Oh secret I don't know if I should tell
you a secret because then it's not a
secret anymore a secret as in that
nobody knows secret so many things I got
a prison tat when I was seventeen I do
have someone's name tattooed on me I got
the word [ __ ] tattooed on the inside of
my lip I stole money for my mother's
wallet I'm like allergic to gluten but
sometimes I sneak and eat it I burped
like a man I love I love Disney movies I
used to read erotic Harry Potter
fanfiction I really like comics don't
normally share with people that I've had
depression I see a therapist from time
to time I'm scared all the time I'm
really insecure and I cover it up with
my bubbly smiliness I only read
self-help books
I once fornicated a stuffed polar bear I
pee and I cup in my car sometimes if my
boyfriend's peeing like using the
bathroom and I can't hold it I'll just
pull my pants down and pee right in the
tub next to him I think I secretly like
Coldplay I like country I really like
country actually more than anything
I like Nickelback I like only do it when
I'm alone in the car I like drugs I've
tried a lot of drugs I buy weed buy the
quarter pound I haven't had as many
boyfriends as people think I have yeah
I'm in a polyamorous relationship I'm
into BDSM yeah I cheated a couple times
I was not ready for a big test and so I
wrote like the world's most pathetic
bomb threat note and then the school
took it seriously which was a plan and I
got more time to study I'm probably
gonna go to jail for sharing that I was
catfished I Spy my neighbors I stalk
people I went to high school with I
stopped my boyfriend in a kind of sexy
creepy kind of way the White House
I don't actually like kids I don't I'm
just kidding there that's kind
oh I almost died of syphilis last year I
don't know if my parents know that I'm
not a virgin
I like sex a lot and people think I'm
very like pure and I'm really not I am
addicted to sex
we totally illegally hopped the fence
and snuck on to the football field and
we have sex on a 50-yard line I'm
celibate I'm like almost 30 and I've
never been in a serious relationship
because I'm afraid of commitment a
secret is that I love everybody
that's the worst secret in the world I'm
really mean and judgmental inside and I
kind of hate people I am afraid of being
alone I have a crush on a good friend's
girlfriend I have been in love with this
do for like four years no secret about
myself that nobody knows I'm a furry Oh
for like eight years I was like addicted
to computer games
honestly I talked to my cat all the time
and I pretend that he talks back to me I
like to smell toxic things like gasoline
sharpies I also have like this uh thing
for puzzles I wish I had an exciting
secret I've been I've been arrested
before my friend almost ran over someone
and when the cops came I covered for him
sometimes when I'm feeling like I'm not
in control of my life I will dress up as
Clark Kent and I wear a Superman shirt
and a Superman cape when I was young I
used to pluck my arm hairs because I
didn't want hairy arms
oh we know I pull hair from my but I'm
not really sure that I have like a tic
disorder I have like and ninja reflexes
I've memorized all of instincts dance
moves what I secretly like to try to
knit
I believe there's aliens out there that
are waiting for us to become more
spiritually developed and sometimes just
feel like a robot
I do not drive I have a lot of pet
snakes like eight of them secret I eat
my boogers no one's looking at me - look
good - it yeah just like I like to touch
the inside of my mouth
it's weird but my porn habits I like to
experiment with large black dicks on
harnesses their secrets for a reason I
secretly masturbate in the shower i
watch strap-on lesbian porn I drink too
much I almost always throw up in the
bathroom when I drink oh I'm in recovery
substance yes I used to be a person that
I'm not anymore I'm a lot meaner inside
my head I'm Dyslexic I have anxiety I
have social anxiety I like hiding in the
closet I eat a lot of food when I'm
depressed I lie just to get my way I
have these weird spots between both ears
and they're identical and they feel like
jello icky my age a secret I'm 42
something is a secret Wow
I'm technically still married I don't
tell anyone that I mean there's probably
five people that know that
and now the world
[Laughter]