Here you are.
You were on the path of awareness,
and on this path, what you've discovered
is that your personal trauma in your past
has so much to do with who you are today,
including what you want.
What you've experienced is that if you become aware of this trauma
and that you create resolve around it,
you change.
This also means what you desire changes.
And it is here that you make a critical mistake.
You Can't Heal Yourself Out of a Desire!
You're smart enough to see
that if you heal your trauma,
desires often change.
So what you try to do
is that you play this game in reverse.
You see that you have a desire,
but you believe that this desire, or the getting of it,
is gonna lead to some kind of pain.
Most especially the loss of relationships.
So what you do is that you try to heal,
you try to resolve the trauma,
so that...
you don't have the desire anymore.
Essentially you try to process or heal yourself out of a desire.
What you do not understand is that this is not how the universe works.
And this approach often does nothing
but make the desire stronger.
I'll give you an example of this dynamic
so it can make more sense.
Imagine that a woman is raised in a family and a culture
that has specifically taught her to be a wife and mother.
Deep down she always had a deep yearning
to become a success for her own achievements.
Not to have her success be all about what she does
as a caretaker for other people so that they can succeed.
So imagine that this woman gets married and she has a baby.
She loves them both, but she still has this deep yearning
for this personal achievement and success.
Now obviously,
She may look at this whole scenario and think:
"Well crap, if I line up with that desire of mine,
I'm not gonna have a husband anymore.
He's gonna have such a big problem with it,
if he doesn't make my life hell 24 hours a day making me feel guilty and etc,
he's just gonna leave me."
And she may look at her child and think:
"You know what? I'm gonna ruin that child's life,
because what he needs is a mother to be completely dedicated to him
and what he wants.
So...
You know...
Be a terrible mother...
Have my own kid hate me...
potentially have him not get the needs he needs meant for his success."
That sucks!
That desire is gonna lead to pain, right?
Or she understands where this whole need of hers...
This desire comes from.
She understands that it comes from her family in her culture.
Where she was only ever bred to be an accessory
for someone else's success.
It was never something
where she could be supported for her success.
Now it's tempting for this woman,
based off of thinking that this desire is gonna lead to pain,
to think about this:
"Maybe if I just resolve all of the trauma
that I had there in my childhood,
with my life always being about someone else's success,
then it's not gonna be a desire for me to have personal success."
"Oh my god, I can just heal myself out of that desire."
Basically, she thinks that if she just resolves this trauma,
she's gonna eventually feel amazing as a wife and mother.
But this isn't really how desire works.
In fact, the more that she tries to heal all of this trauma,
so as to not have the desire,
that desire gets stronger and stronger,
and in fact, it becomes harder and harder to feel satisfied
in her position as wife and mother.
The times that we tend to do this most,
is when something that we desire,
seems to be in direct opposition
to the connections in our life.
Social connections are everything for the physical human.
It is a more important thing than even basics, like food and water.
Therefore, it's obvious and understandable
why when it seems like a desire of ours will threaten our connections,
why we are so willing to get rid of the desire,
or why we're so desperate to heal out of it,
so we can want something else
that enables there to be a good relationship there.
This is even more amplified,
when the social group that we are in,
whether it's a family or a culture or a society or whatever,
leads us to believe that our desire is wrong.
People have this idea that certain desires are bad and wrong
and that if you desire them, it means something bad about you.
This is obvious to see
when two people are facing the issue of incompatibility.
When it becomes obvious
that someone is incompatible to us,
but we really want that relationship,
what we end up doing here
is that we try to make them wrong for what they want
or what they are.
This creates shame in them
and then they start to deflect that shame.
They start to make us wrong for what we are
and what we desire instead.
This is the way that we hope
we can create change in the other person.
So if they just see
that it's bad and wrong about themselves, and fix it,
and don't desire that thing anymore,
finally we can have them and keep them with us.
When we make the other person wrong for their desire,
when it differs from our own,
we come up with a reason why they're wrong for it
and try to heal them out of it
(basically out of that difference),
and try to change it so it doesn't exist.
Now, obviously it never works
to approach somebody in this manner
because the underlying message here is:
"Something about you is wrong and needs to be fixed."
That's pretty much the opposite message from: "I love you."
So obviously the underlying tone
in this type of a style of relationship
is eventual demise.
Because it's just a buildup
of resentment and feeling unloved.
It also doesn't work because
you can't un-want something that you want.
To understand more about this you can watch my video,
that is titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
Something that I'm very interested
in having people accept
is that you currently live in a time-space reality
of contrast,
otherwise known as polarities.
What you desire is always gonna be
the byproduct of experiencing something unwanted.
It sounds a lot like trauma. ~ chuckles ~
Both personal expansion and the expansion of this universe
is occurring as the result of desire.
