- [Narrator] Would you rather get poisoned by a witch,
go through two fires in less than 24 hours,
or have your firstborn stolen by a woman
who sells sausages on the street?
Well, folks, you don't need to make up your mind.
Because in the 90s Mexican telenovela, Maria la del Barrio,
all those things happened to one person.
And why is that?
Well, because in a telenovela, everyone's life is hell.
(dramatic music)
(fire blasting)
Maria's life is straight up diarrhea.
She's poor as hell, she makes money picking trash
from the ground,
and her entire family is dead,
except for her godmother who looks like a frog,
and eventually dies in Maria's arms on her 15th birthday
after choking on a piece of ham.
Maria is left homeless and alone,
until one of the richest dudes in Mexico sees her,
and is like hey Maria, you're a hot vulnerable teen,
and I'm gonna adopt you and be your daddy now.
He takes her to live in his mansion,
where she meets his wife, who's like
if you touch me with those gross dirty fingers,
I will call the police.
In her new home, Maria gets hooked up with a sick ass room
that as a bidet, which is like a little bathtub
but only for your ass.
She quickly meets her adopted brother, Luis Fernando,
who is a raging alcoholic bro that likes to show off
his rock hard breasts, and she's like you're hot,
and he's like nice ass.
And the two of them fall in love.
Unfortunately, Soraya Montenegro,
the villain of this telenovela,
who is evil and a piece of shit,
gets in the way of the couple.
Soraya is so horny for her cousin,
that she roofies him and convinces him
to have nasty cousin intercourse with her,
hoping that he'll fall in love with her.
Except he doesn't, 'cause all he can think about
is how much he loves his step sister Maria.
If you're gonna do incest, you may as well skip your cousin
and go directly for your step sister.
Anyways, Soraya gets so pissed
that she wants to kill Maria.
Luckily, her nanny, who happens to be standing around
hears her and is like my side hustle is doing witchcraft.
So she prepares a poison that will kill Maria.
Maria drinks the shit outta the poison water.
Unfortunately for Soraya, it doesn't kill Maria.
It just gives her diarrhea
and makes her fart a bunch of pedos.
(flatulence)
When Soraya finds out that Maria isn't dead,
she loses her god damn mind and beats her nanny
for not making the poison strong enough.
This is next level crazy.
One day later, some creepy ass dude
that has a broken arm for unexplained reasons,
threatens Soraya.
He's like I know you wanted to poison Maria.
Gimme $50 or I'll call the police.
And she's like hell no, I'm not giving you $50.
So, they fight and he pushes her out the window.
(screaming)
She falls 20 stories onto concrete with her shoe landing
directly above her head and well, she dies.
Maria quickly gets knocked up by her step brother,
and you're like yay Maria's life is finally good and happy.
Except that doesn't happen in telenovelas.
Out of the blue, she becomes schizophrenic,
and runs away from the house.
She gives birth to the baby while in a catatonic state,
and then roams the streets, mentally ill
and talking to walls.
Until she meets the lady that sells sausages,
and is like I'll trade you my baby for a sausage.
And gives her newborn away.
14 years pass, and we know this because Luis Fernando
has grown a stunning stache
that looks like it's made out of of flat ironed pubic hairs.
We come to find out that Maria and Luis Fernando's son
is alive, and he's a ginger.
Maria and Luis Fernando get reunited with their son
when he tries to rob their house,
because he needs a little extra money to buy weed.
Even though she hasn't seen him since he was a fetus,
Maria knows it's her son.
Look at that artistic shot.
Tell me this wasn't worthy of an Oscar.
Okay, so remember when the villain of this novela died,
well, she didn't die.
She survived and married a super rich dude
with a disabled daughter with huge wet braces.
She immediately has him killed a super painless death,
by having him run over by a semi truck,
and inherits all his money.
But is stuck caring for his daughter
whom she abuses in one of the most dramatic scenes
in television history, where she knocks over her wheelchair.
Just when you think you can't handle any more drama,
Maria goes to jail for a crime which is never explained.
As if her life wasn't garbage enough,
the prison immediately catches on fire,
and Maria disappears into the flames.
Maria doesn't die in the fire of course,
she survives, but is kidnapped by Soraya
who takes her to a shack which she then lights on fire.
Yes, folks, that's two fires in one god damn day.
Luckily, Luis Fernando just so happens
to be standing near the cabin and rescues her.
They watch Soraya burn alive,
and are like burn, queen, burn.
One day later, everyone is super happy,
and not traumatized at all by the insane shit
that's just happened.
And the disabled girl is walking again.
The novela ends with Maria announcing that she's knocked up
while she and her step brother suck face
in front of this parrot. (slurping)
(parrot squawking)
The end.
(happy music)