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I did a lot of camping, growing up as a kid
Which is kind of a strange thing, when you look at it
You'd be sitting there one day, playing Nintendo
Your dad bursts into your room: "HEY!"
"Hey, I know you're comfortable and everything and you're having a good time.."
"But do you wanna go out in the woods in the cold?"
"Maybe get a little damp, not have a good time at all?"
"You wanna go camping?"
And I'm like, "What? Camping? What are you talking about?!"
"What are we, getting evicted?"
"No, I don't wanna go camping! I'm trying to beat the Chain Chomp on Mario 64!"
But I ended up always liking camping, because you got to do whatever you wanted
I haven't showered in 3 days, I smell like a dumpster
I've been living off beef jerky and marshmallows all weekend
"Hey, I think that marshmallow's done!"
"Naaayy, give it a few more minutes!"
My mom's over there doing nothing but complaining about the goddamn mosquitoes
And my dad's like, "Well, this is our vacation, so you better enjoy it"
And as a kid you don't really know what to do when you're camping, so you're just standing there
Just making up games
"Uuhhh, you wanna play sticks?"
"Yeah, let's play sticks, sure!"
*whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh*
"Uh, are we winning?"
"Oh yeah, yeah.. I think so.. I don't know"
*whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh*
And this one time my parents brought my cousin David along with us to the campground
And it's one of the first memories I ever have of camping
It was nighttime and we were sleeping in our little tent
And he wakes me up in the middle of the night and he's like,
"Duuud, I gotta poop!"
And I'm like, "Okay, there's a bathroom right over there.."
"No, you don't understand!"
"There might be poop in my pants already, I gotta go right NOW!"
So he stumbles out in the dark and he's got a roll of toilet paper with him
And he goes to the edge of our campsite and just starts pooping all willy-nilly
Just wherever it goes, wherever it lands, whatever!
And as he's using the toilet paper, he's kinda just throwing it wherever he wants
'Cause it's dark out, he can't see anything
And he comes back in the tent and he falls asleep
And then the morning comes, and the funny thing about morning is you can see things in the daylight
We walk out of our tent
And there's, like, this woven tapestry of poopy toilet paper strung up on the trees
Like some kind of shitty Christmas tree
My dad's like, "OH, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!"
We're over there, trying to eat breakfast in the morning
While the goddamn campgrounds dispatching a hazmat team
To clean up David's shitty disaster
And when we weren't destroying public campgrounds, we'd go camping on my grandpa's property
He's got 20 acres out in the middle of nowhere in Ohio
And my grandpa is very grandpaish, okay
It's fantastic, he's got suspenders, he's got glasses
He gives you a little gems of knowledge, when you're outdoors
"You know, it's not what a man does, it's who a man is that makes him a man"
And I'm over there picking my nose, like, "Ooohh, okay! Yeah, sure, Grandpa!"
And he's just so outdoors, he'd be like
Kicking a bear in the face, while he's whittling you a birdhouse out of pine wood
I'm over here, coming off a three-day marathon on Nintendo64, like
"Uh, if I see a spider, I'm gonna poop my pants, I don't even care!"
And speaking of spiders, we had one outhouse on the property
That's where you went to poop
And this outhouse had some of the biggest most demonic fucking spiders you've ever seen in your life
And there was a window on the side of the outhouse, I don't know for what reason
But every time you'd go to take a poop
You'd gather an audience of little kids, that would be hopping up and down
Trying to see what you're doing in there
"HEY! What's going on?!"
"HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!"
Like, can you fucking stop? I got enough to deal with already
*Spider growls*
But one thing's certain, we made sure that David knew exactly where that outhouse was!
Cause we didn't want another goddamn disaster like the last campground
We got fuckin' neon signs pointing to the damn thing
And one time we were at the creek, and we were having a little toad-catching competition
And my grandpa's buddy has his own grandson that comes all the time, his name's James
We didn't really like James that much, 'cause he was kind of a sociopath
For example, when we were down at the creek, one of my other cousins caught a toad
And nobody else caught a toad for the rest of the day
And James was so pissed that he didn't have a goddamn toad, he was like, "Oh, to hell with this!"
And he walked over and he squished it! Right in front of everybody!
Like, "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU PSYCHOPATH!"
"Yeah, you don't have any toad anymore now, do you?!"
"Anybody got a puppy I can nail to a tree? I'm freakin' crazy!"
What is this? Vietnam?
Do the rules in life not apply anymore? What the hell are you doing?!
I go up to my grandpa and I'm like:
"Grandpa, James is massacring animals in the woods and it's kinda making me uncomfortable!"
And he goes over to him and he's like,
"James, it's not how many toads that you catch that makes you a man, okay?"
"It's what you do as a man that makes you a man, you got it?!"
"Now you listen to me"
"In other words, DON'T FUCKING STEP ON TOADS YOU FUCKING METHHEAD! What's the matter with you?"
"Now go and sit in the outhouse full of demon spiders!"
*Growling*