- I don't like weather, have you noticed?
(audience laughs)
I don't like weather.
I don't like, I don't like the heat.
I'm African and I don't like the heat.
That's when you know it's hot,
when Africans start bitching.
I can't take this shit.
(audience laughs)
I'm from Chicago, yes.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Well, yeah, I was born in Nebraska.
(audience laughs)
Like I had a choice, you know?
Like I could come out my mom and say,
ah sorry mom, I wanna be born in Brooklyn.
(audience laughs)
No, that's it, you're born, you're born.
Let me tell you the reason, I'm Nigerian, all right?
A hundred percent.
And that's just the thing about Nigerians.
Wherever there's a school,
my father went to school out there,
wherever there's a school, there's a Nigerian, man.
Doesn't matter.
It could be KKK University.
(audience laughs)
A Nigerian will be the first one to sign up.
(audience laughs)
But he'll be happy, you know what I'm saying?
Oh my goodness.
(audience laughs)
I'm so happy.
(audience laughs)
I'm going to a very great school.
(audience laughs)
KKK University, oh!
(audience laughs)
I was talking to my professor the other day.
The Grand Imperial Wizard, yes!
(audience laughs)
No, he's a smart man, he's a wizard.
He told me.
(audience laughs)
He said he's so excited, he cannot wait
to show me the ropes.
Oh my goodness!
(audience laughs)
He wants me to hang around or something like that.
And they invited me to a barbecue.
I said, no, I can not go.
(audience laughs)
My parents, immigrants, came with no money.
No money, not this welfare thing.
That's nothing, welfare's luxury, huh?
It's like I'm on welfare.
You are rich.
(audience laughs)
You know, they came to the airport naked.
They're like, can we get on the plane?
(audience laughs)
I don't want to show you where my passport is.
(audience laughs)
For real, I can't even compare.
Go on, laugh it up.
I can't even compare financial struggles with my father.
I can go, Dad, I can't get these new Nikes,
I don't have enough money.
You don't have enough money for your new Nikes?
When I was your age
(audience laughs)
we didn't have feet.
(audience laughs)
It's like, well, I wanna get some Pumas.
Pumas?
When I was your age, we had to chase it.
(audience laughs)
I'm looking forward to Halloween.
Man, I love it.
(audience applauds)
'Cause I'm big now and I can beat up kids
and get their candy.
What?
'Cause when I was small, I almost died trick or treating.
I almost died trick or treating, 'cause I had asthma.
And you know, your parents buy you that cheap mask?
(audience laughs)
The cheap plastic one.
You can barely breathe in it.
And that band in the back of your head,
making your bleed through your skull.
(audience laughs)
And you know they can't hear you saying trick or treat.
(gasps)
Trick or treat.
(gasps)
Trick or treat.
(gasps)
Trick or treat.
(gasps)
Trick or treat.
(audience laughs)
And how much air did they give us in the mask,
that little slot?
You stick your tongue through it?
(audience laughs)
Trick or treat.
And then you would cut your tongue,
'cause that was razor sharp.
(audience laughs)
And they say it's that razors and the apples,
no, it's your mask!
(audience laughs)
- I love Alabama football, okay?
(audience boos)
- Love Alabama football, it don't matter if you're booing.
It don't matter,
They're just good players, you must be from a loser school.
(audience laughs)
- They were the last to have black players,
Alabama football.
And Bear Bryant at the time, he was the coach for Alabama,
and they were like, I think we need colored players.
And, and the alumni was like,
we don't want no goddamn color players,
he doesn't live here.
No colored players, goddamn you better not bring
in no colored players.
- I'm sure you know what they were saying, right?
(audience laughs)
Then one day Alabama was playing a team
with colored players and this is what they saw.
(audience laughs)
What the hell was that?
(audience laughs)
That was one of them colored players, coach.
He's like, yo, let me get the phone,
yeah, we need some colored players.
(audience laughs)
Why?
'Cause to catch the other colored players, yeah.
(audience laughs)
Oh, the white guys just went by, holy shit.
I went to University of Illinois.
Yes.
(audience cheers)
University of Illinois, big school,
35,000 students,
800 black.
(audience laughs)
That's what I did, I laughed too, when I got on campus.
(audience laughs)
Especially when the basketball team was away.
I was the only one left on campus.
(audience laughs)
And I was the only black in every class.
Hard to be absent.
(audience laughs)
Where's the little negro boy we put in the middle?
