- Long distance relationships can be tough man,
but they can work and even thrive
if you have the right strategies.
So if you're in a long distance relationship
with someone that you love,
these five strategies can not only help you save
that long distance relationship, but make it thrive.
Check it out.
(soft music)
Hey this is Mat Boggs,
and I'm the co-founder of the Love and Relationship Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is "Empowering people
to create and live a life they love,"
and that includes your love life.
And so today,
we're talking about long distance relationships.
This question, almost every video I post someone says,
can you do a video on long distance relationships?
And so today we are doing that video
because I used to call myself
" king of long distance relationships."
I had so many long distance relationships
throughout my twenties, even into my thirties.
And in fact,
my wife started out as a long distance relationship.
We dated for almost a year
before I moved to Southern California
and we eventually got married.
And so I am living proof
that long distance relationships can work,
they can thrive,
and the can work out for the long-term
if you have the right strategies.
And so today I'm going to share with you
five strategies that will serve you
in your long distance relationships.
Strategy number one, create time together.
Now I know this might sound obvious,
but I can't overstate the importance of this one,
prioritize your time together.
Because when you create time together, in other words,
you create a vacation together,
you spend a week together,
you create a weekend getaway together.
You prioritize these benchmarks throughout your calendar,
where you say we're getting together during this time.
When you prioritize that,
it just reminds you of why you're going through the pain
of being apart,
why you're enduring the loneliness
of spending all those nights by yourself
and waiting and wanting and wishing
and hoping to be together someday.
When you get together,
it just confirms yes, I'm in this for the right reasons.
Yes, I've been going through this struggle for a reason
because I love you so much.
So I actually learned this from my grandparents.
When my grandfather went off to World War II,
anytime he came home,
sometimes he would get shipped back
and he'd be in another state,
or he'd be across the country.
My grandmother would tell me stories
about how she would quit her job,
sell something that she owned
just to buy the train ticket to go
and spend one night with my grandfather.
They had an epic love story.
They were married 63 years.
And my grandmother would often say,
if I didn't prioritize him,
if I didn't prioritize us and that relationship,
I don't know if we would be married,
I don't know if we would have lasted this many years.
But it's prioritizing love that mattered to them.
And so that's what they did
and that's led them to creating a phenomenal relationship.
So in your relationship,
how are you prioritizing each other?
Specifically,
how are you prioritizing creating time together?
Number two is to create supportive phone calls.
Now there's a really funny dynamic
that can happen in a long distance relationship,
maybe you've experienced this
where either you'll do unders or overs.
And unders or where you both get really sad together,
and the majority of the conversation
is about how much you miss each other
and about how hard things are when you're not together.
And this takes the conversation in a really sad tone.
And while there's some satisfaction
in indulging in that sadness with one another,
the challenge becomes before you talk the next time
you're anticipating,
gosh do I really wanna have
a really sad conversation right now?
So if you let things get too sad, that can be a deterrent
for even wanting to get on the phone with another.
On the other hand, there's a really funny dynamic
that happens on the other end of the spectrum.
What happens is the pendulum will swing to sad,
and then people will let it go the other way.
They're like, let's not be sad, let's be happy.
And so then they'll start sharing
about how awesome their day is
and how amazing it was, how fun it was
and all the adventures they had.
And you can start to compete to see who had the better day.
It's a really funny dynamic.
I can remember my girlfriend and I
started to get in this competition very slowly and gradually
where it was get on the phone,
and oh, my day was so awesome and it was this and that.
And then she'd say her day was amazing
we had these amazing days, but it kind of felt bad too,
because we were just competing
to see who would have a great day,
and there's a part of you that wants to be missed.
And so keeping it as a house healthy balance
where it's okay to share how sad you are,
but make sure that you don't let it drop
into the depths of despair.
At the same time,
it's okay to share how awesome your day is going,
but then you can soften that
and bring the other person into your day.
If your day is really awesome, then say,
and it's even more awesome
because I get to share it with you right now.
Or it would have been even more awesome if you were here,
I'd have loved to share this experience with you.
Bring them into your day,
because it can be really easy to feel separate and alone
if both people are creating awesome worlds
without each other.
So one of the things that can support you with this,
if you'd love some phrases that can support your man
in feeling great
and feeling seen, heard, acknowledged, desired
and increasing his attraction,
I've got a great free gift for you
called 15 Phrases that Ignite Desire in a Man.
And so it's a free PDF,
you're gonna love these phrases,
infuse these into your conversation.
He's gonna love it,
and it will help you feel more connected overall.
You can click the link, grab that as a gift from me to you.
The third strategy
that can help you in a long distance relationship
is to do what I call create an inner world together.
This is something special
that only the two of you know about,
only the two of you do it.
It's unique just for the two of you.
So let me give you a few examples of this.
