I have a folder on my laptop
containing flattering photos of me
that I have asked my family to give to the police
should I ever go missing.
LAUGHTER
David's team.
So, erm, how, how many in the range?
I think at the moment, cos I'm quite picky,
it's around about 55 to 60.
LAUGHTER
Oh, so that's a good range for the police to choose from.
Yes, well, I wanted to give them options. Yeah.
Where did you get this idea from, Tom?
Erm, I think I just always, whenever I watch things
like Crimewatch, or the news, I always think to myself,
I would hate to look like some of the people on there.
LAUGHTER
What, do you mean the quality of the photograph?
Yes, yes.
More than the crimes?
Oh, who cares?
LAUGHTER
What sort of poses did you pull for these photos then, Tom?
Erm, I think it's always good to look like you're smiling,
isn't it, because I think that would probably encourage more people
to come and find me.
So, show us. Have a look at,
have a look down seven and give us pose number one.
So anything where I'm like...
LAUGHTER
God. I'm surprised anyone would want to take you.
LAUGHTER
What did you call the folder,
cos it must have a name, on your desktop?
What did you call it?
Well, I, I just call it, I call it, erm, Emergency Photos.
That could mean something else, Tom, to be fair.
LAUGHTER
"My wife's out tonight, I'll need the emergency photos."
LAUGHTER
Emergency photos for if the Wi-Fi goes down.
LAUGHTER
"I'm going to have to do this the old-fashioned way."
LAUGHTER
Do you, do you play around with filters and stuff, I mean,
is there a sort of disappearance filter?
What, so I look like I've got bunny ears or something? Yeah.
Sepia, you could do it sepia,
and then it would look like you disappeared hundreds of years ago.
LAUGHTER
Well, what do you think, Geoff?
I just hope this doesn't end up being chilling archive footage.
LAUGHTER
Well, some of the,
some of the photographs you see on the news and stuff
are so miserable, where people are, like...
I mean... You think, "Oh, I'd hate that to be me."
..when you're being kidnapped,
I don't think that's, like, the main thing that you'd be worried about,
if you was in someone's cellar, handcuffed to a radiator,
you'd be thinking, "Jesus, I hope they don't use Malaga '97 photos"?
LAUGHTER
But why would he need 53?
Well, I suppose he wants to give the programme makers a range.
How many outfits did you bring for this evening's recording, Tom?
Well, I brought three suits and I bought five shirts...
OK, it's true. Blatantly.
I bought lots of... See?
I came with none and found this in the bin.
LAUGHTER
You think it's true? Yeah. You think, do you think it's...
You DON'T think it's true? No, I don't, actually.
Oh, this puts me in an awkward position of having to think.
LAUGHTER
My instinct is that it's a lie.
All right.
Tom, was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
I can tell you,
it was a...
..lie.
APPLAUSE