest.
That man is not Dennis Rodman.
(audience laughing)
So, is there a particular thing about geology
that you find intriguing?
- [Audience Member] Rocks.
- Well, (audience laughing)
seems to me, someone learned a word of the day
and thought, "I'm going to say that."
That's okay. Geology, great!
Geology, Dennis Rodman, Hogwarts houses,
periscopes, a man who fixes them,
and what was the other one we had?
Lint. Lint under the fridge.
Gosh, how could we forget that?
Cool! Those are great suggestions, guys.
I'm pretty pleased with those.
This, lovely people, is going to be a freestyle rap.
That's a rap made up entirely on the spot,
based entirely on those suggestions.
Never to be seen again.
Never rehearsed, never read.
And do not worry, it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously, embarrassingly, toe-curlingly bad
as you are expecting a privately-educated,
middle-class white boy to be.
(audience laughing)
You're allowed to get excited as well.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah!
Which one to begin with?
Maybe Dennis Rodman, actually.
'Cause I know he's kind of absurd and zany,
but I think if we start with him,
it can only get better from there.
Ah, it's great.
♪ Crazy basketball player with the mad hair ♪
♪ Jumpin' from the three point line ♪
♪ Mad air ♪
♪ But he'd rather go north of the border ♪
♪ Save all the problems ♪
♪ Fix the disorder ♪
♪ Between the Koreans after the war ♪
♪ I met him once and I never wanna see him before ♪
♪ Or again ♪
♪ He's a very strange guy ♪
♪ Always walking along ♪
♪ No alibi ♪
♪ But where he was, about two years in his career ♪
♪ A mental institute ♪
♪ Whisper it here ♪
♪ He lost his mind ♪
♪ I'm not gonna mock that ♪
♪ He's a big guy ♪
♪ He could just smash me. Thwack ♪
♪ Like, "Oh yeah, I'm Dennis Rodman" ♪
♪ I can't do his accent ♪
♪ He's an odd man ♪
♪ It doesn't even matter how he exists ♪
♪ He was a role, like a chocolate under the fridge ♪
♪ But this one ♪
♪ I really never let it spoil ♪
♪ And it's preserved well ♪
♪ 'Cause it's wrapped in foil ♪
♪ Like a tiny little sphere ♪
♪ With a little bit on the end ♪
♪ Eatin' Lindt Lindor is on trend ♪
♪ Made by chocolatiers ♪
♪ The finest Belgium's got ♪
♪ And they ship 'em over here ♪
♪ They melt in the heat of W-A ♪
♪ It's very sad that the chocolate ♪
♪ Never stays in one form ♪
♪ Hard chocolate on the outside ♪
♪ And inside, more kind of ♪
♪ What do they provide ♪
♪ It's called truffle ♪
♪ On the center ♪
♪ Where was my chocolate ♪
♪ Where did it went, sir ♪
♪ Sent it down across the floor ♪
♪ It rolled under the kitchen cupboard and door ♪
♪ And now I look down ♪
♪ Bend down a smidge ♪
♪ Ah, fuck ♪
♪ It's stuck under the fridge ♪
♪ I can't get that ♪
♪ So I call my cat ♪
♪ I say, "Colonel Widdershins, ♪
♪ "Go retrieve it back" ♪
♪ He puts his paw under the little slit ♪
♪ But he knocks it further under. The little shit ♪
♪ You're wasting my chocolate ♪
♪ I wanna provide ♪
♪ It would kill you ♪
♪ 'Cause it contains ♪
♪ Theobromine ♪
♪ Translates as food of the gods ♪
♪ Latin knowledge, yeah ♪
♪ I'm such a bod ♪
♪ And let me issue this with no apology ♪
♪ I really dig geology ♪
♪ That's a fun little pun that we did a lot ♪
♪ If I ask you to define it ♪
♪ You say "Rocks" ♪
♪ They're in the ground ♪
♪ What are the types ♪
♪ Do you wanna get quartzite or calcite ♪
♪ Or maybe talc ♪
♪ That's the softest one ♪
♪ Opposite of the top ♪
♪ That's diamond ♪
♪ The top of the Moh ♪
♪ Hardness scale ♪
♪ Beneath that, not really sure ♪
♪ Like a snail ♪
♪ I just go slow down from 10 to one ♪
♪ When it comes to igneous ♪
♪ My favorite one ♪
♪ 'Cause it's kind of formed ♪
♪ By the heat of the crust ♪
♪ One person likes it ♪
♪ One person trusts ♪
♪ Sitting there going, "Woo ♪
♪ "I was startled" ♪
♪ Don't get me started on marble ♪
♪ Isn't it amazing ♪
♪ I could really care that ♪
♪ Travel to Italy. Bring it back from Carrera ♪
♪ I get it ♪
♪ In a sub. No-hope ♪
♪ Can't navigate 'cause we got a broke periscope ♪
♪ And so I call my guy, over there ♪
♪ He comes in ♪
♪ Dropped helicopter in the air and says, ♪
♪ "Oh Chris, I'll unlock your light prism ♪
♪ "I'll tell you what the problem is ♪
♪ "Your fucked prism ♪
♪ "It doesn't really work ♪
♪ "Broken with the lights ♪
♪ "Let me get my periscope and set it right ♪
♪ "And if you're under sea and you place your eye ♪
♪ "It can raise right up ♪
♪ "You can look to the sky ♪
♪ "You can try and tank any German U-boat ♪
♪ "You can hit it with a missile torpedo ♪
♪ "And then the bodies float outta that ♪
♪ "They crack to the surface ♪
♪ They're Germans in the past ♪
♪ So they really deserve this ♪
♪ If you did it now ♪
♪ It wouldn't understand ♪
♪ You could do torpedo in Falkland ♪
♪ Like they did ♪
♪ With the Belgrano ♪
♪ What a war reference ♪
♪ Fought years ago ♪
♪ But that's okay ♪
♪ Yeah, I've been taught ♪
♪ You save the best 'til last ♪
♪ And when it comes to Hogwarts ♪
♪ The sorting hat will tell you where to go ♪
♪ Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Gryffindo' ♪
♪ Nah! I really sit there shiverin' ♪
♪ With anticipation for the Slytherin ♪
♪ The little hat ♪
♪ With the animated face, he goes ♪
♪ "I can see, through time and space" ♪
♪ He's a liar. He can just see inside your head ♪
♪ If Harry was put in Slythindor, he'd wish he was dead ♪
♪ Slythindor? That's a mother fucking slip of the tongue ♪
♪ It doesn't even matter ♪
♪ I don't get it wrong ♪
♪ When I speak to snakes ♪
♪ That's Parseltongue ♪
♪ The Harry Potter section of rap's gone for too long ♪
♪ 'Cause lots of people like it ♪
♪ But lots of people don't ♪
♪ They wanna go to the world, but they won't ♪
♪ And if you walk in to Hogwarts ♪
♪ Where great teachers like Dumbledore taught ♪
♪ They could look at you, turn you to a mouse ♪
♪ And say, "I deduct 10 points from your house" ♪
There we go.
(audience cheering and clapping)