There's a couple that I know that when they were together,
let's say there were at dinner with friends,
she'd hold his hand on their table
and squeeze his hand three times
and that was code for, I love you.
And then when they were apart,
she would send him a text that said, squeeze times three.
Instead of saying, I love you,
squeeze times three is her way of saying, I love you.
No, she would also say, I love you,
but it was just unique inside their own inner world way
of saying, I love you.
Another couple when they would get together,
they'd be at an event where there's lots of things going on,
whether it be a festival, or a nightclub, or a party,
and they would have this practice
where they would hug and just close their eyes
and take in all of the sounds
and everything going on around them,
and imagine that they were in their own unique world
while life was buzzing around them.
And they would open their hearts,
and feel the love back and forth between each other.
Now that is super cool.
Now I love that
because it's their own inner unique experience
while the world is going on around them.
So there are things that you can create
just between the two of you, whether it's pet names,
whether it's fun stories that you have with one another,
whether it's callbacks from movies
that you've enjoyed with one another,
all of that stuff helps to create your inner world.
And that in a world becomes special and unique
just to the two of you.
Strategy number four, is to create rituals.
Rituals are things that you do on a regular repeated basis,
but they're more than just habits or routines.
Rituals carry meaning, they carry emotion inside of them.
And so a ritual might be in the morning,
you get on the phone with one another
and you share your five gratitudes for that day.
Or maybe you do gratitudes at night with one another,
or maybe you pray together at night with one another.
A ritual helps build the intimacy in the relationship.
Another ritual might be
that you cook together in the morning,
you're gonna cook breakfast on FaceTime,
and then you share your intentions for today.
Here's my intention
and what I'm wanting to create for the day,
and he shows his intention.
Or you even pump each other up with affirmations
before you leave, before you hang up in the morning,
you say, okay, I'm gonna give you some affirmations.
And he opens and he receives these affirmations.
And you say to him, you're amazing,
you're strong, you're smart, you're powerful,
you're attracting massive success today.
You're attracting money, joy, abundance,
and prosperity into your life.
Now, whatever affirmations you would love for him to say,
give him those affirmations,
He can give you his affirmations
and you pour into each other.
This is a great way to not only build the connection,
but to deepen the intimacy
that you're experiencing in that relationship.
And the fifth strategy
for supporting your long distance relationship
is to create anchors.
Now what's an anchor?
An anchor is a goal that the two of you have
for the next time you're gonna see each other,
or the goal for when you're actually going to be together.
And this is super important
because the difference between meaning and suffering,
is meaning is working towards a goal
that you're holding in mind,
suffering is pain without meaning.
When you're missing each other,
when you're sad,
when you're sleeping in your own bed,
and you don't know
the next time you're gonna see one another,
or you don't know what you're working towards,
there's suffering in that moment.
It's like you pulling up a rope
and there's 50 pounds at the end of this rope,
and it's hard and your muscles are burning
and you have no idea how long this rope is
or how long you'll have to pull,
that becomes suffering.
But if someone tells you,
no, there's a toddler at the end of this rope,
they'd fallen into a well
and your job is to help pull them up to safety.
Now, you know what you're working towards
and you know there's an end goal in mind
when you save that toddler from that well.
Same thing in a relationship,
never part from one another,
without a plan for when you're gonna see each other next,
that's an anchor.
There's actually two kinds of anchors.
One anchor is the next time you're gonna see each other.
And so when you know that before you part,
what's amazing as the partying becomes way less painful,
because instead of oh I'm gonna miss you so bad
and this is gonna be so hard and your heart is breaking
because you don't know
when you're gonna see each other next.
Instead it becomes excitement
like oh this was such an amazing experience
and I can't wait till we get together in Thanksgiving,
or I can't wait until we get together at this spot
or I can't wait until this,
but you have something that you're hooking to.
That really helps the emotional process
for when the two of you have to leave.
So one anchor is the next time you're gonna see each other,
but the second anchor is just as important,
if not actually more important.
And this is the plan
for when long distance will come to an end,
when will the two of you get to be together?
What is the plan?
Is he moving to where you live?
Are you moving to where he lives?
There's no right or wrong answer here,
but having a plan makes it all worth it.
Like if we can get through this,
then I know we can be together.
Once you're done with school, we're gonna be together.
Once you're done on deployment,
then we're gonna be together.
Whatever the case is,
if you have a plan for when you're gonna be together,
that can make it all worth it.
And if sometimes life isn't static
where you actually don't know exactly
when, where that's gonna be,
but you do know when you can set a plan
or when you might have more information.
So if you know, hey, six months from now,
we're gonna have more information
and that's what we're gonna be able to make the plan,
then that can serve the energetic flow
just as much as actually having the plan.
So my question for you is
what strategies have you found
support a long distance relationship?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
And again, if you like this video,
take a moment, get subscribed, be part of this community
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
Thanks so much for watching. I'll see you soon.
(soft music)