﻿Hi everyone, I’m Moose and I hope you had a happy Krampusnacht!
Since we’ve already slaughtered that sickening stiff Santa Claus,
today on ‘How to Kill’ we’re setting our sites on his scariest sidekick,
and I’m not talkin’ about that mutant freak Rudolph.
What's this nonsense here, bucks? After all, NYAAAHHHH!!!
Krampus, the Christmas demon who is the scourge of Scrooges everwhere,
has become the most popular holiday icon since Elf on a Shelf.
But if you’ve been naughty and you’re worried about getting something worse than coal in your stocking come Christmas morning,
you better watch out,
you better not cry,
and you better watch our guide on
How to Kill Krampus
Since the Shadow of St. Nicholas is still pretty unfamiliar to audiences here in the U.S.,
let’s start with a little overview:
Who is Krampus?
When we talk about Krampus in America,
we’re usually referring to a hybrid of various figures from pre-Christian European folklore,
dark mirrors of Santa Claus who punish kids that talk back to their parents and don’t finish their vegetables.
His appearance is derived from the ancient association of goats and demons,
he’s got cloven hooves, humongous horns, and deadly claws, or “Krampen” in German,
hence the name.
Now, Krampus is sometimes depicted as the sworn enemy of Saint Nick,
Krampus! Vile enemy of Christmas!
but in truth, they’re more like partners,
with sort of a good cop/bad relationship going on.
You see that guy there?! He's gonna hurt you because you were naughty!
While Santa gets to leave presents for good boys and girls everywhere,
spreading joy and cheer and positive vibes,
Krampus has the unenviable task of bringing the hurt to bad children.
No!!! Let me go!!! NOOO!!!
On December 5th, Krampusnacht,
the demon’s presence is heralded by the clanking of bells and chains as he stalks through the village for his prey.
In some traditions, he just gives you coal,
in others, he beats you with a bundle of birch twigs,
and in the harshest tellings, he scoops you up in a basket and carries you off to Hell,
which seems kind of excessive for shirking your chores.
Spooky, huh? 'Kay, bye.
Today, Krampusnacht celebrations are held all across central Europe,
where schnapps-soaked revelers don elaborate wooden masks and parade through the streets whipping people with sticks.
Doesn’t really sound like fun to me,
but then again neither does yodeling, so what do I know?
Today, Krampus has finally started to catch on in America,
mostly thanks to the high-profile horror-comedy from 2015,
but before we get there, let’s look at some of the other ways Krampus has been killed onscreen.
As a mythical demon-god, there aren’t actually too many examples of this villain being successfully vanquished,
but you might have some luck if you
Roast Him on an Open Fire
In the wake of the 2015 hit,
a zillion z-list production companies rushed to cash in on the Christmas killer,
and since Krampus in the public domain,
Pretty much anyone with a GoPro and some red food coloring is free to film their own take on the holiday horror,
and the results are… eughh...
I'd much rather be in the Carribean.
I understand.
Like ‘Krampus Unleashed,’
where a group of old West treasure hunters unearths an ancient summoning stone that awakens the demon from his restless slumber,
who promptly slaughters them all and goes back to sleep for another century.
Get out of here! RUN!!!
Then we cut to the present day, where a dysfunctional family finds the stone and unleashes Krampus to wreak havoc on the holidays.
[SCREAMS]
It’s probably the least Christmassy Krampus flick out there,
for most of the movie, our heroes think they’re hunting Bigfoot,
and since it was filmed in Arizona, there’s not even a snowflake in sight,
but it does at least give us one means of murdering the monster:
Literally minutes after this crazy old coot says that not even an A-bomb could kill it,
Bullets won't kill him! Hell, an A-bomb won't!
he lures Krampus to an old mine and blows him to hell with a stick of dynamite.
Yeah! Dynamite!
Ya-hahahaha!
Explosions seem to be pretty effective,
even in animation,
like this early ‘Venture Bros.’ episode where Krampus is blown up using the baby Jesus as a detonator,
But f you’re looking for a slightly scarier take on the killer Kringle,
check out ‘A Christmas Horror Story,’
an anthology starring William Shatner that gives us two kinds of Krampus.
I love tinsel, I love Rudolph, I love cranberries, I love baby Jesus...
In one, Krampus is cast as a vengeful spirit that possesses people who get ticked off around the holidays.
The family fails to soothe his wrath by repenting for their sins,
so they have to solve their own problems the old-fashioned way:
With brutal violence.
