We all know someone who we would think of as charismatic, or a people magnet.
They always seem to find similarities and things in common with everyone they come in
contact with, and use these as a basis for attracting people and drawing them in.
But what is it about them that has this effect in particular, and is it something they’re
born with?
The keys to attracting friends are pretty much the same for romance and business relationship
as well.
There is a mistaken belief that being likeable is somehow linked to being good looking, fiercely
social, or incredibly talented.
However, it has been shown that when people are evaluating whether they like another person,
they inevitably focus on qualities such as approachability, humility and positivity.
These qualities relate to people who have high emotional intelligence (EQ), which we
will cover in more detail in another Ratalyst video.
But to give you an idea of the role this plays, studies have shown that 90% of high performing
individuals show the traits of high EQ.
Being likeable is definitely within your control, and unlike your intelligence (IQ), your EQ
is a flexible skill that you can develop and improve, to add to your overall personality
and likeability.
So let’s look at a few traits of those who exhibit high EQ, are highly likeable and charismatic,
and seem to attract people easily.
Ask genuine & thoughtful questions The most important question you can ask someone
is ‘how are you?’, but you need to really mean it and listen to the answer given with
genuine interest.
Quite often, people are so focused on what they’re going to say next that they don’t
really absorb what’s being said, and miss out on that real connection with the person.
People want to know that you care about them and are listening to what they have to say
when you ask for it.
Asking a slightly more meaningful question can provide some depth, such as ‘what is
going on with your family lately’, or ‘how have you been going with the late nights and
extra work?’
etc., asking these kinds of questions and even a simple clarification question shows
that you are both listening but also that you are genuinely interested in their life.
Friendship is an investment Having meaningful friendships and feeling
connected to people can be just as important to a healthy lifestyle as diet and exercise.
Think of maintaining your friendships as an investment in your future.
The time and energy you give to them, will come back to you over the course of your friendship,
and help to provide you with a complete and fulfilled life knowing that people are also
there for you when you need it.
Social media can be a great way to keep up with what people are up to, but it is only
a passive tool, and there is no real connection with the people that you ‘stalk’.
Nothing can nurture a friendship like actually spending time together, and giving that person
your undivided attention.
If you can’t do this face-to-face, then at least via telephone or Skype or FaceTime.
Be authentic and selfless Likeable people are comfortable with themselves,
and they know who they are.
Not pretending to be something different, and concentrating on what you’re passionate
about, makes you a far more interesting person to be around than if you try to be someone
you’re not.
Nothing will repel people faster than being fake – no one likes a fake, and they can
pick up on it.
People naturally gravitate towards genuine people because they exude an air of honesty
and reliability, and create a feeling that they can be trusted.
This puts people at ease around you, and will help build the relationship.
Love yourself This comes back to being genuine.
You need to be honest with and accept yourself for who you are.
Otherwise, how can other people accept you?
Positivity brings a desire to be your best, and you begin to be at ease with your true
self.
People tend to repel those who are desperate for attention, and by being comfortable with
yourself, you don’t need to develop a bigger-than-life extroverted personality to be likeable.
Just being friendly and considerate will go a long way, and you will find that people
are much more attentive and accepting than if you try to win them over by showing off
and boasting about how important you are.
When you’re receiving attention or praise for an accomplishment, shift the focus onto
the people who have helped you along the way.
If you genuinely appreciate those who have given you their time, showing this appreciation
and humility will endear you to people who will see you as worthy of their time and efforts
in the future, and they will work to maintain the relationship with you also.
Don’t pass judgement Being open minded goes a long way to making
people feel comfortable around you, and confident enough to share their life with you through
your relationship.
Nobody wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed their opinion and isn’t
open to listening to someone’s point of view.
Being open minded makes you approachable and more interesting overall.
Seeing the world through other people’s view doesn’t mean you have to agree with
or believe in the way the think about something, but it means that you hold back judgement
in order to better understand how they work.
Use positive body language Being aware of the effect your body language
has on other people is a big part of emotional intelligence, and can help to have far more
productive communication.
Only 7% of communication is made of the words we say, and 38% is made up of your tone of
voice and expression, where 55% comes from all the other non-verbal information that
we present.
Using an enthusiastic tone, holding an open posture without crossing your arms, maintaining
eye contact, and leaning in towards the person you’re talking to are all part of positive
body language that people with high emotional intelligence utilise to draw others in.
Being respectful of the other person’s space is important, but an appropriate touch on
their shoulder, a friendly hug or some form of physical connection during a conversation
causes a release of oxytocin in their brain, which is associated with trust and other positive
feelings.
Smiling is also a simple and effective element to emitting positive body language.
Smiling is everything – it conveys warmth, interest and openness, and that you are happy
about communicating with the other person.
People subconsciously copy the body language of someone they’re talking to.
If you want people to feel positive about your interaction, smile genuinely while talking
to them, and they will subconsciously mirror the behaviour and feel good about having connected
with you.
It is very true that how you say something can be far more important than what you say.
Use people’s names This one is a classic, and to quote the famous
Dale Carnegie: “Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most
important sound in any language”.
Someone’s name is a key feature of their identity, and people subconsciously love to
hear you use it often.
Really charismatic and likeable people make it a point to use people’s names when they
interact with them - at the start of the conversation, at the end of the conversation, and even during
the conversation at times such as addressing a question.
Studies have backed the positive feelings associated with using people’s names, showing
that they feel validated and a better connection when communicating with someone who uses their
name effectively throughout the conversation.
Make a strong and lasting impression Research has shown that people mostly make
up their mind on whether or not they like you in the first 7 seconds – so you have
to be on point immediately!
While this may sound intimidating, you can use this knowledge to your advantage.
First impressions are heavily tied to your body language and the way you make the person
feel.
Utilising positive body language with a warm friendly and confident demeanour will help
to ensure your first impression on them is a positive one.
Also, keep in mind this famous quote from Maya Angelou: “People will forget what you
said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
feel”.
Live life with zest People gravitate toward those who are passionate
about something, as that passion can be contagious and gives them feelings of positivity.
Having and displaying a sense of humour is also extremely contagious.
If you are displaying your witty personality through jokes or stories, or just laughing
at the world around you, you will always be surrounded by people.
Being able to laugh with each other can help to build intimate and happy relationships
with those around you.
Behave in a friendly way, be open minded and enthusiastic, focus on the positive, smile,
and act like someone who really enjoys life!
These are just some of the traits that are commonly associated with likeable people who
easily attract and build relationships with the people they meet on a daily basis.
Really charismatic and likeable people just seem to bring out the best in everyone around
them, and seem to always be having fun in many different environments and situations.
While you may feel that you don’t naturally display some of these traits, they are skills
which you can consciously develop and improve.
Add some of these skills to your social tool kit, and watch people flock to you!