This means that you have to accept that desire
always comes from the unwanted experience.
At this point in our evolution,
desire comes from trauma specifically.
There isn't such a thing
as a good desire and a bad desire.
Anytime we judge a desire as bad and wrong,
we really need to question this judgment
and consciously look deeper into understanding the desire itself
as well as our resistance to it.
Where people are accurately feeling a discrepancy
relative to desire,
is relative to people
who actually want something different than what they think they want.
Let me explain;
For one man,
he could want to be a multi-millionaire
because he wants that feeling of being financially free
and that specific feeling of abundance that comes with knowing
that he is the one that created that stream of income.
For this man, being wealthy
and therefore working for it in this way,
is his true desire.
For another man,
if he asks himself why he wants to be a multi-millionaire,
it is so that he can have women be interested in him,
because he wants a relationship so badly.
Why does he want a relationship so badly?
Because he's lonely and therefore wants connection
and wants to be wanted.
It is obvious then, that he has not taken the direct route
to getting what he really wants.
He's finding a back road to get it in a roundabout way.
Trying to make money will not feel good to him
because it is a means to an end.
If he accepted his true desire
he would probably go about getting it in a different way.
His thoughts words and actions
would change to be more in alignment with his actual desires.
As a result of being more in alignment in this way,
he will feel happier and achieve his desires faster.
Keep in mind that people want things
for mixed reasons sometimes
and that's okay.
For example,
in this previous scenario,
a man could want to be a multi-millionaire
because he wants that feeling of being financially free
and knowing that that stream of abundance has come through him
and what he's creating, and also,
he really wants a relationship with deep connection.
If this is the case,
it's gonna be perfectly in alignment
and feel good for him to work towards being a multi-millionaire
and at the same time, he's going to be prioritizing
having close relationships with people.
When problems arise,
is when we convince ourselves, we want something
we don't want.
Problems arise when what we are doing is just a means to an end,
or a strategy that we're using
to get to what we really want.
To understand this concept in depth,
watch my video titled:
If You Want To Be Happy Don't Do This
Speaking of mixed reasons for wanting things,
most strong desires
are actually the result of mixed reasons
for wanting that desire.
Let me explain;
Oh Yeah, and by the way,
we tend to judge certain reasons
that we want something as shadowy.
Somebody who considers themselves to be a healer,
may have the reasoning for being a healer,
that they love the feeling of watching someone
feel better than they do already.
Another reason might be ...
That in making someone aware
you actually make yourself safer.
Maybe in this person's childhood they experienced
someone's lack of awareness and unattunement
to be the reason they got hurt over and over again.
So if they can just make people as aware as possible
and heal them from all of their trauma,
they can finally be safe in the world.
That's a really common pattern, by the way,
that you'll see in healers.
Notice your tendency to make this wrong
because of where it comes from.
The desire isn't wrong.
It simply suggests that where the focus needs to be,
is on what can be done to feel safe in social situations.
When a person looks at this,
as a reason behind why they are desiring to heal people,
right?
Maybe they'll discover
that the real problem (being feeling safe socially)
means doing something completely different and direct.
Maybe it actually does mean
making people more aware
and helping them to heal so that this world is safer.
Maybe that's the empowering step.
What really makes somebody safe
in terms of their reasoning's for a desire,
is if they're conscious of them.
It's a very different thing when someone is conscious
of the fact that one of their motives for healing
is so that they can try to make the world safer
to live in for themselves,
then for somebody who subconsciously has that motive,
but just keeps telling you: "I just love helping people."
"I just love it."
At this point,
again, it's important to correct some of the vernacular
that is making there be a confusion here.
In the consciousness community,
the word "Shadow" is used for two different things.
"Shadow" = Something someone is unaware of.
That's the first thing.
Second: "Shadow"
= Something that's bad or wrong or out of alignment about someone.
If I had my way, as you guys know from previous episodes,
I really wish we could change this vernacular
because it's creating a lot of confusion.
If something that a person is thinking, saying or doing
is not in alignment
with their desires, well-being or perhaps the well-being of others,
this pattern of being out of alignment in some way,
is most often what people call someone's shadow.
I would rather this be called someone's misalignment.
The reason is that so often
when I'm trying to get people to be aware of their shadows,
there's an implication that your shadow
is always bad and wrong.
It's not!
Because shadow is really just what your unconscious of.
It could be amazing things you're totally unaware of as well.
So if we could change this vernacular
within our community, I would love that.
Now we all have to be aware
that if we perceive that somebody is actually
in a state of misalignment somehow,
what's often happening there
is not that they're out of alignment,
it's actually that they're misaligned
with our desire for them.
Now our desire for somebody
is really about our desire for ourself.
