WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE ALREADY THERE.
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY.
IT'S THE END OF ANOTHER JAM-PACKED WEEK IN AMERICA.
AND WE'RE REALLY ONLY TALKING ABOUT ONE STORY.
IT'S THE SAD ONE DOWN SOUTH.
BUT OTHER THINGS HAPPENED IN THE LAST WEEK-- FOR INSTANCE, ROBERT
MUELLER IS LOCKING PEOPLE UP.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST ON TONIGHT'S RUSSIAN ROUNDUP.
>> YEE-HAW.
>> >> Stephen: THANK YOU, VLAD.
FIRST, THERE'S TROUBLE FOR FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN,
AND ZOMBIE CORLEONE, PAUL MANAFORT, BECAUSE LAST WEEK A
JUDGE "REVOKED MANAFORT'S BAIL AND SENT HIM TO JAIL TO AWAIT
TRIAL."
BUT HE'S GOT A STRATEGY.
HE'S GONNA FIND THE MEANEST-LOOKING GUY IN THE
PRISON YARD, WALK RIGHT UP, AND HELP HIM RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
MANAFORT WAS TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER ALL THE WAY TO THE
CONVENTION.
IF THEY WERE ANY CLOSER, THEY'D BE WEARING ONE LONG TIE.
IT'S UMBILICAL.
BUT NOW THAT HIS OLD CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF STRATEGIST IS
GOING TO THE BIG HOUSE, TRUMP REMEMBERS THEIR RELATIONSHIP A
LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.
DIFFERENTLY.
>> MANAFORT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR CAMPAIGN.
YOU KNOW, PAUL MANAFORT WORKED FOR ME FOR A VERY SHORT PERIOD
OF TIME.
HE WORKED FOR ME-- WHAT, FOR 49 DAYS OR SOMETHING?
>> Stephen: "OR SOMETHING," IF "SOMETHING" MEANS FIVE
MONTHS.
"PAUL MANAFORT?
BARELY KNOW HIM.
BROUGHT ME COFFEE, RAN MY CAMPAIGN FOR 150 DAYS.
WHAT'S HIS NAME WAS, FAT MANATEE?"
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS FOR IF HE'S FOUND GUILTY, MANAFORT
FACES 305 YEARS IN PRISON.
REALLY?
305 YEARS?
I THINK BY YEAR 300, THE GUY HAS LEARNED HIS LESSON.
BUT WITH THAT SORT OF JAIL SENTENCE HANGING OVER HIM,
EVERYONE IS WONDERING HOW MANAFORT WILL HOLD UP UNDER
QUESTIONING.
>> SO TO BE CLEAR, MR. TRUMP HAS NO FINANCIAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH
ANY RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS?
>> THAT'S WHAT HE SAID-- THAT'S-- THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
THAT'S OBVIOUSLY WHAT OUR POSITION IS.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, RUN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ANOTHER TRUMP ASSOCIATE HAS
ADMITTED TO COLLUSION.
THIS TIME, IT'S TRUMP FRIEND AND BIZARRO HARRY POTTER, ROGER
STONE.
RECENTLY, STONE REVEALED A NEW CONTACT WITH A RUSSIAN NATIONAL
DURING THE 2016 CAMPAIGN, BRINGING THE NEW TOTAL TO AT
LEAST 11 TRUMP ASSOCIATES OR CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS WHO HAVE
ACKNOWLEDGED INTERACTIONS WITH A RUSSIAN.
BUT, HEY, WHO'S COUNTING?
ROBERT MUELLER IS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAST YEAR-- HE'S GOT-- LAST YEAR, ROGER STONE ADAMANTLY
DENIED ANY RUSSIA CONNECTION.
>> I'VE NEVER BEEN TO RUSSIA.
I DIDN'T TALK TO ANYBODY WHO WAS IDENTIFIABLY RUSSIAN DURING THE
TWO-YEAR RUN-UP TO THIS CAMPAIGN.
I'M NOT SURE I DID PREVIOUSLY, EITHER.
I VERY DEFINITELY CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY WHO MIGHT HAVE BEEN A
RUSSIAN WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.
NO, I THINK IT'S A CANARD.
>> Stephen: IT'S A CANARD."
TO WHICH I SAY: "CANARDER, CANARDER, PANTS ON FARDER."
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE MET WITH RUSSIANS, THERE'S A NEW
PROFILE OF PRESIDENTIAL SON AND GUY COUNTING HOW MANY TIMES HIS
FATHER HUGGED HIM, DON JR. AND IT GIVES US SOME NEW DETAILS
IN WHAT'S GOING ON IN DON JR.'S STRANGELY WET HEAD.
ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE CLOSE TO JUNIOR, NOW THAT MUELLER IS
LOOKING INTO THE INFAMOUS TRUMP TOWER MEETING, D.J.T.J. "REGRETS
TAKING THE MEETING.
DOES HE REGRET IT BECAUSE HE THINKS HE DID SOMETHING WRONG?
NO.
HE REGRETS IT BECAUSE IT ENDED UP CAUSING A SITUATION THAT
WASTED A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY," WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS THE
MOTTO ON THE TRUMP FAMILY CREST.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS HOW THE ARTICLE SUMS
UP THE ESSENCE OF THE MAN THAT DONALD TRUMP CERTAIN CALLS
"WHAT'S HIS NAME?" ONE SOURCE SAID THAT "DON JR.,
LIKE SEEMINGLY EVERYONE ELSE IN TRUMP'S ORBIT, WAS USELESSLY
TRYING TO IMPRESS A MAN WHO CAN ONLY BE IMPRESSED BY HIMSELF."
"HE'S HUSTLING AND TRYING TO DO WHAT HE CAN TO CONTRIBUTE BUT
WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE THE LINES ARE.
HE'S A SAD AND TRAGIC FIGURE."
AW, MY HEART GOES OUT TO THAT POOR RUSSIA-COLLUDING,
WIFE-CHEATING, CONSPIRACY-THEORY-TWEETING SON
OF A BILLIONAIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN THE WORDS OF A GREAT POET, "WOMP, WOMP."