(audience laughs)
And it's black history month.
Yeah, thanks for the shortest month, asses,
and the coldest, yeah, let's keep it in the winter time,
'cause their skin gets really ashy.
They can't really do anything.
(audience laughs)
- But I was cool 'cause I posed for the brochure.
(audience laughs)
Every college has a minority page.
I was a black dude standing by the computer.
(audience laughs)
Along am my Indian friend, Raji.
And I like when I see thugs in college.
Why are you trying to be a thug in college?
(audience laughs)
A thug, a thug?
What, that doesn't even look right.
It's like, yo, we gonna kick his after my finals.
(audience laughs)
I got two labs, I'm gonna kill him right after that.
(audience laughs)
I used to live in Queens.
Anyone here from Queens.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
I used to live right by the bodega.
You know what the bodega is?
It's the little Latin store
and they try to act like it's a grocery store.
(audience laughs)
It has two aisles.
And the guy, he always tries to help me,
you looking for the bread?
I was like, dude, I can see it right here, all right?
(audience laughs)
We like, hey, hey, it's in aisle two.
That's all you got.
What you talking about?
Every bodega has a cat.
(audience laughs)
El Gato.
(audience laughs)
This is a Latin cat.
This isn't that stuff you see on TV.
No, this is a Latin cat.
El Gato, been working in the bodega for like 30 years.
(audience laughs)
And he wants to kill the Taco Bell dog.
(audience laughs)
Don't like him.
And you know most cats you can scare away, right?
You see a cat on the street, get outta here!
Meow.
Not El Gato.
I tried to scare El Gato, get outta here!
He's like, you get outta here.
(audience laughs)
Hombre chocolate, I don't like you!
(audience laughs)
I'm like, sorry I left you know?
And I don't know how he got my number,
I was like, oh my God!
He was on my caller ID.
I was like, El Gato?
(audience laughs)
I said, hello?
El Meow.
What?
(audience laughs)
Then he called back like an hour later.
Hello?
Sammy Sosa.
What?
He knows about baseball.
Who rides the train here?
(audience applauds)
Yeah, it's not cute, it's not cute.
Those people in the booth?
That's why that booth is bulletproof.
(audience laughs)
They know you're late for a train.
They know you're late.
They take their time with your money.
You've going up to the glass.
You know how you go to the glass
and tell 'em hurry up with my metro card,
hurry the hell up.
You give him that face.
(audience laughs)
And they know, they're like, oh, he's late.
(audience laughs)
I'll count his money slowly.
(audience laughs)
You like wanna stick your mouth through the slot.
What are you doing with my money?
Give me my Metro Card!
(audience laughs)
Then you run, gotta catch a train.
Catching a train is something, huh?
Yeah, it's an accomplishment.
It's not a joke.
Especially when you gotta go down the stair,
the two stair, not just one.
I'm talking about two stair like,
(audience laughs)
and you never have the right clothes on.
It's not like you have the Nike chase the train shoes on.
You always got something weird like a bag and a cake.
You always gotta.
(audience laughs)
And there's and there's always the old person.
There's always the old person.
No, no, not like, hi, I'm 65, I can still walk.
(audience laughs)
What you get's like (imitating old person)
Get outta the way!
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
And when you, when you catch the train, y'all,
catching the train, what?
You feel good as hell.
(audience laughs)
No, no, no. I'm.
You don't just get on hey, no,
you cross it like you just finished a sprint
in the Olympics.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
And you don't sit down right away.
You gotta let everybody know you caught it.
(audience laughs)
I think I'll start stretching out.
Yeah, caught that train boy,
knocked down an old man and the whole thing,
you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
Then you start feeling stupid
'cause the train hasn't moved yet.
(audience laughs)
Then you hear that announcement?
This train is not in service.
(audience laughs)
We appreciate your run, that was very good.
I'm sure you broke your own record
but get the hell off the train, thank you.
- Denzel Washington would be we a great president.
Dude, are you kidding me?
Denzel is so damn cool.
He would be a great president, he should run.
He would handle problems really great.
He'd give reporters a problem,
Mr. Washington, President Washington,
you know there's an economic crisis?
- Oh, okay, all right, all right.
(audience laughs)
So, is that what you're telling me?
That what you're telling me?
You're telling me there's a,
okay, all right, all right.
You asking me, right?
All right, okay.
(audience laughs)
My (beep), all right okay, I'm calm.
(audience laughs)
(rhythmic music)