So what's actually happening here,
if you want to dive deeper into the subject
than I'm going to go into in this video,
is that often,
when we perceive somebody else to be misaligned,
what's actually happening is that what they're misaligned with
is our overlay.
To understand this in depth watch my video titled:
Overlay (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship)
When we come out of this overlay state that we're in
so that we can actually see
where someone's actual alignment is,
instead of our judgment about something being misaligned,
meaning that we can accurately perceive what their desires and best interests are.
Sometimes we have to face the very real fact that
their desires are in the opposite direction of our own.
This is what incompatibility is all about.
The better you get at actually honing in on your desire,
the easier it will be
to understand what direction to go
in order to actualize that desire.
It'll be much easier to interpret
what the best course of action is,
that will yield the best results.
So what I want you to do with this,
is to ask yourself: "Why?",
relative to any desire you have.
And keep asking it, and keep asking it,
so that you can whittle down
what you desire,
to its most basic and essential self.
Here's an example;
Let's say you're conscious that you want a good job.
Ask yourself: "Why?"
The answer may be so you can make lots of money and be successful.
Ask yourself: "Why you want to make lots of money and be successful?"
The answer may be, so other people start taking you seriously.
So ask yourself: "Why you need other people to start taking you seriously?"
The answer may be so that they will see you as worthy of connecting with.
This exercise may prove to you
that what you really want is to feel like people
want to connect with you and value you.
Obviously, if you know that you may go about getting that
in a different way.
You may even see that the way
you would try to get that experience would give you the opposite feeling.
Because in trying to get a good job
so that other people will value you,
it proves you don't have value
and they don't value you as a person.
Maybe if you do enough healing on that feeling
that you can't be valued for who you are,
separate of what you do,
you will choose not to take a job
which is held in high societal esteem.
Or guess what?
It could also be the case that when you look at this whole pattern,
look at what you're really wanting,
you will still take a job that is considered to hold
high societal esteem.
However, you will be doing this
not because or so that
this particular career gets you that value,
you'll be doing it for another reason entirely.
Authenticity is the most crucial thing to live in alignment with,
especially relative to your desires.
Because I'm going to tell you the honest truth about desire;
Even if you want to,
you cannot avoid it.
You cannot unwant something that is wanted.
It is not actually possible.
Now sometimes,
if somebody sees a trauma
that might have led to a desire that they have
and they focus on the resolution of that trauma,
their desire may change.
But guess what?
It's just as much likely
that if you see that trauma and resolve the trauma,
the desire intensifies.
Essentially, they just come at that desire
with a completely different energy
and from a completely different angle.
We could consider it a more in alignment angle,
but they still have the same damn desire.
For this reason,
I suggest that you watch my video titled:
How To Be Authentic
I also, never want you to forget something;
The experiencing
of something that is wanted
is often the thing that is necessary
to create the healing in the first place.
When we're into the awareness work,
we tend to think that all it's going to take
is us mentally and emotionally going through this process.
And that nothing actually has to happen in the physical.
But sometimes it is the actual experience
of the opposite of whatever our trauma is,
that creates the healing.
To understand healing in depth,
as well as this concept
that pertains to the experiencing of what you want,
no matter if the desire comes from trauma or not,
is the only thing that will actually heal the trauma,
watch my video titled:
What is Healing?
Desires are always being amended.
Desire is always evolving.
It is a no end game type of a state.
Now the faster that you can understand this,
the easier life will be.
Because for thousands of years
desire has been made the enemy.
Desire is not the problem.
It's all of the things that are opposing desire
that are the problem.
It's your beliefs.
Especially the belief
that going in the direction of a certain desire
will only lead to pain.
Or that I can't have it no matter how much I want it.
You will never find a sweet spot in life
where you have achieved everything you ever wanted
and therefore you feel awesome all the time
and desire nothing else.
The reason you want that end state
is because you associate pain with wanting.
What if the only way to not be in pain
(relative to wanting)
is to release your resistance to wanting in general.
And to the things you're wanting.
You have one option in this universe,
it is to line up with what is wanted.
Some people try to get around this
by wanting what is.
That's OK, if it's genuinely all you want.
But the sooner that you will just understand and accept
that wanting is never going to end.
And that the minute you achieve something
you will want something else.
And the more you resolve your resistance to what you want
so you can line up with it, and quickly,
the less pain you will feel around wanting.
It may be the case that when we discover a trauma
and work to resolve that trauma that our desires change.
But we have no idea if they're going to change
or what they're going to change into.
All that will happen as a result of healing
is that we will become more authentic to who we really are
and what we really want.
For this reason, and even though it's a terrifying thing to accept,
you cannot process and heal yourself
out of a desire.
You cannot heal yourself
SO THAT you don't have a specific desire.
You can't heal someone else
SO THAT they don't have a specific desire.
Because this is not healing at all.
What this is,
is resisting a desire.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com