Nice to have you here.
Brought the Hot Stuff bag.
Oh, okay, (audience cheers)
let's not, let's ramp up to that gradually, all right?
We'll do it gently, Bentley.
Uh, okay. (audience laughs)
We're off and running already.
Now, I don't want to waste any time, Sue,
a lot of people like myself,
we don't talk about sex often.
This is a chance for us to learn.
I was told that the first thing you want to do
is dispel some common myths.
Is that true?
Well, so many people have such a bad idea,
wrong ideas about human sexuality.
Men are convinced, that to be a good lover
they've got to have this humongous penis
with an erection that is so rigid,
you can strike matches on it.
(audience laughs and cheers)
I'm lucky I make a lot of money.
(audience laughs)
Are we talking (makes silly noise)?
Now, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
(audience laughs) Geez (laughs),
aren't you glad you stuck around, Ray?
You might know.
I haven't any now.
(audience laughs)
I heard that you get turned on
with women that you've never met.
That's what you were just saying a while ago.
And I thought, Oh, that's interesting. Okay.
So Sue, what you're saying then to us
is that it's not true, size does not matter.
No, bigger is not better. Penis size does not matter.
'Cause you know that 87% of females reach orgasm
by clitoral stimulation.
Now the clitoris is up here,
and the vagina is up here. I'll take your word for it.
Yeah, please do. We're not going
to have show-and-tell. I have no idea.
"I have no idea," oh, yeah right.
(audience laughs)
You'd be shocked. So, where did that myth come from then?
Why do men think that the penis has to be,
you know, as huge?
Well, they think that that really is what women want.
That it's satisfying.
Now we are always delighted, when a guy comes in
to the bedroom with this humongous erection,
but it's from a psychological point of view.
We look at that penis, and we say:
(clicks tongue) Boy, am I good. Am I good.
I really know how to turn him on (pants).
(audience laughs and cheers)
That noise at the end really bothered me.
It's been a while since you've heard it?
(audience laughs and jeers)
If you listened to my interview with Ray,
you'd know I have a five-month-old.
That's what I'm saying.
Okay, let's move on.
I guess it's been a while.
Orgasms are... You say orgasms are overrated.
Grossly overrated.
The whole idea that females are going to have
this cataclysmic, earth-shattering,
10-on-the-Richter-scale orgasm every time they have sex,
nuh-uh, not going to happen.
Uh, yes, it will.
(audience laughs) Oh, you wish!
I got the goods! (audience laughs)
So we're told. (Conan laughs)
Ray is taking notes over here.
You are a big proponent of sex toys.
Yes. But I want to ask
you something.
There are a lot of people out there, and I won't name names,
but there are people
that they don't want to go and buy a sex toy.
They're known, they're on TV every night.
Uh... (clears throat).
(audience laughs)
And so they, they're like, you know,
they can't do that.
And, and then, they don't want to order it, that seems--
What do you, what do you suggest to those people?
Well, I think the last time I was here
I used the chin dong, and I left it for you.
Uh, yeah.
That was Jay Leno.
(Conan laughs)
(audience laughs and claps)
(audience cheers)
Come here, you little vixen, you, c'mere.
Well, you know, but the thing is,
if you look around the house, you can always find things
that you can use as a sex toy.
What the hell are you talking about?
Well--
Use something around the house?
Yes.
Conan: Like what?
Absolutely. An electric toothbrush.
Conan: What?
Now wait a minute, have you ever
taken an electric toothbrush and turned it around?
Oh, turn it around.
Yeah. So that you're not using the bristles.
Yeah. Okay. We didn't have to like, yeah.
That's not a good image. No, no, no, no.
Who's been using my toothbrush?
(audience gasps and groans)
If you can't handle this, the exit's right up there.
And you at home, no excuse,
you can turn off right now if you want to.
Wise.
Exactly.
You're talking about like, a desperate need of
a vibrator, a substitute for a vibrator?
Because I've been, not when I married,
but in my single days, I've been in a hotel,
and the woman... this is so personal.
(audience laughs)
You're doing well, you're doing great.
The woman forgot hers.
And it was a woman who needed it,
and so I was desperate to find something.
I went down to the gift shop and all I could find
was the monkey with the cymbals that did this.
And somehow it worked.
Now, if you...
A little imagination here,
I would take the cymbals off, you know (makes silly noise).
I'd take those off,
but then you've got two free hands.
Uh-huh. I see.
I want you to think of the fun you could have with that.
Puts a whole new meaning to clackers.
But let's just...
To research... to rewind again. Clitoris on top, right?
(Sue laughs)
Can you draw that for us before you go?
I would, yes, of course.
So, are there, there are, it's just like everyday items.
And you can... you've said to people
you can build your own. How would you build your own?
Bubble wrap.
(laughs) Hello? Hello? Bubble wrap? Wrap?
The man should wrap his--
No, no. Put bubble wrap on your flat of your hand.
Duct tape it.
So it doesn't slide off.
Put some lube on it, and you use it for masturbation.
(audience laughs and claps)
Ray: Why are you looking at me?
Wouldn't the popping sound sort of just ruin the mood?
Oh yeah, that would be lovely (makes popping noises).
(audience laughs)
Who are you?
All right, we're completely out of time, you have,
can you just show us quickly one of your devices.
We only have time for one.
Oh, I've got two of them. Never leave home without them.
Now look at that.
What is this called?
This one is the Royal Butler.
Feel it, feel it. Come on.
Conan: Uh, no.
Come on.
And you use this, you can stick it
on the wall of the shower,
What?
Oh yeah, use this in the bathroom, yeah, yeah.
Please tell me for hanging a towel or something.
(audience laughs)
If push comes to shove, you can use this
for hanging a towel (laughs).
Sue: Feel it, feel it.
Uh, no, I trust you. I trust you.
You guys are just chicken.
Chicken? Sorry.
Can I just? It comes in other colors though, right?
We don't need red, right?
Red, something is wrong about red.
Can you put it on the top speed?
I want to see if you can make a milkshake with this thing.
Look at that. It's moving.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it'll walk across the floor.
Come and get me big boy. (audience laughs and groans)
All right.
All right, we have another one.
No, no, no, that's okay. We got to go.
Uh, what is that?
That's a happy rabbit.
Okay. This is where the segment ends right here.
(audience laughs)
We got to go, I don't even want to know what that does.
Oh, yes, you do. No, I don't.
Look, this thing is killing itself.
It's jumping off the edge.
It can't compete with that guy.
All right, well, Talk Sex with Sue Johanson airs
Sunday nights at 11 on Oxygen.
Sue Johanson, thank you so much for being here.
(audience cheers and claps)