This programme contains some strong language
MUSIC PLAYS
WOMAN GROANS
You know, I think this might be the best date of my life.
He is perfect.
Hot, funny, nice, normal.
Tonight's date three, so...
You know what that means?
I've got to get the fuck out of here.
Our first date was good.
Three years of always flirting and necking,
and I wanted the whole bougey rom-com treatment.
We went ice skating, and then to A&E, but...
..mostly ice skating.
The second date was better.
He even bought me a book.
Granted, it was a medical textbook to show where it says
that my sriracha intake qualifies as potentially lethal.
This is fully disgusting, but...
..we're wearing matching T-shirts.
I liked his and he got me this.
His is Jerry Seinfeld and mine's Elaine.
We're each other's teenage crushes.
He doesn't even care that I'm fit.
It's nice to have someone tell you that you're funny, or accomplished,
or that you know a lot about ant farms AND Chrissy Teigen.
Shows they're listening.
There's probably an Audre Lorde essay about that.
Ah!
I should probably text him, right?
He really wanted to try this place.
He's like a foodie, but with soups.
Today was cream of spiced hazelnut.
My bag.
Shit!
Keys, phone, highlighter, meds...
Meds!
My mum's started counting the pills now.
It's like I'm five again.
Except without that serotonin production!
SHE EXHALES
What would Elle Woods do?
On reflection, Elle Woods would probably not do this.
PHONE RINGS
That's Mum.
Shit.
I'm still doing the whole
"pretending I have no body hair or negative emotions" date-y thing.
I realise that by date three, you're supposed to
ease out of being a fake bitch and into being a massive ho.
But...
..at what point are you supposed to tell someone that you're...
PHONE RINGS
Sorry. Like, it's... I know.
I know it's her.
I've turned on Find My Friends
so she doesn't think I'm dead in a ditch somewhere.
Or in some fella's shed, or basement,
or mobile torture van...
Men love murdering women.
I don't think he'd murder me, though.
He cried at A Bug's Life.
Once, I thought he was going to murder me -
when he started writing down things I'd said, but...
..it was just so he could remember the things I like.
Like this shirt.
Makes me feel like I'll live forever.
CUTLERY CLATTERS
What makes yous'ns think this is any of your business?
PHONE RINGS
Oh.
He didn't even start without me.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
Like, what would have happened?
I could have just let him fall in love with whoever he thinks I am.
We could buy plants together and argue over who makes breakfast
and I can slowly kill the both of us, instead of just myself,
but it'd be my fault that he never really knew me.
Hey.
Sriracha.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
I'm crazy.
I am manic and depressive and...
..a bunch of other things that
no-one ever really wants to talk about. I...
..climbed out of a window to avoid you,
and that doesn't even crack the top five bad decisions of the week.
Look, right now, things look perfect.
You're perfect and you think I'm perfect, but I'm not,
and the longer this... PHONE RINGS
And that's my mum.
She calls three times a day because...
..I scare her.
She thinks I'm going to have a breakdown again.
Or hurt myself again.
Or just do whatever it takes to make things stop for a second, because...
..I'm scared, too.
You don't... No, don't get me wrong, this isn't a cry for help.
I'm learning to take care of myself.
I'm trying to be OK, I'm trying, but...I'm a mess.
And you're... you're you, you're perfect.
It's an hour into the date and you're not even covered in crap.
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
SHE LAUGHS
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Did you eyes burn in that soup?
Yeah. Yeah, a wee bit.