-Here´s what people are talking about.
Well, it´s still this speech Senator Jeff Flake gave
about Trump yesterday.
Yep, he criticized Trump for 20 minutes
without mentioning him by name, but I think people knew
who he meant when he kept referring to Tweety McTweetface.
[ Laughter ]
Tweety McTweet --
Trump was tweeting again today.
He said that his big meeting with republican senators was
a love fest with multiple standing ovations.
Yep, they were mostly people getting up to leave, but still,
that counts as a standing ovation.
[ Applause ] -Standing.
-Trump sent three tweets about how the senators gave him
a standing ovation. It´s a big deal for Trump.
He hasn´t seen 50 people cheering him on since
his inauguration.
[ Applause ]
But today, when he was talking to reporters,
Trump said that he has one of the greatest memories
of all time.
Then Trump said, [ As Trump ] "And if you don´t believe me,
ask my sons Derek and Ron Junior.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
And my daughter, girl Donald."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Girl Donald? That´s not a -- What?
Girl Donald? That´s not a name.
Trump also spent a few minutes talking about how he´s portrayed
in the media. Listen to what he says.
-Well, I think the press makes me more uncivil than I am.
You know, people don´t understand,
I went to an Ivy-League College.
I was a nice student.
I did very well.
I´m a very intelligent person.
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, nothing says "I´m smart" better
than shouting it on your front lawn.
[ As Trump ] "I´m very smart. [ Applause ]
You, kid on the bike, I´m smart."
[ Normal voice ] Okay, we´re good, we´re good.
[ Laughter ]
Get this. I read that President Trump
wanted to change the name of a mountain in Alaska,
but the state senators said no.
Yeah, it turns out that Trump has a lot of other
famous landmarks he´s offered to rename as well.
I´ll show you what I mean.
For example, Trump offered to rename the Grand Canyon
the "Bigly Hole."
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
-Next up, Trump offered to rename the Liberty Bell,
the "Taco Bell Monument."
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Quiero.
[ Normal voice ] And finally, Trump offered to rename
the U.S. Capitol Building the "Yuge Boob."
And you go -- What are you doing?
-Really? -They´re not going to work.
Don´t worry about it.
And we all know Halloween is right around the corner
and many people still haven´t picked out their costumes,
so here with a few suggestions is our own "Tonight Show"
Halloween correspondent, Julio Torres,
ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Great crowd, Julio Torres. -Hi.
Hi, hi, hello, and boo.
[ Laughter ]
-Julio, I understand you have ideas for some
last-minute Halloween costumes?
-Yes, correct.
If you´re struggling to find a costume, how about something
easy like --
like the Lost City of Atlantis.
[ Light laughter ]
-That sounds like more of a concept.
How about something like a -- like a ghost, like a ghost.
-Oh, sure, sure, sure.
How about a Ferrero Rocher chocolate.
[ Laughter ]
Or -- Or an e-mail forward from your dad.
[ Laughter ]
Or a raccoon foolishly wearing
all the diamonds he stole.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What?
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, how about a cashier from Chipotle
catching you putting soda into the water cup and going,
"You
[ Applause ]
-What about costumes for people are more familiar with.
Like, how about a Dracula or "Deadpool"?
-Who? -Dracula, "Deadpool"?
-You could also be a turtle who just told off another turtle
and now it has to turn away and storm off very slowly.
[ Laughter ]
Or a statue who came to life but now has a job
and a family and misses the simple days
of just being admired.
[ Laughter ]
-Julio, I have to say, I love these costumes.
They all seem pretty high-concept.
Is there something you can recommend that´s a little
simpler for people who aren´t as creative?
-Well, you can always be the Tooth Fairy being like,
"Dear God, I can´t afford to buy more teeth.
What do I even do with these?"
[ Laughter ]
Or -- Or how about St. Peter welcoming someone who was
anti-immigration to Heaven and being like,
"Oh, no, you forgot the forms.
Now you have to wait in line. I´m sorry, rules are rules."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Julio, what about something super simple?
-Yeah, I mean, I´m personally torn between being a secret
or a rumor.
[ Laughter ]
-I meant like a football player or something.
-What? But I´m -- I´m not a football player.
Like, would I have to, like, put on a bunch of weight?
That´s -- That´s insane.
-That´s
-Season six of "One Tree Hill."
[ Laughter ]
Or -- Or a telegram that never arrived that would
have made all the difference.
[ Laughter ]
Or -- Or, wait, wait,
how about a nice green tea from Starbucks that was supposed
to be unsweetened, but it´s sweetened
so now it´s up for grabs if anyone wants it.
[ Laughter ]
-Anyone could take --
-I mean, you can always go as maybe like a flamingo
that´s like, "You know what?
I´m just going to use both legs."
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
-Yeah, I mean, those are my suggestions.
Enjoy being a football player.
-Julio Torres, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It´s up for grabs.
My neck hurts. My neck hurts from laughing.
Oh, my goodness. Good suggestions right there.
Julio Torres once again. How great is that?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, check this out, guys,
I saw that one of Albert Einstein´s notes
about his theory for a happy life sold at auction
for $1.5 million.
[ Audience ohs ] $1.5 million.
It got awkward when the buyer read the note and it said,
"Money can´t buy happiness."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, I read that there are
some new airport security measures starting this week
and airlines can conduct short interviews with passengers.
Most airlines will ask the purpose of your trip,
while Spirit Airlines will ask if you know how to land a plane.
We have a great show tonight! Give it up for the Roots!