Our heroine confronts the creature,
drives some firewood through his throat,
Merry Christmas, Mister Falcon!
then douses him in gasoline.
Unfortunately, it’s not quite a permanent solution,
since she succumbs to her rage and becomes the next incarnation of Krampus,
You've been bad!
but she was on the right track.
Krampus might be an immortal monster from myth and folklore,
but he’s by no means immune to some
Season’s Beatings
Another entry in the anthology depicts Santa fending off a horde of elfen zombies inside his workshop.
Come on, you little devils!
Saint Nick slays Mrs. Claus and the man-eating elves with his magic staff,
only to encounter their boss,
a big, badass version of Krampus.
Kris Kringle manages to chop off one of his icy horns with an axe,
and is about to strike the killing blow when it’s revealed that the entire battle is a delusion in the head of a psychotic mall Santa named Norman.
Still, if the scenario were real, there’s a very good chance that Norman would have nailed Krampus.
Hello, Norman!
We know he’s not immune from impalement,
as long as your implement is made from the right material.
In an episode of ‘Supernatural,’
the Winchester brothers encounter Krampus as a pair of pagan gods.
Disguised as a cheerful suburban couple,
the two defile the spirit of Christmas by pulling people up chimneys,
and engaging in ritual slaughter.
...Santa?
But before the Krampi can sacrifice Sam and Dean,
the brothers deduce their weakness:
Wood from an evergreen,
AKA a Christmas tree.
They thrust the tannenbaum through the hearts of the unholy duo,
and return to their motel to ring in the holiday with porn and candy bars.
Not a bad way to spend Christmas!
Merry Christmas, bro.
Yeah... yeah. Merry Christmas.
Still on TV,
one of the coolest looking Krampi ever showed up on an episode of ‘Grimm,’
where he kidnaps all the naughty children to snack on during the Winter Solstice,
until he gets knocked the heck out with a punch from our superpowered protagonist.
YOU GOT KNOCKED THE HECK OUT!!!
BIATCH!
But if you’re not a fan of direct confrontation,
there are much less messy means of staying off the naughty list.
Your best bet if you want to make it to the new year,
is to behave, be nice, and embrace
The Spirit of the Season
Honestly, I feel like we’ve forgotten the true meaning of Krampus,
and with every new appearance,
we keep moving further away from what makes him tick.
Like the recent ‘Krampus Origins,’
a World War I tale starring yet another generic demon who can be banished by a magic amulet.
I will admit that the creature itself looks pretty cool,
honestly, even with zero budget, it puts Ares and Steppenwolf to shame,
but again, Krampus is so much more than a mindless monster.
Isn’t there anyone? Who knows what Krampus? Is all about?
And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them.
The glory of the Lord shone round about them. And they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them--
Yes, his core purpose is punishing rotten kids,
doing Santa’s dirty work while the big guy hogs all the holly jolly glory.
but did anyone bother to ask why?
Krampus isn’t evil, he’s not driven by revenge or a thirst for blood,
he just wants to spread joy and cheer his own way,
and rekindle the holiday spirit in grinches who have gotten sick of Christmas.
That’s the premise of the 2015 film,
which focuses on the Engel family who are, frankly, a mess.
These folks make the McCallisters look like Baileys,
and their constant bickering has ruined Christmas for young Max,
a stalwart believer in Saint Nick.
At the end of his rope, he renounces the holiday and tears up his letter to Santa,
which, of course, attracts the attention of Krampus.
The demon systematically destroys the entire family with an assist from Satan’s little helpers,
like a jacked-up jack-in-the-box,
and a trio of living gingerbread men.
And just when the Engels think they’ve topped the terrifying toys,
Krampus unleashes a horde of evil elves.
Aw, shoot.
Finally, as Max is dangling over a gaping, fiery Hellmouth,
he sincerely apologizes for his bah humbug hysteria,
and embraces the Christmas spirit.
Krampus still throws him into Hell anyway,
but Max’s pleas must have swayed him,
since the family wakes up on Christmas safe and sound...
...or do they?
Look, Krampus is a legend, a myth told throughout the centuries than can never really die,
but at the end of the day, he’s still just a monster.
And no matter how long the naughty list gets,
What's your last name?
Baker, with a "B."
or how much coal gets stuffed in our stockings,
now that we know How to Kill him,
we can all sleep in heavenly peace.