- [Original Poster] I am 31.
I have been dating my girlfriend, she's 30,
for around seven months now.
Our relationship has been going quite well so far.
We have similar interests, sense of humor,
principles, values.
However, I have noticed her flirtatious behavior
while she's drunk a couple of times now,
as I have been a designated driver for my girlfriend
on a couple of occasions.
The first time I was driving her and her friends around
while they were drinking.
Once they were quite drunk,
I noticed my girlfriend was starting to chat up other men
at different places and kept trying to get them
to join us for drinks.
Her friends weren't interested
in having other people join them.
And so the other men didn't.
I found this behavior of hers to throw me off a little,
but I didn't say anything,
as I figured she was having fun and enjoying herself,
and I wanted to leave it at that
and not make a deal out of it.
Another time I took my girlfriend to her friend's house
and her friend's husband had a friend.
I'll call him M, who was there as well.
They were all drinking, but I wasn't,
as I had to work the next morning
M was very obviously attracted to my girlfriend,
as I noticed he was always staring at her.
And so as the night progressed,
my girlfriend and M were having very flirty banter,
joking with each other.
She was always smiling at him and playing with her hair.
And by the end of the night, she was wearing his watch,
touching him playfully.
And they hugged each other quite a few times
as she and I were getting ready to leave.
And after the last time she hugged him,
he grabbed her arm and said, "Keep in touch."
Well, this whole night made me feel uncomfortable
as I sat beside her and watched their interactions
with one another.
Once we were home I told her
that I felt uncomfortable about their interaction.
She immediately became defensive
and said she was not flirting.
And that if she wanted to,
she could have had sex with him
the last time she saw him several years ago,
but then later in the conversation,
she said she noticed he was really into her.
And she told me that if she had stayed and I had left,
she knows that M would have tried to hook up with her.
And so I asked her that if she was getting vibes
that he wanted to hook up with her,
why was she engaging in playful banter with him all night?
She again became defensive, then turned it on me,
as I have a female roommate.
I told her that if I had any inkling
that my roommate was interested in me
beyond a platonic relationship,
then I would not be roommates with her, let alone friends.
Anyways, my girlfriend said that she wanted space
and asked me to leave.
And so I went home.
Is my discomfort valid in these situations?
Or am I overreacting and need to learn
to become comfortable
with my girlfriend's flirting with others while drinking?
My girlfriend flirts with other men when she's drunk
and denies ever flirting.
Should I be concerned?
Update, I went home after she asked me to leave.
Once I got home, I messaged her that I loved her
and want to work through things with her.
I then log onto social media
and see that she posted a bikini selfie of herself
minutes after she asked me to leave her place.
- [Responder] Yeah, she's behaving ridiculously.
How would she feel if you got bombed
and started rubbing your deltoids at some babe.
Also, she didn't even acknowledge that it was possible
that you could feel bad about it.
It wasn't flirting?
Dang.
How does she flirt then?
Then of course,
the counterattack about the female roommate.
You can find someone to humiliate you
in any number of places, if you're into that.
You don't call them girlfriends though, sorry.
I think this one's hit the iceberg.
Do you need a bigger red flag?
She is seducing other men in your presence.
Really?
You are not overreacting.
If you want to work it out at all,
you clearly have to set some boundaries.
Don't ignore that big red flag.
Yes, this is your gut telling you
this is a big red flag and to leave.
You will never be able to trust her drunk by herself.
Oof, this red flag is huge.
My ex did the same shit and guess what?
She cheated.
If she's doing this shit seven months in,
it's only going to get worse until the line gets crossed,
which she is prodding right now.
The bikini selfie is to make you jealous,
but also to draw in other male attention,
I'd walk.
Same here.
My ex would behave way out of boundaries
we had set when she was drunk,
then get defensive when I confronted her about it.
She'd get defensive, then play the victim,
that I always treated her badly when she was drunk
because of me confronting her,
then project onto me and find reasons
that I wasn't being faithful, probably the most anxiety
and insecurity-ridden year of my life.
I'm usually an advocate for giving people
the benefit of the doubt.
But if I was in your shoes, I'd get out immediately.
I hung on for another six months
because I was in denial and an idiot about it.
I couldn't imagine a whole year.
Talk about painful and screwing with your head.
Same here.
I let us work through multiple incidents
of infidelity because I thought it was just growing pains
of a relationship and it would even out.
Absolutely not.
That year, which coincidentally ended with me
finding out she was cheating, yet again, ended in February,
and I know I'll be dealing with the longterm effects of it
for quite some time.
I feel for you and what you had to go through.
It's hard being one to give people the benefit of the doubt
when they don't deserve it.
I feel for you, too.
It'll get better.
Mine was about four years ago,
and I was back on top of the world
after about a year of ups and downs.
That adage about time and wounds is spot on.
If this was just drunk flirting with words,
ehh, okay, but playing with hair,
touching, that type of flirting, even when drunk, not okay.
And if she was sorry about it the next morning,
it would be different as well.
She knows what she's doing
and probably flirts when you're not around either.
Doesn't seem like she's super into you.
- [Original Poster] Thank you everyone for your feedback.
You told me exactly what I was thinking,
but I'd really liked to reflect things over
before making drastic decisions.
The writing is on the wall.
It hurts and it sucks.
But walking away is for the best.
- [Responder] Jesus Christ.
How many people are really so freaking clueless?
Literally daily posts on here about situations
where literally anyone with any sense
would end the relationship.
Come on, your gut is telling you
she is a disaster waiting to happen.
She's an attention seeker.
Everywhere she goes she needs to have that attention.
She craves the validation.
She has no problem behaving in this manner when with you,
imagine what she is like when not with you.
Her becoming defensive is a classic way
for someone in the wrong, and they know they're wrong,
to divert blame and attempt to gain justification.
In essence, gaslighting you.
How many more times are you willing to be humiliated
by her flirting with other men
while you are standing right there?
Yeah, the situation with M should have been your cue
to drop her and fast.
What a disrespectful, tasteless person.
Who needs that in their life?
Dude, after reading that bikini post part, massive red flag.
She isn't acting like she's in a relationship
to keep options open.
It's the kind of person who's likely to cheat in the future.
When you try to have a mature conversation about it,
she kicks you out.
Up to you, but she's bad news.